OPEN INVITATION TO A PUBLIC CIRCUMCISION

Come out and celebrate Mississippi Gary's surprise circumcision. It will be fabulous. Live music provided by Brett Micheals. Door prizes and a 50-50 draw with proceeds going to the Eli Huckabone defence fund. Spread the word but don't tell Mississippi Gary.

Where: The Bangus Agrodome
When: May 22nd
Dress: Formal
Time: Sit-down bologna banquet starts at 6 pm sharp. Please bring your own bologna.

Perez Hilton Blesses the Rain Down in Africa - Then Gets Smacked Around by 100 Men or More!

A Public Plea to a Friend - Phil Spector, please call home.

Hello Phil. We’re not sure just what’s going on with you, but whatever it is, please call Bangus HQ just to let us know you’re okay. The last time we spoke, you seemed a little distracted and had a gun. That was quite a while ago. If you’re reading this, Mississippi Gary wrote a song for you:

 There's so many times we’ve let you down, so many times we’ve played around, we tell you now, they don't mean a thing. Every place we go, we'll think of you, every song we sing, we'll sing for you, when you come back, we'll bring your wedding ring (and so forth and so on - it ends with a bunch of la la las.

BROKEN BUSHKNEE MAN SMOKES 1,767 CIGARETTES TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE HEART & STROKE SOCIETY

Broken Bushknee, Alberta — 28 year-old Lyle Mandes takes a large haul from his new inhaler. It’s clear and it makes a “tooting” sound, much like a plastic harmonica one could win at a local carnival by perhaps throwing a dart at a large balloon.

“It helps me to live,” he claims, although due to his raspy voice, it is difficult to discern exactly what Lyle is saying. Lyle’s smoke-a-thon display was erected at The Grand West Shopping Center. Sitting cross-legged in a Plexiglas box suspended over the mall’s majestic water fountain, the event raised over $200 mostly in nickels and dimes. It took Lyle a mere 76 hours of round-the-clock puffing to go through the 1,767 Number 7 cigarettes. After lighting the 1,768th cigarette he suffered nine consecutive heart attacks and two mini strokes.

“MY BOSS IS AN ASSHOLE” CLAIMS SELF-EMPLOYED MAN

BANGUS ONLINE -  PORT ALBEIRN, ON— It’s become an all-too familiar refrain from A large part of today’s workforce. “My boss is an asshole!” With trends towards backroom deals, closed boardrooms and enough skullduggery to choke a hog, there is little motivation for a solid work ethic or putting in an honest days work for an honest days pay. Does that extra effort go unrewarded? What are today’s realities when it comes to job advancement. The unofficial word on the street is that, simply stated, the working stiff is overworked, desperate and unappreciated.

According to Sarah Mullins, a sociologist from Westmeath who has self-published numerous books and ghostwritten a scathing unauthorized biography on Ontario Hydro: “A man’s worth is now measured by how brown his nose is. The browner it is the more doors of opportunity are magically opened. You want that promotion? Quit crunching numbers. Get down on all fours and smooch. And obviously that goes for the ladies as well. This is not drawn along the lines of gender. What was once considered a sour grapes type of cynicism has now become much more of a systematic reality.”

A BRIEF BANGUS BASS BEATLES MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Bangus Films - Open Auditions for Sex in the Inner City

Do you have what it takes to become the next Sarah Jessica Parker? Bangus Films can make it happen.

To be a successful actor you really have to have a passion for the craft and the patience to wait for the big break. Although being an actor is extremely rewarding, finding work can be a challenge. The profession requires great commitment and fortitude. Please hand-deliver your headshot and resume to Bangus Casting Director, Mississippi Gary. He will be driving around Bangus County in the rusty Grand Caravan looking for that special person.

Bangus Book of the Day

 
Warren William Zevon (January 24, 1947 – September 7, 2003) was an American rock singer-songwriter and musician noted for including his strange, sardonic opinions of life in his musical lyrics, composing songs that were sometimes humorous and often had political or historical themes.


Although his was a cult success, Zevon's work has often been complimented by well-known musicians. His best-known compositions include "Werewolves of London", "Lawyers, Guns and Money", "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" and "Johnny Strikes Up The Band", all of which are featured on his 1978 release, Excitable Boy. Other well-known songs written by Zevon have been recorded by other artists, including "Accidentally Like a Martyr", "Mohammed's Radio", "Carmelita", and "Hasten Down the WInd".

source - Johanna Wikipedia

It's okay, really. It's worse than it looks.

