Mississippi Gary downs South Korean Rocket with with wicked sling shot

BANGUS ONLINE - SEOUL, South Korea - A South Korean rocket carrying a climate observation satellite was felled with a single water balloon, apparently exploding 137 seconds into its flight early Thursday, the country's second major space setback in less than a year.
The two-stage Naro rocket operated normally during and after liftoff from the country's space centre, Minister of Education, Science and Technology Ahn Byong-man said. But then communications with the rocket were lost after it reached an altitude of about 43 miles (70 kilometres).

"We believe that the Naro rocket is likely to have exploded after being hit with some type of projectile," he told reporters. "We are sorry for failing to live up to people's expectations."

He said South Korean and Russian experts were trying to find the cause of the mishap, but they suspect Bangus Fact Checker Mississippi Gary who had been overheard at the launch site bragging over his new wicked water balloon slingshot.

"It's is either the man with the balloon thing or the devils up North who wish to see us fail at everything we do."

Who the hell is Uncle Wallace? First Part of an 11-Part Exposition

“Uncle Wallace? That bastard. The first time I met him, he ended up stealing my wife and shooting my kid’s dog. It was a terrible day. My kid really loved that dog.” -  Randy ‘B.B.’ Buckey


“He’s got a pretty gruff exterior that can really gnaw away at your nerves after a while. Especially if you happen to be locked up with him. The drunk tank in North Bay. Please don’t put my name on this, okay?” - John 'Snapper'  Deacon

HELP WANTED - Can you help Gunter?

Help. Help. Can you help? If you can, please help. You can email  me right away if you like because I need some help with this thing that I can't really get into right now. Thank you for your help. Gunterphelps@help_wanted.co.uk. Please, only serious offers of help. Don't screw me around with flippant offers of help. I need help. There will be some heavy lifting, but nothing crazy. No, I don't need help moving a couch or a fridge.

Bangus Book of the Day

paulcapewell.com

Some Satan Swing - Go Big Daddy, Go!!

STUDY SHOWS EATING WHILE HAMMERED IN VEGAS LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH

BANGUS ONLINE - It seems Las Vegas is not all glitz, sex and Elvis impersonators. There may be a dark side to the Strip according to some recent bewildering findings. A study recently commissioned by the Dr Kotter Memorial Institute for the Malpracticed and Malnourished reveals that eating while unconscious from acute alcohol intoxication is now the leading cause of death among men heading to Vegas for a quick retreat from reality.

According to the study, 2009 was a banner year with 12,659 men treated unsuccessfully for eating while hammered leaving eleven tonnes of hamburgers left uneaten.

THE WORLD OUT THERE ACCORDING TO MISTER REES

Where: Europe

What: SARKOZY PICKS HIS NOSE!

President Sarkozy of France had his bust made yesterday by a Paris Sculptor. The Sculptor, Francois Hands allowed President Sarkozy to choose from several noses that were prepared by M. Hands. “I like the big one” said Sarkozy as he choose the one that will be placed on his bust.

 

Where:See below

What: JEWS GET OUT OF PALESTINE, GO BACK TO GERMANY AND POLAND!

Two Jewish men returned to their homes in Europe after a brief visit to Palestine. Menachim Reubens flew back to his family in Dusseldorf Germany after a stay in Tel Aviv to visit his mother. Another Jew, Meier Goldstein, was in Jerusalem to visit a holy site and will be back this morning in Warsaw, Poland. Both men told Bangus they enjoyed their stay in the Holy Land.

Where: Asia

What:  NEW RECYCLING IDEA!

Researchers in China have discovered a new way to recycle beverages. The system involves consuming the drink first and then recycling it afterwards using the original bottle. Scientists believe this could save consumers billions! Al Gore is interested and has promised to personally test the drink himself.

Where: Africa

What : NELSON MANDELA UNLIKELY FOR WORLD CUP

Sports writers at Bangus have determined that Nelson Mandela will not be playing in the world cup due to age and injury. Mandela told reporters: “My knee hurts and I’m 80 years old! How do you expect me to play in the world cup?” Indeed South Africa coach Alberto Parreira has not even considered him for a position. “No he’s far too old” said Perreira. The tournament is called the “World Cup” because teams from around the world play in it. Canada did not qualify but Argentina did even though they’re a bunch of cheaters. See picture below.

