Ooops. Sorry about that. He's really okay. We blew it again

Sir Paul McCartney has not died as previosuly reported (twice). Again, we apologize for the error and any undue stress to fans of The Walrus.

This time it's no bull - Sir Paul McCartney has died - the world mourns the loss of a Beatle

The leader is good, the leader is great, we surrender our will as of this date...

Dahn-Yoga-Centers-Body-Brain-and-Wallet

Jesse James mad at Nazis and women with big hooters!

Jesse James is mad at Nazis. He used to me okay with them. Now he's mad. "Them damn Nazis killed my marriage", he told a close friend. "And all the chicks that I was having sex with. I blame Nazis and women with crazy boobs for wrecking my perfect union to America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, star of such motions pictures as the one where she falls while wearing high heels. Yeah, that one was okay. But the best one was the one where she drives the bus with the Matrix guy."

Bangus Book of the Day

The Executioner's Song is a 1980 Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Norman Mailer that depicts the events surrounding the execution of Gary Gilmore by the state of Utah for murder. The title of the book may be a play on "The Lord  High Executioner's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado.

Based almost entirely on interviews with the family and friends of both Gilmore and his victims, the book is exhaustive in its approach. Divided into two sections, the book focuses on the events leading up to the murders and  the trial and execution of Gilmore, including full documentation of Gilmore's court appearances and his decision to demand his execution rather than to continue the appeals process.

The first section of the book deals with Gilmore's early life and his numerous detentions in juvenile crime  facilities and, later, prison. It details his release some months prior to his first murder and the relationships he establishes during that time. The second section focuses more extensively on Gilmore's trial, including his refusal to appeal his death sentence, his dealings with Lawrence Schiller and his attorney's refusal to accept his refusal and their continued fight on his behalf. Gilmore was executed by firing squad on January 17, 1977, after appeals filed by his lawyers (in defiance of Gilmore's wishes) were rejected. The execution had been stayed on three previous occasions.

Notable not only for its portrayal of Gilmore and the anguish surrounding the murders he committed, the book also took a central position in the national debate over the revival of capital punishment by the Supreme Court as Gilmore was the first person in the United States executed since the re-instatement of the death penalty in 1976. (Source: Wayne 'Smokey' Wikipedia)

Bangus Bass Break of the day!

Knife Fight with Adam Duritz

“I am tall and I am thin, of an enviable height, and I've been known to be quite handsome, in a certain angle and in certain light” Nick Cave pulling beer at O’Malley’s Bar


Time has a way of softening things. Of tricking you. Lulling you into complacency. Time is like a slow rising tide. Not a tsunami. It takes the edge off things. In the Eighties I would have musicians and A-List celebrities over for slumber parties and corn roasts. They were always such horrid affairs. Horrible and brilliant at the same time. The last slumber party I hosted, Mick Mars drank too much wine and just complained ad nauseaum about the trappings of fame and how he can’t meet a girl that loves him for just being ‘him’, and not the notorious bad boy Motley Crue guitar-slinger. It was an eclectic gathering. Keith Richards was there cursing at Chuck Berry who rolled up in his own Cadillac and brought his own corn in the trunk. Chuck Berry, if anything, is a very giving cat, but man, he will pistol-whip you in a second if you cross him. Lita Ford was there with her big hair. George Carlin came with his overnight bag. Van Morrison ate so much corn he fell asleep in the basement wearing a fedora. There was only one rule - take off your shoes if you go in the living room. Sounds reasonable, right? But no one did. They ruined the carpet. That was the last straw. I stopped having celebrities over to the house ever since.
 
Since humour is tragedy plus time, I figured: what the hell. Maybe was time to have another celebrity sleep over. I have a close musician friend who is a bit of a rock star. His name is Ben Folds and he plays an ass-kicking piano. Yeah, piano players can be rock stars. I have another close personal friend who is a bit of a rock star. His name is Adam Duritz. He plays an ass-kicking piano and has dreadlock extensions. Then there’s Nick Cave. He’s extremely suave and cool with undeniable street credentials. Kind of dark and cynical. He’s also a writer, an actor, and a wonderful chain smoker. We’re not friends though. I wish we were. To be honest, I don’t know Nick Cave at all, but I’m sure we could get along okay under the right circumstances, like driving balls-out through the great Australian outback in some type of rusted out beater. Nick Cave always makes me smile.
 