 Just a quick note  before y’all get into your day. Yesterday I was attacked by a guy with huge board. No, please – it’s okay, settle down everyone, I’m fine – nothing a little plaster won’t cure over a long period of time.  Anyway, I was behind the supermarket looking for, uh, well, that part’s not important right now. I didn’t see him coming up behind me. I turned, and there he was. I don’t know who he was. He kind of looked like Tony Danza, if that makes any sense at all. And who in their right mind would ever guess that a guy who looks like Tony Danza was capable of such ferocity? Without saying a word, he began whacking at me about the head, neck and torso. Just by the way he was striking me, the passion he put into all his swings, I knew something had to be on his mind. I could just tell he blamed me for a host of things – his ruined marriage, the loss of his job, the shitty state of the Canadian economy, his wonky credit rating, his leaky canoe, a recent tax audit, and his esophageal reflux. And who really could blame him? Poor bastard. He was as much a victim as I was. Still, I gotta say, that’s no reason to rough me up. There must be a better way than random violence. That’s in the Bible. So, after he was done playing whack-a-pecore with me, he looked mortified. He apologized and wrote me a cheque for three hundred bucks if I didn’t go to the cops. I am not a fink. When I can move I will cash his cheque. You can’t make this shit up.

Today's Apolgies

An open letter from the editor of Bangus Online

Hello. There are times when a simple apology is just not enough. That's in the Bible somewhere. But hang on - this is not one of these times, so for now a simple but heartfelt apology will have to do. Here we go, in no particular order: Roger Ebert, Conway Twitty and his lovely wife Titty, all of neighbouring Mattawa (just a little north of Bangus County once you cross the tracks), Lily Barlow, one of the guys in Phish, Tammy Rogers, Peter Criss, The Situation, Wolf Blitzer, all of Eastern Europe, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the guy driving the Google Street View car. Sorry to everyone. Now, with all that shit out of the way, I do not apologize to the following people: the other three guys in Phish, the ghost of Al Waxman, Mississippi Gary and the guy who thought it would be cool to throw up in front of Bangus Headquarters. Oh yeah, and the Bangles. You folks have only yourselves to blame.

BANGUS VIDEO BREAK

AFTER 26 HR. INTERROGATION SLABTOWN WOMAN ADMITS TO FARTING IN SUPERMARKET - TWICE! ONCE FROM EACH BOTTOM

SLABTOWN — Tammy ‘Two Bums’ Rogers has recanted her shocking taped confession to two counts of public flatulence in the produce section of a local supermarket. Rogers claims the confession was made “under duress.” She has retained local council and will plead ‘not guilty’ to the two charges leveled against her.

Slabtown, a sleepy town just east of Renfrew, Ontario, has been buzzing since the news quickly spread of Rogers’ arrest. In every coffee shop and hair salon, Rogers is the prime topic of conversation. But the public is sharply divided in their support of Rogers. There are those who see her as trouble:

“I knew she was trouble. She is odd. I mean, just seeing her at the beach, I knew there was something a little off about her,” says local optometrist and part time auctioneer, who has requested his name not be published (Jonathon Ross).

Then there are those who see Rogers as a victim: “She’s a victim. There’s no doubt. The whole think stinks. It smells of a setup. It smells like the whole case is rotten” says mechanic Richard Emmet.

Rogers remains out on bail and is due in court September 27th.

Man orders Austrian Bride – Receives Ostrich

“I knew something was wrong when she kept kicking me in the throat. I am certainly not happy, but I have lost the receipt so I can’t return her.”

DUKE CROSSING MAN DIES DOING WHAT HE LOVED

BANGUS ONLINE - Duke Crossing — A 37 year-old Duke Crossing man died doing what he loved. William Hayes was an outgoing man according to friends and family and some people that hardly knew him. A neighbour, who asked not to be identified told Bangus that “as far as dying goes, William died doing what he loved.” William’s fiancée, Sheila Dryfuss holds a recent picture of William.

“Well, he’s gone now, but at least he died doing what he loved. How many of us can really say that?” It’s a question that cannot be easily answered as you would be required to die doing what you loved in order to be qualified to answer it.

So how did William Hayes die? Just what was it that William Hayes loved so damn much? It seems that William Hayes loved holding up liquor stores. Responding to a silent alarm in the west end, police confronted a heavily armed Hayes. Shots were fired. It did not end well for William Hayes who apparently died doing what he loved. “Oh, my beautiful William, he sure loved jacking liquor stores,” Sheila told Bangus Online.

YOU’VE REACHED BANGUS ONLINE. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE BEEP.