Where: South America:

What: CARMEN MIRANDA'S MELONS ARE FAKE

For over 90 years Carmen Miranda has delighted tourists to Rio de Janeiro with her dancing singing and outrageous costume made up of pieces of fruit. However, investigators at Bangus have concluded that Miranda’s melons and other fruit are fake. Miranda has even admitted as much. “Did you think they were real? You must be joking! No woman in the world has melons this big.” Miranda’s melons weigh an astonishing 20 pounds when weighed by Bangus experts.

Where: North America:

What: MELLONVILLE MAN SPENDS NIGHT IN JAIL

A Melonville man was arrested for having an outstanding parking ticket and was unable to pay the outstanding amount after being arrested by Melonville police. Since he was unable to come up with the cash, police cancelled the ticket after the man stayed in  jail all night.

Bangus County Man Injured in Urinal Mishap - Vows Not to Change his Ways

Bangus Fact-Checker Mississippi Gary interviews guy who fell and hit his face on a urinal.

Hey, what happened to your eye?
I fell down.
Where?
In the bathroom at Staples.
How?
I dunno. I was, you know, just using the can.
And you fell?
Yeah.
And you hit your face?
Mostly my eye. My buddy took the picture right after I got up.
Are you okay?
Well, a little embarrassed.
But other than that? Do you hear things? Voices telling you to do things? Do you hear things that never turn out real?
What?
Okay, never mind. So, you're okay?
Yeah. I mean, I still have a bit of a headache, but it's really no big deal.
Was this the first time you've ever wiped out in a public bathroom?
No. Last week I fell and chipped a tooth on a urinal in a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Toronto. It was one of the back teeth. I bit my tongue.
Has this recent fall changed you in any way? Has it changed your perspective on just how precious life is and how you should not waste the time you have here on earth and maybe, just maybe, you should stop taking this gift of life for granted and stop just making excuses for not going out there and being the best you can be and all the rest of that type of thing?
No. I just fell and hit my face. It's really not that big a deal.
So, would you say you still have a sunny disposition?
What?
Never mind. Could you at least say something remotely interesting or people may think that this whole thing is nothing but fluff for fluff's sake.
Well, like I said, I just fell and hit my face. Mostly my eye. But, uh, that's about it.
Okay. Is there anything else?
Nope. That's about it. Hey, is there a bathroom here at Bangus?
Nope. We use the one at Staples.
Hey, me too.
Outstanding!

Infinite Jest Infinitely

“I often think I can see it in myself and in other young writers, this desperate desire to please coupled with a kind of hostility to the reader.” – David Foster Wallace (February 21, 1962 – September 12, 2008)

I’ve stepped in the same pile of dog crap three times now. Three different days. Consecutive days. It’s becoming somewhat pitiful; all of which of course has nothing to do with anything, but there it is, and here we are. So, I’ve been writing for some time now — wrestling with words to little or no fanfare. It should be noted that doing anything repeatedly over a prolonged period of time to little or no fanfare can be somewhat discouraging. For a writer, this can take an insidious toll. My first novel, Tuesday from a ‘78 Skylark, was actually published by a legitimate publishing house. There was a book signing at a small local art gallery and a few public readings and everything! At the signing there were tiny pickles served on a plastic platter and a large box of wine that had a plastic spigot protruding from the side. I sat on a white plastic chair behind a display table; my publisher at my side. Copies of Skylark adorned the wall behind me. People milled around under soft lighting recessed into the drop-ceiling. Mose Allison played discretely from tiny speakers hidden in fake potted plants. I thought that I was on my way despite my suspicions that most of the people who turned out were there for the free wine and freakishly small pickles. My publisher, bless his soul, was happy with the turnout, regardless of the small numbers of copies that actually sold. One woman with a rather severe disposition asked me what my book was about. I had to tell her I honestly had no idea. She asked me if my book was any good. I had to tell her I honestly had no idea. She asked me why then should she buy my book. I told her she shouldn’t. She did, and asked me to write “something clever” on the inside. This is was I wrote: “I’m sorry I’m not Stephen King. Love Salman Rushdie and Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner. Lebanon, January 12th, 1974.”