Last weekend when regular folks were doing whatever regular folks do on a weekend, Ben Folds and Adam Duritz came to sleep over here at Chez Lily, deep in the heart of fabulous downtown Mattawa. Having them over for the night was a big deal for me, not because they’re rock stars, but more because it was the first sleep over since the carpet fiasco of the Eighties. But this time it was going to be different. We now have hardwood flooring in the living room.

My wife was working nights at the hospital and my kids were out scheming - or whatever it is kids do when they’re teenagers, so for the night the house belonged to me, Ben Folds and Adam Duritz. Before my wife left, she warned us: “Now, not too late you boys, and remember, if you have any pop make sure to use the coasters, and Kevin, not too much cheese if you make nachos. You know how cheese binds you up.” With that, she kissed me and waved at Adam and Ben who were busy looking themselves up on You Tube.

The evening started off slow. Around seven Adam said he wanted to take a shower, which seemed a little odd, a little out-of-the-blue, but who the hell am I to talk anyone from having a shower? He always seems to have excess energy. While he was scrubbing, I coaxed Ben into teaching me the chord progression to Jesusland on my Hammond Organ. Then we all watched Jeopardy. Collectively, we scored a decent score of 36 (one point for each correct answer, 2 points if it’s a Double Jeopardy) but Ben never answered anything in the form of a question, so I wasn’t sure whether to dock points from our total. Ben told me Trebek is not the boss of him. After Jeopardy Adam wanted to watch the DVD I made from a whack of Counting Crows concerts. Ben wanted to watch his own DVD filmed in Perth with the West Australian Symphony Orchestra. They were both getting a little pissed off. To help mediate, I suggested we watch my DVD of Nick Cave’s God is in the House, which they were cool with. Then around eleven, we went out for a few drinks. No driving. Everything in Mattawa is within walking distance. On the saunter back home Adam took a leak against a big rock by the beach. He burped a terrific burp and it echoed off the Laurentians. Then, as a joke, Ben took Adam’s iPhone and whipped it into the Mattawa River. Then a pack of feral street kids began taunting us, more so Adam because of his funny hair. Ben told the kids to not rag on him because he was in fact a celebrity. Ditto with Adam, but these kids were ruthless. One kid took a run at Adam with his bike. Then it was like something out of West Side Story. It was full on gang fight. I remember something my father said at my Christening - he said “never bring a knife to a gunfight.”
 
Everyone had knives. Adam. Ben. The gang of young hooligans. Bryan Adams may have been there for a few minutes. It was pandemonium. Chaos - beautiful chaos. I have never seen so many knives. No one thought to bring a gun. So I called my dad.

After we got home we watched a few episodes of The Larry Sanders Show then had a quick pillow fight. Adam started bouncing on the sofa. We did some crafts and used magnets to stick them to the fridge, baked pretzels with a recipe Ben found online, and then played some pool. Adam went through my CD collection and was pumped to see a live Frank Sinatra at the Dunes. I started yawning. We put on Das Boot but I knew I would fall fast asleep well before the end. My eyes kept shutting. I’m not as young as I was in the Eighties. Is anyone? The last thing I remember seeing is Adam putting his can of Pepsi on the coffee table without using a coaster. Shit. We’re gonna be in big trouble.

Ooops. Sorry about that. He's really okay.

It seems that Bangus Online fact-checker Mississippi Gary really jumped the gun on this one. Sir Paul McCartney is not dead. No. He's alive. We think. Anyway, I hope we can all stop crying and let the healing begin. Again, Mississippi Gary has been disciplined. He is standing out front of Bangus HQ flagellating himself, much to the amusement of the morning Post Office crowd.

