Saturday, July 10, 2010
MYSTERIOUS WEATHER PATTERN HOVERS OVER TORONTO’S DOWNTOWN CORE PUZZLING SOME BUT NOT MANY - Meteorologists admit to being stumped and indifferent!
“It’s become a bit of a tourist thing now, which is a Godsend,” says famous Toronto resident, Prince. The cloud formed shortly after June 15th and has remained hunkered down as if attached to the CN Tower and Sky Dome like a colossal advertisement. People are confused. People are frightened.
“It’s a sign of the approaching apocalypse,” is one notion shared by a squeegee kid, while other’s see the large cloud cover as a divine sign. What people do agree on is the eerie resemblance to Canadian Folkette legend, Joni Mitchell. When contacted by Bangus, representatives declined to comment outright but did state that any resemblance between this supercell cloud formation blanketing Toronto and their client is purely coincidental.
NORTH BAY HIRES 80’S METAL SINGER TO TACKLE NUISANCE BEARS
A sweaty looking spokesman for the city, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have been the one to have come up with the idea after viewing the children’s video ‘Pied Piper’ and then footage from the Moscow Music Peace Festival held August 12th 1989 where Cinderella performed a tight bluesy set sandwiched between Skid Row and Bon Jovi. “I was sitting in my mom’s basement watching some old videos and drinking quite heavily. I mean, I was really liquored-up. Then, after Pied Piper I found the Moscow Music Peace Festival tape under a stack of Whose The Boss? episodes. The mother, uh Mona, was hot. I never knew why Tony didn’t chase her instead of that prude. Mona was the wild one. Oh yeah, okay, so I remember taping the Peace Festival from MTV. Right away I noticed the awesome power Tom Keifer had over the audience and there was at least eight million people there and I figured, hey, maybe he can do something with our bear problem, you know? He had everyone eating from the palm of his hand. It was really something to see. The only other performer, I think, to have the same kind of power was Gino Vanelli or maybe Cory Hart. But this Keifer guy? Unbelievable.”
Keifer originally asked for 2.6 hundred dollars for a three month contract, plus travel and living expenses.
After eleventh-hour negotiations, his agent, Smelly Theo accepted on Mr. Keifer’s behalf but for the reduced negotiated fee of 1.3 hundred dollars plus a voucher for a spaghetti dinner at a local place of worship upon completion of contact.
During a phone call, Bangus asked Smelly Theo, whether Mr Keifer has had any experience with black
bears. He responded by humming a few bars of ‘Gypsy Road’. After further prodding, Mr. Theo did admit that his client has “little to no” experience dealing with bears and can barely bathe himself, but he is confident that this scheme is so crazy it “just might work.” Looking for confirmation, Bangus contacted fellow councilman Donald Kruthers, who wished to remain anonymous to confirm the rock & roll black bear deal.
“Yeah. It was either this Keifer fella or Leonard Cohen,” stated Kruthers. “It is my understanding that Mr.
Cohen wanted three hundred cartons of cigarettes and nine quartz of red wine. So, I guess North Bay is
lucky to have gotten Mr. Keifer at such a savings which of course we can pass on the the taxpayers in some
intangible and ambiguous way that could not hold up under any scrutiny."
Asked if he is familiar with the vocal stylings of Mr. Keifer, Kruthers stated: “I’m more of an BTO guy. TCB? C’mon, man. Now, that’s real rock! And don’t get me going on Davey Jones.”
Smelly Theo assured North Bay that they have made a sound decision in the hiring of his client. He admits to not knowing where North Bay is but states that he knew a treeplanter from Kelowna, BC and figured that it was probably not far from there. Keifer will be packaged up in the large cardboard box that he has been living in since 1997 and will be layered in bubble wrap that Smelly Theo collected from the alley in
Hollywood. He will be sent via Express Post.
“I’ll have him there by nine a.m. Wednesday, August 21st Guaranteed! Then he’ll sing his ass off and take care of them bears for good.”