MIssissippi Gary Gets The Message by Fax No Less

Hey Kevin - I’m pissed off. Can you deliver this message to Mississippi Gary: he’s a bastard. He won’t answer his phone and he doesn’t return messages. If you see him, tell him he owes me for the foot-long hot dog, lumberjack breakfast, grilled cheese and that large order of mushroom caps I bought for him at Myrts. I bought him all this after a 56-hour bender a few weeks ago. Man, that was a great night. Me and Gary and some British guy with a huge forehead. He looked like Frasier Crane. And all that Russian Prince Vodka. Still, tell that deadbeat dickhead that I want my money or I’ll organize a little field trip with Uldis Peamen’s gym class — we’ll take Gary out for a quick game of taser tag. Oh yeah, did you hear that F.J. McElligott won the first annual “Stun guns for everyone” tournament in Bonfield. If you print this fax I’ll come over there and kick your ass. Drop dead.


Peter Pitchachilli

The Bangus Conversation with Stephen Hawking

BANGUS ONLINE - While in Bangus County to be honored by the Bangus Chamber of Commerce at the World Science Festival, celebrated physicist Stephen Hawking sat down for an interview with famed Bangus emu - Edward.

The open air interview touched on everything from the mysteries of the universe to the definition of God. When asked by Edward the Emu about the biggest mystery he'd like solved, Hawking replied, "I want to know why the universe exists, why there is something greater than nothing."

And because every answer from Hawking is a complex and fascinating reply, we felt every answer deserved special attention. So in today's Conversation, hear more from Edward's interview with Hawking. How does he reconcile the idea of religion and science? And what does he think are the best and worst decisions of our generation?

Also hear from Hawking's daughter, Lucy, who shares what she thinks her father's greatest accomplishments have been. Lucy also shares stories of her father's sly sense of humor and great capacity to overcome obstacles that would topple the average man. The full interview will be  available for podcast tomorrow. Other celebrities in attendance, Brooks and Dunn and BBC celebrity Jonathan Ross.

Bangus Book of the Day

A Confederacy of Dunces is a picaresque novel written by John Kennedy Toole, published by LSU Press in 1980, 11 years after the author's suicide. The book was published through the efforts of writer Walker Percy (who also contributed a revealing foreword) and Toole's mother Thelma Toole, quickly becoming a cult classic, and later a mainstream success. Toole posthumously won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 1981. It is now considered a canonical work of modern Southern literature.

The title derives from the epigraph by Jonathan Swift: "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." (Thoughts on Various Subjects, Moral and Diverting)

The story is set in New Orleans in the early 1960s. The central character is Ignatius J. Reilly, an educated but slothful 30-year-old man still living with his mother in the city's Uptown neighborhood, who, due to an incident early in the book, must set out to get a job. In his quest for employment he has various adventures with colorful French Quarter characters.**

** Juanita Wikipedia
A Confederacy of Dunces

Bangus Loves Thor!

Man has teeth replaced with pure energy

THIS IS A PAID ADVERTISING FOR ENERGY TEETH.

After years suffering from dental problems, James Hill is now proud to smile after instructing his dentist to replace all of his teeth with 100 % pure energy. 

"I love my new smile. I'm not ashamed no more and kids don't call me monster tooth. Today my smile is bigger than ever. I can also chew through whale bone and cement. My energy teeth are just amazing. I have more confidence and I am getting so much action it's crazy! I'm like one of the Jersey Boys"

Do you want a mouth stuffed with pure energy? Call toll free today for consultation. 1 888 666 0688 or visit us online www.energyteeth.ca

Bangus HQ Cleared of all Corruption Charges - Grand Reopening with Celebrity DJ

BANGUS COUNTY - All charges of corruption have been dropped against Bangus Online. After a cursory investigation it was determined that all complaints levied against the media company came from a single disgruntled employee who was embarrassed after being spanked for not cleaning the office mini-fridge. Bangus Fact Checker and unlicensed ophthalmologist, Mississippi Gary will not be allowed to celebrate the re-opening of Bangus HQ where local DJ - Wayne - will spin some serious vinyl well into the wee hours.

Culture of Corruption forces closure of Bangus HQ

Closed for the afternoon due to corruption and incompetence.