(beep) Hi Bangus. Oh my God, I can't believe I got through!! You put the boom boom into my heart, you send my soul sky high when your lovin’ starts. Jitterbug into my brain, goes bang bang bang till my feet do the same. But something’s bugging me, somethin ain’t right. My best friend told me what you did last night. Left me sleeping in my bed. I was dreaming but I should’ve been with you instead. Wake me up before you go go. Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo. Wake me up before you go go, I don’t wanna miss it when you hit that high. Wake me up before you go go, ‘cause I’m not planning on going solo. Wake me up before you go go. Take me dancing tonight. I wanna hit that high. You get the gray skies outta my way. You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day. Turn a bright spark into a flame. My beats per minute never been the same, ‘cause you’re my lady, I’m your fool. Makes me crazy when you act so cruel. C’mon baby, let’s not fight. We’ll go dancing and everything will be alright. Cuddle up baby, move in tight. We’ll go dancing tomorrow night. It’s cold out there, but it’s warm in bed. They can dance, we’ll stay (beep)

Bangus Book of the Day

Henry Charles Bukowski, born Heinrich Karl Bukowski, (August 16, 1920 – March 9, 1994) was an American poet, novelist, and short story writer. Bukowski's writing was heavily influenced by the geography and atmosphere of his home city of Los Angeles, and is marked by an emphasis on the ordinary lives of poor Americans, the act of writing, alcohol, relationships with women, and the drudgery of work. A prolific author, Bukowski wrote thousands of poems, hundreds of short stories, and six novels, eventually having over 60 books in print. In 1986 Time called Bukowski a "laureate of American lowlife."

 Source - that wiki place

A Public Plea to our Friend

Richard Simmons, please call home. We miss you and are very sorry. Please come back. Marjorie made some huckleberry pies.

We wrote a song for you and everything.

There's so many times we’ve let you down, so many times we’ve played around, we tell you now, they don't mean a thing. Every place we go, we'll think of you, every song we sing, we'll sing for you, when you come back, we'll bring your wedding ring (and so forth and so on - it ends with  bunch of la la las)

MAN WISHES PLAGUE ON NEIGHBOUR’S HOUSE - GETS HERPES

BANGUS COUNTY - Sergie McArthur was fed up with his neighbour’s dog defecating on his lawn. After years of trying to appeal to his neighbour’s sense of courtesy and reason, to no avail, McArthur became desperate.

“This guy just didn’t care that his boxer was shitting all over my lawn so I wished a plague on his household. I guess I did it wrong or something because the day after, I started scratching something fierce. You know, like down below. The doctor told me I had contracted herpes. And to make it worse, his goddamn dog is still shitting on my lawn.”

FILE PHOTO

Day Ends Bad for Bird Watching Bullshitter

BANGUS ONLINE - Trent River on the Thames, ON—Raymand Caravello broke the cardinal rule of bird watching. He lied. He lied not once, but apparently he lied many, many times while senior member of the prestigious Trent River Bird Watchers Association (TRBWA). Raymond Caravello paid the ultimate price for his dishonesty. Held to an impossibly high standard for ethics than people who do not particularly care for birds, once you become a full card carrying member of the TRBWA, you are duty bound to comport yourself in a dignified, honest manner, in and out of the bush, claims President Rodney Mack.

“We had little choice,” shrugs Mack. “He lied about seeing a numbers of birds. He logged them as being sighted but an anonymous complaint came in to the undersecretary that Mr Caravello was not being truthful in his findings. Further, it came to our attention that while drinking, he told anyone within earshot that he couldn’t tell a woodpecker or a tit cock from an albatross and only goes to try and, excuse the term, it’s rather coarse - but he said he was just trying to “get laid.” Now, I ask you, who in their right mind would carry on in such a way?”

When confronted with the facts of the case, Caravello became defensive and conspiratorial, suggesting that fellow members were in fact jealous of his history of successful bird watching. He was then shown a picture of a chicken and asked to identify it. Caravello referred to the foul as a blue-peckered macaw. Caravello was then dragged out to the TRBWA Hanging Tree — an old hickory in back of the portable they rent from the local high school for their monthly meetings, and hanged. No charges have been laid at the time of press

Pissed-off woman takes out full two page ad in newspaper showing a picture of her husband’s misshapen genitalia. Paper claims they thought it was a strange peanut!

BANGUS COUNTY - A Bangus County woman is pleased with the results she is getting from a paid ad she placed in the Bangus County Gazette. Sheena Easton, 36  placed the ad to embarrass her husband Eric, after making a "terrible scene" at her best friend’s wedding.

“Eric was acting like a total dick,” she states. “He was pounding back wine coolers, and I dunno, I guess he thought he was some kind of heartthrob, but he was just being a real macho pain in the ass. When I asked him to cool it, he made a joke about me PMSing. So that night I took a picture of his ‘willy’ and after some patch Photoshop work, placed it in the paper looking to trade it for a 1978 Camero.”

The daily paper with a circulation of thirty thousand people around the tri-Bangus County area claims they had no knowledge that the picture was of Eric’s genitalia . Editor Nathan Jiggs, states that the picture looks like a "strange peanut of some assortment", but that had the paper known in advance of the exact explicit nature of the photo, they would have probably ran it anyway as ad revenue is down 600% over the last two years.