Sir Paul McCartney - dead at 66

The world mourns.

A public plea to our friend Lindsay

Hi Lindsay. Please call Bangus HQ asap. This morning there were these people looking for you for something. They had papers with big words on them. We showed the papers to our legal advisor, Mississippi Gary, who says that although he's not sure, he thinks you may be in some sort of trouble. If you need a place to chill out and just be 'you' our door is always open (even when there is no one around, which is why people are always ripping off our shit.) Please bring vodka, cigarettes and a hip DJ.

Bangus Bad Ass Bass Break of the Day

Smokingand yoga - the perfect marriage

Like yogo? Yeah? Like smoking? Yeah? So you like both? Yeah? People think you're a freak? No problem. We alk now that yoga, by itself, can be a bit of a drag. Lotus this and lotus that, with a whole lot of stretching and tantric breathing. For many, the time it takes to get that yogo high is just too great. It cuts away from time better spent smoking. Right? Wrong! Now you can smoke, stretch, breath, and smoke a whole lot more  in the comfort of your own home. Sounds too good to be true? No way! Holy shit people can be cynical. Written, produced and directed by Bangus health expert Mississippi Gary, SMOKE'N'YOGA (now on blueray and in fabulous 3D) makes that perfect gift for anyone at any age. Police founder, Sting, said once that if you love someone you should set them free. Sting, who claims that yoga allows him to fornicate for up to 22 hours at a time refuses to endorse SMOKE'N'YOGA, which is all the endorsement we need.  Larry King however says that this DVD changed his life.

Bangus Confessions of the day

You nasty sinners. Here are the top three sins of the day. Thank you all.

1. I walk around with a neck brace for no reason. Not sure if this is a sin. I also stole a fax machine from work. I'm pretty sure this is a sin.

2. Hello. I Punched a goat in the milk bag.

3. I work at a place that sells really expensive sandwiches. For the past month I have been short changing everyone on the pastrami. Then I bring it home and eat it.

Bangus County crowns Miss Bangus 2010 - No controversy here...

Bangus County (BON) --Miss Bangus County Helena Goddard is an Unitarian with no heritage whatsoever, but her family is "not defined by religion," Goddard said.

"I'm an Canadian girl," Goddard said. "I can spend days drinking around a campfire, and just to be clear, my family comes from many different backgrounds and religions. They are all dead now as I am quite old, but I can still do it up around the pole."

The newest Miss Bangus County, crowned last weekend, was interviewed Wednesday by Bangus Online. Goddard downplayed the significance of photographs that emerged online this week showing her dancing and gleefully grinding against a stripper's pole.

"Everyone took them as if I was stripping, which to be honest with you was just a competition," she said. "It was more of an event held by 102 Bangus FM."

Bangus Book of the Day

Jim Bakker liked God and all God's relatives and all God's animals and so forth. He also liked rollercoasters, jets, bling for his wife, waterparks and for about six minutes, really liked a buxom redhead named Jessica in a Florida hotel. He liked money and fine dining. He didn't care for prison much.

I'm selling my Steve Perry pants - serious enquiries only!

Hey. I thought it would be cool to walk around Bangus County in the new pants I scored on ebay. They were a total value. Actually, I bought four pair. According to the seller, the jeans - a high-waisted denim with a 32 inch waist, once belonged to Journey frontman, Steve Perry. Well, I still have terrible dreams of Steve Perry prancing around in high, tight jeans and figured what better way to confront these demons than to buy the pants and, well, I dunno really. To be honest, I don't know what the hell I was thinking as I seldom think things out, but Elvis said one time when he was still breathing (heavily) to walk a mile in one's shoes before judging, so maybe I figured that this would be kind of like the same thing. Some type of therapy. I wore them to go buy milk. They didn't fit me as well as they fit Mr. Perry, who is taller and evidently quite slim. I couldn't button them up so I had to wear them unbottoned and fully unzipped. Some of the cool kids hanging out front of Giant Tiger whistled at me as I left. It was a mocking whistle, not the sincere kind of whistle of approval. Anyway, if anyone out there wants to wear Steve Perry's denim pants circa 1982, I'm giving the bastards away.