HEY PAL, YOUR CANADIAN KITTY WANTS YOU CANADIAN DEAD

Hey. So you like your cat, eh? Sure. Just look at him. He’s purring and licking himself in the privates. You’re a cat person. And hell, why not? Cats are independent and have that coolness about them - that aloofness. Your kitty projects that aura of “you want me to what? I don’t think so. Now, leave me the hell alone.” You, as a committed cat person, delude yourself into thinking that it is this very feline character that draws you to your cute little kitty. After all - your choice of pet is a personification of who you are. Right? Sure. Who needs a dog that wants nothing more than to smell his own ass during every waking moment when he isn’t drinking from the toilet? Ah, but your cat - Charlie Doogan - he makes for a good companion. But, remember and never forget, while you’re casually stroking Charlie Doogan or Gutser or whatever you’ve decided to name your kitty, he’s itemizing all the different ways he can manipulate you and possibly do you serious mental and bodily harm. It’s the ultimate psychological checkmate. So just wait. It may not happen today or tomorrow but rest assured, your Canadian cat wants you Canadian dead (or at the very least, mentally crippled!) Don’t buy into that ‘playing with balls of wool’ bullshit.

Cats make people do terrible things. The evil Colonel Wilhelm Klink had a cat named ‘Fraü Mew-Mew.’ The guy who shot Abe Lincoln had a cat named ‘Thadeus’ and even Mark David Chapman had a kitty named ‘Allen’. Coincidence? Maybe. But both Ann Murray and Michael J Fox have cats and both are quite sinister characters. Bangus is not suggesting you do anything rash, like hire Mississippi Gary to come and snuff your cat, but just be aware. If you feel like something bad’s gonna go down then by all means contact Bangus and we’ll take care of the rest. Discretion and confidentiality assured. Remember, your furry Canadian kitty-kitty may not want you completely totally dead, but he sure wants you out of the way.

2010: The Year of the Hoople Heads, Baby Talk, the Bankrupt Wealthy Barber and the Destitute Dissolute in 2 ACTS

ACT I

“When someone farts, ten angels die.” Isis - Egyptian Goddess of Fertility and Friend to the Slaves

“Let’s burn all the bridges while we’re at it.” Joseph of Magenta

Recently I read something so profound - so indescribably beautiful and poignant - that I immediately broke down and collapsed into a sloppy, sobbing heap of flesh and jagged, chipped bones. I blubbered for damn near two full nights and three partial half days, not including the evenings and mid-mornings. My family had to step over me to get to the sofa. I didn’t ‘cry like a baby’ though, because from what I recall, babies do very little actual crying, but instead scream their frustration and disapproval. It’s a pretty primal form of communicating. I like it. It beats the shit out of twitter. As it stands, we live under varying shades of neurotic innuendo, incomprehensible abbreviations and total catastrophic misunderstandings. It’s difficult to tell a good fart joke through Facebook. Some things require face-to-face contact. “Pull my finger, Henry.”

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how infants communicate - giggles and screams. We should go back to these two forms of expressions. That’s it. No bullshit. But surely people would frown on this type of behaviour - they would call you FOOLISH, CHILDLIKE, INFANTILE, and so forth. They would admonish you to GROW UP! ACT LIKE A LADY! BE A MAN! ACT YOUR AGE! LET’S BE MATURE ABOUT THIS! DON’T BE SUCH A BABY!

WOMAN BREAKS 14-YEAR SILENCE BY BREAKING WIND

BANGUS ONLINE — For Elanor Kargus from Regina it started with a stifled giggle then before the air and the room cleared, Elanor uttered her first two words in fourteen years. “Excuse me.”

Kargus took an oath of silence after getting arrested for calling a policeman a “neanderthal.” She held her tongue admirably while maintaining her job at a javelin manufacturing plant and also raising two children.

“My temper always kept me in trouble so I just figured I’d remove the root of all my trouble and it was actually really nice. I enjoyed the inner solitude. I still had all my friends and I was able to gesture.” Her self-imposed silence ended abruptly while playing shuffle board at a friend’s residence in nearby Pt. Lyre an upscale suburb of Regina.

“I farted and then I just lost it. I was mortified at first but then it just felt good to speak.”

Ruth Buzzi - We Need You Now More Than Words Can Say...and so forth and so on...