THE PAINFUL TRUTH ABOUT CLINICAL BOVINE DEPRESSION
BY TONY WELSH - BANGUS ONLINE
Colloquially termed by psycho-social veterinarians as ‘SAD’ cow disease, Clinical Bovine Depression is slowly emerging from the dark shadows of the back pastures and rock piles of farms across Canada and the US. Recent studies indicate that Clinical Bovine Depression (CBD) accounts for the skyrocketing number of cows leaving the security of the farm for a life on the cold and unforgiving streets of major urban centers. On a freezing night in Edmonton, Sheila St. Claire bundles up and pulls her toque down tight. From a makeshift table erected in front of a long-since-closed adult cinema, St. Claire, a certified bovine outreach worker dishes out generous portions of steaming, pre-chewed cud-gruel to a distressed looking heifer. Sheila waves at a cow she hasn’t seen in days. “They’re leaving behind a life of despair, confusion and sadness. They’re running from themselves. But they carry their burdens with them and now what’s happening is that the major downtown centers are being overrun with cows afflicted with CBD. This is why it’s so hard to for anyone to get into the shelters on any given night—they’re full of SAD cows. Plus you can’t get many of them in a single shelter. Another complicating factor is that aside from Mary and Joseph of Nazareth, there aren’t many people who want to share their space with any kind of animal, let alone maladjusted, clinically depressed cattle. They’re just too unpredictable and make for poor conversationalists.”
The World Out There from the Tangled Mind of Bangus' Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent
WHERE: GRANDE RONDE OREGONGrande Ronde Oregon
WHAT: DEATH AND $2.99 PRIME RIB
A 67 year old man died of a heart attack while playing slots at the Spirit Mountain casino. While his body lay right there on the floor of the casino the other customers continued to play the slot machines. 65 year old gambler Tina May said: “I couldn’t come to help him as I was feeling lucky that night.” Spirit Mountain Casino is open 24/7 and offers free sandwiches as well as coffee to visitors. Come join the fun at Oregon’s best Casino!
WHERE: GLENDALE CALIFORNIA
WHAT: MICHAEL JACKSON COMEBACK
Undertakers at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California say they believe Michael Jackson will be making a comeback this year. Judging by the late superstars’ burial about one year ago, experts believe the singer has about three feet to go.
WHERE: BEIJING, CHINA
WHAT: BULL IN CHINA SHOP SPARKS UPROAR
A bull in Fong’s china shop located in Beijing, China sparked an uproar when he suggested that Mao Zedong was a stupid arse. Customers at the shop were shocked and a spirited argument ensued resulting in a tranquilizer dart from police to bring the argumentative bull down. This is the second time Fong’s shop has seen an altercation. Yesterday over 50,000 in damages were racked up by a Greek wedding party.
WHERE: AFGHANISTAN
WHAT: TO GET NEW SEWER SYSTEM
War-torn Afghanistan is expected to get a new sewer system sometime in the next 12 months. The existing system, stretching from downtown Kabul to downtown Kabul is in bad need of repair and local residents had been complaining about the stench.
WHO:WAYNE ROONEY
WHAT: VOTED UGLIEST FOOTBALLER
England soccer star Wayne Rooney was voted the ugliest soccer player of the South Africa world cup. The trophy will go alongside his 2006 trophy for worst drunk and his 2007 award for smelliest armpits. Rooney has yet to clinch the award for wife-beating but says he will get in better shape for the 2010-2011 season.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
OPEN YOUR MOUTH! WIDER! STOP RESISTING!
“Do you have crack cocaine in your mouth, sir?”
“Uh, no.”
“Please open your mouth.”
“Okay.”
“Wider.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I can't really open up any wider.”
“Stick your tongue out.”
“Ahhh.”
“Wider.”
“What?”
“I said stop resisting!”
“Huh?”
“Open up your mouth!”
“I am!”
“Wider!! Quit resisting.”
“I'm not.”
“I will ask you one more time: Do you have crack cocaine in your mouth?”
“No.”
“Open your mouth?”
“Okay.”
“Open wider!”
“I can't unless you want me to dislocate my jaw.”
“Stop resisting. Open your mouth.”
“Ahhhhh.”
“Okay, that's fine. Have a nice day sir and please replace that license plate bulb as soon as you can.”
“TOILETS HAVE BROUGHT US NOTHING BUT GRIEF! NORTH BAY IS SLAVE TO THE THRONE.” — RALPH PALMER
Bangus Online Magazine
NORTH BAY— Ralph Emerson Palmer is on a mission. He would like to see all indoor plumbing banned through a municipal bylaw proposal that he presented to council last Wednesday. Scrawled out on a roll of two-ply toilet paper, Mr. Palmer claimed that the “sacred scroll” was a collection of six names that would like to see indoor plumbing banned. Palmer told council that he has ‘irrefutable’ proof that the rampant use of “fancy toilets” has contributed directly to the perceived regression of society into a pack of ‘uncivilized philistines.’ He has demanded that council take quick and deliberate steps.