Canada's Largest Beaver Dam is Really a Meth Lab and Digital Recording Studio

BANGUS COUNTY - Canadians and people from across the world have shown an unprecedented level of interest in what is believed to be the world's largest beaver dam located just of Bangus County just past the Beer Store. But with the sudden interest and fascination comes unsettling claims of drugs, the flesh trade, cigarette smuggling and a subversive recording studio.

Bangus fact-checker Mississippi Gary has confirmed through sources that the dam has been under surveillance for the past eleven years by the RCMP and Bangus Police (codename Project Brenda) and that the world spotlight on the structure, which some believe dates back to 29 AD, is threatening to compromise the investigation. Mississippi Gary says: "I know for a fact that they [the beavers] are cooking meth, making booze, adult films, and kick ass reggae music. My source says that they are even selling counterfeit pork byproducts, antidepressants and guns. Damn! These beavers are rock stars!"

Offshore Oil Rig Kits Recall -

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - RECALL NOTICE

The manufacturers of Sunny's Backyard Offshore Oil Rig Kits are recalling more then twenty-six million do-it-yourself offshore oil rig kits after the recent explosion in Louisiana. Although they blame that calamity -  which Roger Ebert describes as the "biggest natural disaster in the United States since Kirstie Alley" -  on shoddy installation on behalf of the builder, a 39 year old Fort McMurray man, Sunny's is taking extra precautions. Anyone who purchased a Sunny DIY Oil Rig Kit (model #s: 4365, 2687, 684,6768,72687,12765, 4765 and 25465) can return them with proof of purchase and in the original box for full refund.

After Three Years of Silence Young Mute Shouts: “Mom, Deep Purple Sucks The Big One!”

Doctor claims: “It’s a miracle!”

BANGUS COUNTY — Young Bradley Fowler sits in front of the television smiling and laughing with his friends at the crazy antics of Spongebob Squarepants. It’s a happy day. The house booms with laughter from friends, family and well-wishers. Cheryl Fowler puts the finishing touches on a Spongebob Squarepants chocolate cake, shooing away a group of kids as they try to get in a sneaky little lick from the side of the triple layer treat. It’s been four days since young Bradley Fowler uttered his first few words since that fateful day three years ago when a traumatic experience left him mute and quite unreasonable.

 “He just stopped talking. We couldn’t do anything. The doctors couldn’t do anything. We cried. It was a dark time for all of us,” Cheryl says, tearing up while pouring out impossibly blue Koolaid into tiny paper cups. “We prayed and prayed for Bradley to talk again.” Bradley screams out for more dill pickle chips.

 “And our prayers were answered. That’s the sound of an angel. It truly is a miracle.” Cheryl wipes a tear and runs to the living room with a fresh bag of chips.

 Bradley was age 5 when he viewed a Very Special Kenny Rogers Christmas on television. Then Bradley just stopped talking. “No amount of counseling did any good for our precious little angel. He just stared. Kenny Rogers really messed with his mind. He stared and colored in his doodle books.”

 That all changed May 3rd as Cheryl and Bradley's father, Chuck watched with the rest of Canada and millions of people worldwide as Deep Purple performed on television for the Alberta Landslide Victim’s Relief Concert. Chuck, a lifelong fan of the rock supergroup took the two weeks leading up to the show off on sick leave, staying in the house and drinking copious amounts of Old Milwaukee and rocking out to some of his favorite Deep Purple albums.

Cheryl recalls: “Chuck was drunk but in a happy way. Not like some other people who get ugly when they drink. So, we were watching the television and Bradley was just staring like he does. He did some colouring earlier but he stopped and was staring at the television. And when Deep Purple came on that’s when it happened.”

 According to Cheryl, Chuck passed out from all the excitement and revelry leading up to Deep Purple taking the stage and she, not being a very big fan of the genre was absently chewing her nails just hoping Chuck would stay asleep. Bradley shouted:

“Holy shit, mom! Deep Purple really sucks the big one!” Cheryl told Bangus Online that she just couldn’t believe it. “I thought maybe I nodded off, but then he said it again and it was a miracle. I forgot how beautiful his voice was. Sure, I wish his first few words were not as offensive, but he’s talking again and it’s all thanks to the miraculous healing powers of Deep Purple.’

Deep

YES, A CANADIAN SAID IT!

“Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.” - Super Sexy Sir John A Macdonald - 1867

A Public Plea to Our Friend

Roger Ebert please call home. We miss you and are very sorry. Please come back. Marjorie made some huckleberry pies.

We wrote a song for you and everything.

There's so many times we’ve let you down, so many times we’ve played around
We tell you now, they don't mean a thing, every place we go, we'll think of you
Every song we sing, we'll sing for you, when you come back, we'll bring your wedding ring (and so forth and so on - it ends with  bunch of la la las)

Love, you friends and family at Bangus Online