You know what would make the world a little brighter? Do you? Free range parrots? What? Parrots? No. We need less parrots to be honest. No, what the world needs is a return to the good old fashioned days of Hollywood hotness. Hollywood has gone from sexy and sophisticated to slutty and skanky - from natural beauty to bloated lips and lypo'd hips. Here at Bangus HQ still have the poster of natural bombshell - the stunning First Woman of Comedy - Ruth Buzzi. Sure she looks a little depressed and frumpy and with no chest to speak of, but there's an inner beauty that simply cannot be denied. A true woman of substance. Uncle Wallace claims to have shared some serious intimacies with Ruth Buzzi in 1968 but the tryst ended in less than six minutes with tears and neurotic accusations. They have not spoken since except for some serious legal documents prohibiting Uncle Wallace from contacting her in any shape or form. Actually more free range parrots would make the world a little brighter. But at what cost people? At what cost?

MAN TAKES LEAP OF FAITH AND CRUSHES STERNUM AND RIPS BELLY - “I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT,” SAYS CO-WORKER

BANGUS ONLINE — A Toronto man is in hospital after taking an impulsive, yet spectacular leap of faith after becoming involved in an verbal altercation with his shift-manager. Marshal Dincan, of Keele Street, spoke often of changing vocations from his current one of entry-level pallet repairman at a north-end paint factory to that of a professional puppeteer and ventriloquist. Dincan was hired in the spring of 2001 at Reynolds Paints in Vaughn Township, GTA. According to work performance records obtained by Bangus Online, Dincan had twice been accused of stealing office supplies and selling them for an increased street value, which had been a mitigating factor in the recent workplace mishap.

Shift Manager Pat Hearn of Oakville, confronted Dincan about missing safety glasses and Zippo lighters. It is alleged that Dincan then became enraged and began shouting out that he could no longer stand such a “mundane working environment.” He announced to anyone within earshot that he was “quitting” effective immediately to pursue his dream.

A co-worker, who has requested anonymity, has come forward claiming that he tried to tried to talk Dincan out of making such a rash decision. “I told him not to do it. But, he did it anyway. I didn’t really care either way. He was a bit of a jerk face.”

As Dincan was cleaning out his locker, a fork lift sped out of control due to brake failure, careening with Dincan throwing him nine meters onto a case of oil based paints, crushing his sternum. The operator of the fork lift, who was the only employee trained in CPR and First Aid, opted not to assist his fallen coworker due to Dincan’s abrasive personality and disagreeable demeanor.

“I never liked the guy. He was always talking about is big plans and ideas. He was an idiot. After I hit him with the fork lift I got Gail, from the cafeteria to call an ambulance then I set to work cleaning up all the spilled
paint. It took me all afternoon.”

Factory spokesmen have refused to comment on the incident, pending an internal workplace safety investigation, but Marianne Hugely from Human Resources did tell Bangus that there is a entry level position available at Reynolds Paints for a pallet repair technician. Successful applicants will have secondary diploma and a desire to use an air-hammer.

Canada's Fake Muskoka Lake G8 Watergate

What's all this hoopla?

World Cup Conundrum? Don't know who to cheer for? Mississippi Gary can help

The 2010 FIFA World Cup will kick off this Friday somewhere in South Africa. We're not sure where exactly or even what time the first match is scheduled. Hell, maybe it's not even this Friday. But, regardless of these insignificant details, are you looking to get in on this sweet, sweet action? Looking to cash in and lay some serious money down and so forth and so on? Bangus resident soccer hooligan Mississippi Gary, who has been predicting FIFA outcomes since 16 A.D. says that "this year the team to watch is Cameroon, or possibly Honduras, North Korea or Slovakia. If not, Greece is looking pretty solid. So is Ghana. But, thankfully, the Americans suck huge. They think they're so cool with their Jersey Boys and Sex in the City bullshit. I think Sarah Jessica Parker's face looks like Mister Ed. But my money is on Argentina or England."