After being escorted out of the building by security, Mr. Palmer spoke briefly with Bangus, reading from his parchment. “Since the advent of the indoor toilet we’ve become a crazed race of capitalistic profiteers and war mongers. The outhouse was once a place of meeting and community. We met and exchanged philosophies and ideas. We shared copies of The Farmers Almanac and Readers Digest. Now? Indoor toilets seem to be everywhere and people don’t seem to be communicating as much.”
During a subsequent interview, Mr. Palmer spat out a two hour rant of incoherent philosophizing at his tiny apartment on First Avenue. The residence was cramped but well kept. A bird chirped from a small brass cage hanging by the single window. Over coffee, Palmer pined over the simpler times when he was a boy living out in Papineau Township helping run the family farm and reading Sartre in the outhouse.“Today it’s all this Internet and cashless society bunk and people being beat up with sticks. We must scourge North Bay of the root of all this evil—the indoor toilet.”
As an alternative he suggested a communal pit where shuttles would be provided free of charge by the city. We broke bread together. I had the meat loaf and some strong coffee then it happened, as it usually does with me and meat loaf. He smiled as I rubbed my stomach. He pointed towards the bathroom down the hall. The toilet’s lid was firmly wrapped shut with thick layers of heavy gauge duct tape. I could hear him laughing from the kitchen.
was once a place of meeting and community.”
Behind a tin machine a crippled looking wooden structure canted precariously like the Tower of Pisa but smaller and with only a well-behaved cluster of tourists from Billings. Carved into the door was a tiny crescent moon. Inside on a string, a jaundiced, heavily thumbed copy of the Farmers Almanac from 1947 hung from the wall. Nebraska had a wet summer. Later, back in the kitchen, Mr. Palmer was optimistic about what has become somewhat as a divine mission. “This is now my divine mission. I have faith in North Bay and council and I think when they realize the dangers in the insidious proliferation of indoor plumbing in our city, they will be forced to act.”
Hey Renaldo, who tooted? Pass me my saxamaphone! I want to play a song for Canada
Okay. It's Canada's birthday. Happy birthday, big guy! The birth of a Nation and so forth. Politicians love to toast this birthday. It makes for predictable sound bytes on the news and easy photo-ops. Easily produced pieces of Canadiana pap. Hot dogs, poutine and free pony rides, and if you are fortunate enough to be employed, Canada's birthday means a day off with pay for many workers. Now, as a country with a history that only dates back less than 200 years, you could say that we are celebrating the birth of a country that is still in its infancy. If Canada were a homo-erectus, the country would still be wearing diapers and drooling and making very little sense, in linguistic terms anyway. Babbling and such. Not very tolerant of others and somewhat unreasonable. But lets not forget that the Natives were here long before Canada would call itself a proper country. Chippewa. Algonquin. The Hurons. The Plains Indians (and more, I just forget the rest). As far as Europeans however, it was the lovable Vikings who came here first. The French and the Brits did manage to make their way across the Atlantic. It was a Wednesday, shortly after lunch. If the Natives had known they were coming, I'm sure they would have baked a cake. As it turns out, everyone who did come brought guns, axes and the odd virus, ready to take some serious surveying measurements. The rest, as they say is Canadian history. Happy birthday Canada. I was going to bake you a cake but got caught up with FIFA World Cup.
Okay, let's begin, shall we. Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky. Back in high school during the early eighties, while a gangly teen with poker straight hair and truly volcanic zits I reluctantly learned how to play the saxophone, or as Homer Simpson refers to it - the "saxamaphone". I would have rather learned how to blow that sweet, sweet tuba just because it looks like it could be used to crush someone, but like every high school music class, the tuba was reserved for the smallest kid for whatever reason. I chose the saxamaphone because I had to choose something. The electric guitar was taken, so was the Fender Precision bass, and the holy grail of high school instruments, the drums. Even the triangle was taken. Literally. Someone took it, bent the hell out of it before throwing it off the bridge into the Mattawa River. This was the year before I would walk the hallowed halls of F.J. McElligott in beautiful downtown Mattawa - or 'the places where the rivers meet'. Canada was a few years younger then.
