Just a quick note before y’all get into your day. Yesterday I was attacked by a guy with huge board. No, please – it’s okay, settle down everyone, I’m fine – nothing a little plaster won’t cure over a long period of time. Anyway, I was behind the supermarket looking for, uh, well, that part’s not important right now. I didn’t see him coming up behind me. I turned, and there he was. I don’t know who he was. He kind of looked like Tony Danza, if that makes any sense at all. And who in their right mind would ever guess that a guy who looks like Tony Danza was capable of such ferocity? Without saying a word, he began whacking at me about the head, neck and torso. Just by the way he was striking me, the passion he put into all his swings, I knew something had to be on his mind. I could just tell he blamed me for a host of things – his ruined marriage, the loss of his job, the shitty state of the Canadian economy, his wonky credit rating, his leaky canoe, a recent tax audit, and his esophageal reflux. And who really could blame him? Poor bastard. He was as much a victim as I was. Still, I gotta say, that’s no reason to rough me up. There must be a better way than random violence. That’s in the Bible. So, after he was done playing whack-a-pecore with me, he looked mortified. He apologized and wrote me a cheque for three hundred bucks if I didn’t go to the cops. I am not a fink. When I can move I will cash his cheque. You can’t make this shit up.
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