Bangus Book of the Day with celebrity endorsement

"George Carlin was too busy drinking wine to realize how brilliant he was. One time he slapped me for not eating with my dirty hands. Then he died and he had the last laugh. George Carlin is the antidote to Carrot Top and Louis Anderson." - Uncle Wallace

‘SUNBLOCK AND THE RASTAFARIAN’ AS OVERHEARD IN MONTEGO BAY

“Ya mon?”
“Hey man. I bought this shit here and I want my money back.”
“Sorry mon, we can’t return your money for dat.”
“But it doesn’t work.”
“I’m sorry mon but we are not responsible for dat. We just sell it.”
“But Jesus Christ look at me.”
“You look a little red mon. Like jerk chicken.”
“A little red? Holy shit. I’m burning. It feels like my ass is on fire. I’m redder than North Korea!”
“I think you look good, mon. Red suits you. Yeah mon.”
“Quit jerking with me Rasta man and none of this ‘Arie’ bullshit. I bought this sun lotion from your stand and now I’m ten sheds of red and I want my money back.”
“I’m sorry mon. No refunds on sun lotion.”
“Where’s the manager?”
“She’s under dat tree, mon. Do you want me to get her for you?”
“Yes. I want to speak with her.”
“No worries. Rita?”
“Ya baby?”
“This mon would like to speak with you.”
“Yes sir. How can I help you?”
“I bough this sun tan lotion this morning and look at me.”
“Sir?”

“I’ve got third degree burns. I want my money back. I spent enough on this stuff that I should be able to take a dump on the sun without so much as a blister on my ass!”
“I’m sorry sir. We don’t manufacture the lotion we just sell it so I can’t refund you your money. But sir, maybe even with sun block on you shouldn’t spend so long in the sun. Too much rum maybe?”
“Hey, listen. I paid three grand to be here and if I want to spend my day drinking in the sun then goddammit
it’s my business.”
“Ya mon. Perhaps you should buy a stronger sun screen with a higher UV rating. Please show me the bottle.”
“It’s this stuff.”
“Sir, this is not even sun block. It’s olive oil.”
“What?”
“Ya mon. It’s olive oil.”
“Yeah? Well, still. The bottle’s poorly marked.”
“But it says OLIVE OIL right here on the label.”
“Why are you giving me such a hard time. You’d never get away with this hustle back where I come from.”
“Where is that, mon?”
“Bangus County. I’m never coming back to this place again.”
“That’s a shame mon because you smell delicious"

Wilks enjoys exciting night out in North Bay a few months ago so it's hardly relevant today

BANGUS ONLINE - NORTH BAY, ON– “I went out last night to Galaxy and I had a blast,” claims North Bay native, Avery Wilks. January 2010 began poorly for Wilks with an apartment fire ignited by his electric blanket. This occurred New Year’s Day. He escaped unharmed but due to the extensive smoke and water damage to his Worthington Street apartment he lost his extensive collection of Elvis soundtracks on vinyl. After this, things continued to spiral downward.

January 6 Wilks falls down staircase, injuring his back and neck. Loses three teeth.
January 13 proves uneventful.
January 17 is a Monday. Wilks receives a registered letter stating that due to a clerical error, he now owes the Canadian Government back-taxes of $16,786.32 from three years ago when he sold six bushels of sweet
corn from the back of his truck.
January 20 Wilks finds a wallet on Wyld Street and is then promptly mugged by three men all wearing baseball caps and grey hooded sweatshirts. In an unfortunate twist of fate, the wallet belongs to one of the muggers who quickly accuses Wilks of being a thief. Loses more teeth.
January 24 Wilks applies for a job only to discover that he has an outstanding arrest warrant from high school when he allegedly shoplifted a large Butterball ham from a grocery store. He had forgotten all about that. This record would now prohibit him from working at No Frills where they shun all forms of wanton ham thievery.
January 28 Wilks is attacked by a Peurto Rican Screech Owl ( otus nudipes.) The razor talons slashed up his scalp.
January 31 Wilks, afraid to go anywhere or do anything lest he stumble into more misfortune stays close to home to reflect on the terrible month. At 11:30 that night before retiring to bed, confident that the month of February would be a better one, Wilks accidentally swallows a commemorative Remembrance Day quarter from Tim Hortons.
February 1 Wilks goes out with longtime friend and confidante, Lloyd Cheepnis. Both Wilks and Cheepnis have a fine time.

“We went out and took in Avatar and then went out for a few drinks and I was just waiting for something to go wrong but we had a terrific time and it looks like I may have turned the corner. January was a bad month, there’s no doubt.”