The Bangus Bewildering Bass Break of the Day

Adam Wheeler is full of shit. Brilliant.

Adam Wheeler told some whoppers to get into Harvard. He went koo koo bananas with the bullshit. Still, we kind of like him. If convicted of bullshitting, he can serve up to 50 plus years in prison. Now that is bullshit.

Is that a flamethrower in your pants? Jazz makes me nervous

The very existence of flamethrowers prove that sometime, somewhere, someone said, to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” - George Carlin

Yesterday I read Kurt Vonnegut recount the firebombing of the German city of Dresden in 1945. As an American POW he and his captors sought refuge against the allied bombing campaign in a slaughterhouse. As part of a POW cleanup team, he was also forced to incinerate the thousands of bodies killed during the attack. Go team!

Vonnegut is dead now. Between Dresden’s colossal destruction and his death in 2007 he wrote. He was termed a dark satirist. I like Vonnegut the same way I like George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, and Frank Zappa and Paris Hilton. Although Carlin and the like could often nail a thought in a few words, a true skill - Vonnegut enjoyed the luxury of taking his sweet time with words before delivering a quick jab to the kidney. I’ve been reading an anthology of George Carlin entitled An Orgy of George. It’s comprised of three Carlin novels - Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops. It’s rare that an author can make me laugh out loud. Carlin can, and does. I laugh out loud and frighten the dogs. Vonnegut doesn’t make me laugh out loud. He pisses me off for being able to write the things I’ve been thinking - and not only write them, but with a slight-of-hand that makes me want to quit writing and take up knife throwing or fire gargling.

Carlin I can read anywhere any time - bus, plane, train, those big red fundraising bicycles, while walking or shooting dice. Carlin’s an easy guest. Low maintenance. Vonnegut is a little more tricky and requires some planning and a certain commitment.

Is flatulence affecting your marriage? How can it not?

bettermarriageblanket.com 

You can't make this shit up.

Volcanic Ash Cloud Shuts Down High School Beat-down.

Iceland's Eyjafjallajokul volcano erupted in April, shutting down global travel for five days. It has caused sporadic disruptions since then, closing London's Heathrow and Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport — two of Europe's busiest hubs. It was a huge pain in the ass for millions of travellers, and continues to have ramifications.

Thanks to a strong westerly wind, the nasty clouds have settled over Bangus County, forcing the cancellation of the scheduled school yard fight outside the St Augustine High School’s shop room. The highly anticipated match between Kyle Donnelly and James Hands will now go down June 6 at 3 pm.

"When you get a big volcanic event it gets very, very busy and very, very stressful. These things can go on for weeks, or months — it can be a very crazy time to schedule a good beat-down" said Darryl Hall, the fight promoter who has had contact with his colleagues in London since Eyjafjallajokul's eruption.

Who the hell is Uncle Wallace?

“Uncle Wallace? That bastard. The first time I met him, he ended up stealing my wife and shooting my kid’s dog. It was a terrible day. My kid really loved that dog.” Randy ‘B.B.’ Buckey

“He’s got a pretty gruff exterior that can really gnaw away at your nerves after a while. Especially if you happen to be locked up with him. Please don’t put my name on this, okay?” John Deacon

“Good lord. Off the top of my head? Heh heh! I was just a kid and he lived next door on this farm. He and his buddy got me drunk on  cheap red wine. The cheapest. He used to buy it in ten gallon drums which would usually be good for a few days. Uncle Wallace, that’s what everyone called him, he wasn’t my real uncle. I still don’t even know the fool’s last name. Anyway, him and his crony buddy passed out in the cow pasture and in the morning, a herd of cows, trampled over both of them. Uncle Wallace slept through the whole thing while the other guy, well, uh, a cow stepped on his throat and had his larynx crushed which ended up okay because he became famous for a while for his baritone singing voice. Uncle Wallace managed his singing career for a few months before the guy wised up.” Mitchell Miner

“He got one green eye and one blue eye. He the devil. The devil on earth. He put baby in sister’s belly.” Barnaby Clozier

For no reason whatsoever - ah, absolute power corrupts absolutely!