I hated that damned sax. I hated blowing into it. I hated the colour. I hated the taste of a soggy reed, and the hideous, murderous squawks I spat out of it. I hated the contorted faces and painful grimaces I was forced to make. It's hard to look cool when your face is the hue of a baboon's mocking shiny red ass. I hated the way I had to sit to accommodate the thing - up straight in a red plastic chair with the thing dangling between my legs. You can't slouch playing the saxamaphone. It was just a dismal relationship. Now, this was of course, before I discovered beatnik fifties jazz, and how extraordinary the sax can be in the mouth of a seasoned heroin addict. But at the tender age of fourteen? No. I could not relate to the thing. Jimi Hendrix didn't play sax which worked out well for Jimi as it would have been hard to set a sax on fire like he did at Monterey. The sax was brass of course, and man, brass for me, was not cool in the eighties. David Bowie - the Alladin Sane himself, played sax but he never looked cool tooting it in his high-waisted pastel suits. The Lizard King, Jim Morrison was about sex, not sax. Jimmy Page never played sax, nor did Johnny Cash. Bob Dylan blew harp, singing long convoluted songs about Isis and ghosts of electricity howling through the bones of some woman's face. I could go on and on. But that's enough about the saxamaphone, so let's move on to horns in general as the horn is a hot topic these days.Up until last week, I always thought the word 'vuvuzela' was some type of venereal disease (i.e, "Stay away from Mississippi Gary, he's back from Malaysia with a bad case of the hoo-doo voo-doo vuvuzela"). But no. It's not a disease, although many do see the vuvuzela as a scourge. The vuvuzela has been causing a bit of a controversy at this year's FIFA World Cup. This is the only sport I commit any time to due to the violent undercurrents of the sport. Where else can a coach simply 'disappear' after a losing match, or a blown call by a referee resulting in his exile? Now that's a true sport. The first televised game I watched was between Germany and I don't remember. Football riots are outstanding. Televised hooliganism has drawn a lot of attention to the simple act of kicking a ball around a massive field.
So, after shoving the two schnauzers off the couch, propping up my feet, and getting comfortably slouched deep into my ass-groove, I settled into what I had hoped to be a nice, relaxing, low-scoring match. But listening in all I could hear was this atonal buzz. What the hell? I checked the audio settings on the stereo but couldn't isolate the buzz. I tried another CBC affiliate. Still there. Shit. ESPN. Still there. It sounded like a billion unseen bees just waiting off-camera to swarm in on the massive crowd of spectators. The bees never did come. Too bad. That would have made for great television as well.
THE WORLD OUT THERE - From the Foreign Affairs Mobile Outhouse
WHERE: NORTH AMERICA
WHAT: LARGE PROTEST IN TORONTO
World leaders met in Toronto for the G20 conference amid large protests and a huge police presence. Over 900 people were arrested by police after smashing windows and setting fire to police cars. A huge contingent of anarchist swarmed around the city wreaking havoc. More peaceful protesters displayed their outrage by carrying signs and chanting slogans. Most of the complaints related to Angel Merkel’s appearance in the G20 bikini contest.
WHERE: AFRICA
WHAT: WORLD CUP: "IT’S OFFICIAL TOP TEAMS SUCK!"
FIFA, the international soccer authority released a statement today on the quality of the top teams in the match. The statement reads: “The following teams suck: England, Brazil, Argentina and France.” Canada doesn’t suck as it failed to make the tournament.
WHERE: U.K.
WHAT: PUPPY DIES IN TRAGIC MISUNDERSTANDING.
A puppy was killed in the UK after a tragic misunderstanding. A young boy had asked his father what happens when his puppy dies. His father is reported to have replied that the puppy would be buried in a box in the garden and the boy and his friends could then all come by and have some ice cream and sing songs to remember the dog. The police said the puppy died approximately 30 minutes later.
WHERE: JAPAN
WHAT: MAN CONTRACTS HERPES FROM ARTIFICIAL LOVE DOLL
A Japanese man contracted herpes from Japan Love Doll Inc. The company apologized and said the doll had been made too realistic and future models would be adjusted.
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