BANGUS COUNTY—Regional spelling bee organizers are being blasted for “poor judgment” and are now feeling the full wrath of a group of offended and infuriated parents. What began as a promising exhibition of spelling prowess degenerated into a lewd display of poor judgment and suggestive behaviour, according to witnesses at the first annual regional spelling bee Spell-Off.
Neatly dressed and wide-eyed children between the ages of 9 and 14 waited their turn at the single microphone erected center stage of the town’s single elementary school. Anxious parents and equally bored grandparents jammed the gymnasium. Heavily hyped in the local press and exclusively broadcast by an independent cable television crew, the spell-off was to be the official kick off of the Year of the Colon. After an opening speech by celebrated local playwright, Neil Klein, about the terrible state of spelling, the competition commenced. Such spelling bee staples as hyperventilation, funkalicious and dogmatic were dealt with early on but Darwin’s process of natural selection soon took its toll on the competitors.
It was later in the evening when the choice of words allegedly became suspect. Crapulence, tinkle, cumquat, staphylococci, spelunking, schmegma, execrable, pants and pumpernickel are a sample of the controversial words presented to the children by spelling bee officials, one of whom donned a multicoloured vest. (Note—these words are not in alphabetical order.)
“It was like some kind of (expletive) Red Foxx standup show,” protested Mr. William Mobel, of Mayer Crescent. His son, William Jr. was disqualified in the sixteenth round after misspelling prophylactic.
The parents group, Parents Against Words is demanding a full enquiry into who is ultimately responsible for the perceived debacle. The enquiry is expected to last well into 2012 with a projected cost to local taxpayers of roughly seven million dollars.
(Ed.—Holy shit!)
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