Random Snippets of Conversations

 “He was the only guy at the party that wanted to listen to Tom Petty. It was a nightmare. He wore the Full Moon Fever shirt that he bought when he went to see him.”

 “So did you cancel your interview?”

“No. I couldn’t cancel just because of that. What would it look like?”

“So, what did you do?”

“Well, I ended up going but my nose bled through the whole thing. The lady who was doing the interview looked a little uncomfortable by the whole scene. She kept asking me if I was okay but I just said - ‘c’mon give me another question, but she was like - uh, maybe you should go to the hospital. That’s when I passed out.”

“In high school they used to call him ‘Franklin the Wallet’ and now everyone wears the wallets with the chains.”

“Have you ever noticed that Charlene always blames everything on her hair?

“Did you hear about Ray?”

“No.”

“He was at a restaurant in Barrie and a TV fell on him.”

“What?”

“No shit. He was eating wings and it was in a sports bar and one of the TVs came unscrewed or something and fell no him.”

“Hurt him?”

“Yeah, pretty bad.”

 “They teased me because I liked that Bronski Beat song. You know it’s been like twenty years and I still take a lot of heat over that. I mean, get over it. Am I right? Is it such a crime to like a song?”

“A Bronski Beat song?”

“Yeah.”

“I think it is, actually.”

Bangus Judge Mocked at Food Court

“You’re laws are useless here,” taunts a NY Fries vendor

BANGUS COUNTY - For Judge Elliot Gould, he had figured that his days of being ruthlessly mocked and publically humiliated  since the wig incident were long since behind him. But fate had something else in store for the good judge who recently attempted to bully his way through a snaking crowd of hungry and bitchy shoppers. Throngs dished out their own unique brand of food court justice, stripping Gould of his powdered wig and ceremonial robe and summarily pummeling him for six hours. According to one participant, “justice is served better with pogos.”

Our Friend Tim

Someone punched our friend Tim in the testes this morning then ran away laughing. It was an unprovoked attack. Everyone here at Bangus Online would just like to offer Tim our support during this difficult time. We advocate a whole lot of things, but a surprise whack at the testicles is just out of order. 

Bangus Book of the Day

Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground is a book by Michael Moynihan and Didrik Søderlind. The book presents itself as a non-fiction account of the early Norwegian black metal scene, with a focus on the string of church burnings and murders that occurred in the country around 1993. A film adaptation of the book is planned, to be directed by Japanese director Sion Sono. The book has been the subject of controversy over the alleged political leanings of author Michael Moynihan, though Moynihan denies these allegations.

Source: Nathanial Wikipedia

Nancy Sings. Short title. No quotes. Jandek, please call Bangus HQ

Hello. Let us go then, you and I when the evening is spread out against the sky. Hey. I just made that up. It sound’s brilliant. Okay. So, let’s take care of some business. Watch the video by Houston enigma, Jandek, entitled ‘Nancy Sings’. Enjoy. Meet me back here after you’ve finished. It will all be okay. Come one.
It will all be okay. Sssshhhh, now. Okay. Click it. Click it now, dammit! What’s one click between friends? It only has a running time of 2 minutes and 48 seconds. C’mon. You could be doing a helluvalot worse for 2:48. I don’t really ask much, do I? I mean, really, when have I ever asked for anything? Never. That’s when. Not once. I have never hit you up for canned donations. I’ve never called you late at night asking for help with a delicate legal problem that presented itself unexpectedly. Have I? Eh? Hum? No. I’ve never asked you to move a fridge or front me money just till pay day. So, just do me this one solid, and we’ll call it even (for the time being).



Jandek has nothing to do with the business at hand, but what the hell. Not everything has to be related. There are no rules for any of this. No. Some things can be totally unrelated, things can be random. I like randomness. No rhyme. No reason. A pigeon shit on my shoulder once. I didn’t take it personal at all, although I actually felt like I was somehow chosen by the bird, knowing full well that I was not a target. I just happened to be standing there ordering a poutine from Mattawa’s famed Turcotte’s Chip Stand. I like negative space. I like the sound of a single guitar that is slightly out of tune. If twenty guitarists strum in perfect unison while all in the same precise tuning, what you hear is one big guitar, which has its place. But, if nineteen guitarists all strum in perfect unison all in the same precise tuning, while the twentieth guitarist of the ensemble plays slightly out of tune, and maybe kind of jerky on the backbeat, who will have the greatest chance of being heard as an individual artist? I’ve always loved the guy with the out of tune guitar strumming away on the backbeat kind of jerky like.

Rusty, Jerome and Friendly - Where the hell are they now?

The Friendly Giant was a popular Canadian children's television program on the CBC featuring a giant named 'Friendly', who lived in a split-level rent controlled castle in Toronto's trendy Spadina District, along with his puppet animal friends 'Rusty' (a hip and sassy rooster who played a wicked harp and lived in a book bag hung by the castle window) and 'Jerome' (a giraffe of some type). There were some jazz cats that really cooked up some airtime as well. The series was cancelled after Rusty`s 1984 arrested for attacking his wife with a butter knife after a night of heavy drinking at a downtown Toronto strip joint. Today, Rusty sleeps around for loose change. After the show ended, Jerome appeared on a variety of Canadian game shows before ending up working the Muskoka petting zoo circuit. Jerome died in 1998 after falling from a ladder while putting up Christmas tree lights. No one knows what happened to the jazz cats or the Giant.

A Quick Q&A with Tom Waits

Q: Hi Tom Waits! What’s the question you get asked the most?

A: Alright, alright, actually I get asked ah… well look I think the question I get asked the most uh is…well I mean it happens a lot, enough that I would remark on it. A lot of people come up to me and they say, ‘Tom um, is it possible for a woman to get pregnant without intercourse?’ And uh, my answer’s always the same. I say, well listen we’re going to have to go all the way back to the Civil War. Uh, apparently a stray bullet actually pieced the testicle of a Union soldier and then lodged itself in the ovaries of an eighteen year old girl who was actually a hundred feet from him at the time. Uh, well the baby was fine and she was very happy, guilt free. And uh, of course the soldiers a little pissed off. Uh, when you think about it, it’s actually a form of intercourse. But uh, not for everyone. Uh those who love action maybe.”

Q: Thanks Tom. That’s outstanding!

May I have a bailout please?

Hello. Yes. Who can I speak to about a bailout? Well, the thing is I've been laid off for a bit, and you know, I have a family, mortgage and some pretty serious credit card debt. No, please, hang on, let me finish. I've been laid of for nine months for reason's beyond my control. I'm a good worker. Worked 22 years for the same company. Since the layoff I've had to go through my RRSPs hoping things would come around. Now, the internet says the recession is over. But not for me. Maybe they forgot about me? I don't know. It's not like I've been travelling the world and missed the call to come back to work. See? Now, I'd like a bailout please. Believe me, it's not easy asking for one, I'm proud, but it's not like I'd be the first one. Excuse me? What do you mean I can't get a bail out? Sure I can. Banks are getting bail outs, car companies and all these businessess are getting bailouts. Hydro debt forgiveness for Christ's sake.I'm helping Hydro get out of the whole and they've turned off my power six days ago!! Now see here, I'd like one to. Look, if Greece can get a helping hand, why can't I? My pension funds have tanked. It's really getting .... hold on, let me finish - stop interrupting me. No. Wait. I'm sorry? I called where? The Bangus County Animal Clinic? Sorry about that but since I have you on the phone, my schnauzer has the shits. He ate a tar ball. Some idiot sold me one and I thought I could resell it on Kijiji to help pay the phone bill.

Bangus Bass Break of the Day

34 YEAR-OLD REDBRIDGE MAN CHARGED WITH POORLY EXECUTED BODY SLAM ON UNSUSPECTING MOTHER

“He just snapped” claims father

REDBRIDGE, NS—34-year-old Derrik Beck of 88 Sunnydown Blvd, Redbridge was officially charged with aggravated assault and grievous intentions after allegedly picking up his elderly mother and body-slamming her down onto a chesterfield. Beck, according to police reports, had been viewing televised wrestling and became angered over what he perceived to be an injustice done to his idol, Cowbell Karl the Cannibal. Beck became irate at the poor officiating of the match between Cowbell and six midgets. Police were informed by his father, Mr. Jerry-Lee Beck that his son had been watching taped episodes for sixteen consecutive hours.

“The boy sure loves his wrestling. But he’ always been somewhat of an excitable boy. He got up yelling at the TV then went to the fridge to get some Jolt” says Mr. Beck, a disabled kite flyer originally from Rimouski. Beck said his son, Derrik, had consumed 24 cans of the heavily caffeinated soda during the marathon viewing and was now out of his favourite weekend beverage.

“I think that fueled the fire. When he found out that there was no more pop he just snapped. He walked back into the living room where his mother was vacuuming all the chips from the couch and without saying anything or giving the poor old girl any kind of warning, he just picked her up and did one of those damned wrestling moves.”

Mr. Beck claims his son then tore off his shirt and stared chasing the dog around the apartment. “I think he wanted to do one of them fancy wrestling moves on Checkers but the dog was too fast for him. So, while he was doing this I locked myself in the bathroom and called 666. Thank the Lord that he was too busy trying to wrestle the dog or who knows what he would have done to me. I’m not a young buck anymore so the boy probably could have done a lot of damage.”

Mrs. Agnieszka Beck, still convalescing from a serious back sprain explained further just what had happened on that terrible Sunday, which she now refers to as Black Sunday.

“It was all so terrible. I was cooking turkey gravy when Derrik became enraged. I remember that much. Then I was knocked out and Derrik was chasing the dog. That’s when I woke up again and just knew that the gravy was going to bubble over and supper would be ruined. Oh it was terrible. The police broke down the door and came in and shot my poor baby boy in the belly with one of those stun guns and he went down hard. I think it was just a matter of too much pop, too much wrestling, not enough good sleep and not having a steady girlfriend. I don’t think he meant to body slam me. He’s a good boy. He never hurt nobody, except me. And his gym teacher from middle school, but that was a long time ago.”

Beck is out on bail and has returned home to await a court date scheduled for three years from now. He has signed a peace bond which prohibits him from body slamming any immediate family members.

Bangus 666 - Fire, Ambulance, Police or Dial-a-Bottle

“666. What is the nature of your emergency?”

“Thai!”

“I’m sorry?”

“Thai!”

“Tie?”

“Yes! Thai. Thai.”

“Sir, what’s wrong? Is there something wrong with your tie?”

“Yes! Thai.”

“Sir, are you choking? Are you having trouble breathing? Is your airway constricted in any way?”

“Thai! Thai.”

“Sir, I can’t help you if you don’t help me help you so please help me to help you by helping me out a little. Sir?”

“Yes! Thai.”

“Tie? What about your goddamn tie?”

“Thai.”

“Sir, you’re really pissing me off.”

“Yes. Thai.”

(To other operator) “This guy’s just saying “tie” over and over. I think it might be a joke.”

“Thai.”

“Yes. I know. Tie, tie, tie.”

“Yes. Thai.”

Click....

“Thai!”

Bangus Book of the Day

Infinite Jest is a 1996 novel written by David Foster Wallace. The lengthy and complex work takes place in a semi-parodic future version of North America. The novel touches on the topics of tennis, substance addiction and recovery programs, depression, child abuse, family relationships, advertising and popular entertainment, film theory, and Quebec separatism.



In 2005, Time magazine included the novel in its list of the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present. (blurb c/o Juanita Wiki)


 

Mississippi Gary has tar balls for everyone

Bangus fact-checker has just returned from his morning jaunt for smokes, coffee and Nevada tickets for the staff here at Bangus HQ and as a special Tuesday surprise he also brought everyone a whack of tar balls that washed up on the beach. He insists that they're from the Gulf of Mexico and plans on going back to get more to sell on Kijiji. The tar balls are quite huge. It will be a fun day at Bangus HQ. Thank you for the tar balls Mississippi Gary. Did you ever know that you're our hero. You're everything we would like to be. Sometimes we just don't say it enough.

Tell us a secret and win a Ford Explorer

Hey you. Got a secret? Tell us. We won't tell anyone. Best secret will win a Ford Explorer (prize subject to change).  Runner up will win a Ford Focus (prize subject to change). Third place will receive a job with Ford (prize subject to change). Contest sponsored by KIA Motors and Johnny's Rubber Store. One secret per entry. Each entry to be accompanied by a cheque or money order of $40 for administration costs. Payable to Bangus International Box #6668 Bangus County, ON. K9G 5F8

THIS MAN IS NOT AN EMPLOYEE OF BANGUS

Please note the following: Bangus Online has received numerous complaints about a well dressed man soliciting funds for the Red Shirts. Although everyone here at Bangus believes in democracy and the right to live a life free of tyranny, thuggery, repression, shenanigans and general tomfoolery, we do not advocate people in white suits scamming in the name of Bangus. The man pictured does not represent Bangus Online or any of our subsidiary philanthropic initiatives. Thank you.

A Public Plea to our friend Rip Torn

Rip, if you can read this please call Bangus. Call collect if you must. We love you. When you left the other night you were in one of your moods and there was no talking to you. You left your wallet and keys and all your medications. We all said some terrible things that we wish we could take back. We just want you back safe on the couch.

Love, all your friends at Bangus Online

The Art of the Über-Politicker

Q: Thank you for taking some time to speak to us here at Bangus, uh, I mean Maclean’s.

A: Thank you so much for inviting me. This is really a beautiful town. Such magnificent mountains and hard working people. It’s really nice to be here at the Maclean’s offices. I must admit, however, that I thought Maclean’s was based out of Toronto. What’s the name of this town again? What is that smell exactly? Am I still in my riding?

Q: No. You’re far from home, friend. So, enough crap. This is not Maclean’s and no one here gives a shit about responsible journalism. We take sides here at Bangus so let’s cut to the chase. Under your party’s leadership, postsecondary tuition has more than doubled, taxes have skyrocketed, regional unemployment rates have risen to levels not seen since the 1930’s, funding for the arts has been scrapped and there has been a cloud of controversy over your travel habits which some have called ‘exorbitant and offensive’. Everything’s becoming privatized. Your popularity has bottomed out and has you lower than CBC primetime ratings. What’s your general sense of how the country is doing? Please stop smiling like that; it’s really kind of unnerving.

A: Well, I think when you take the time and look back, our track recorder speaks for itself. You must take a broad view of the current political landscape and keep things in proper perspective. This way it becomes apparent that we as a nation — a nation firmly rooted in the, uh, soil and founded on the backs of hardworking regular folks, have been faced with unprecedented challenges and further you’ll see that in these times of armchair political punditry and the partisan rhetoric it’s time to look to the future and see what happens when we all work together and failures of past appointments are failures of the system and I am about progression not regression and that since coming to power, we as a country have made significant headway while paying special attention to those issues that we take very seriously and that affects us as hard working people with an emphasis on family values and that if you’re not part of the solution you are part of the problem with fiscal complacency taking a backseat to the poor work ethics and remember, our achievements are not just achievements for us as glory hounds but achievements for hardworking people and I never impregnated that woman in Lethbridge and I think a paternity suit will show that she was pregnant before I met her and money ear-marked for those high risk offenders and especially those who think the legalization of so-called soft drugs are those who would have you believe that whatever happens between consenting adults is perhaps best left to the wise man who said that there’s no room for the government in the bedrooms of Canadians.

Q: Wow! What a spectacular load of bullshit, sir.

A: I am entitled to my entitlements, and I’m for progress.

Q: Outstanding!