Precious memories from a man-child and his deer:

When I was just a young man-child with little concept of the world around me I had a beautiful deer that I raised from a fawn. His name was Tommy Shanks and he loved me and I loved him. We grew up together in a colossal sweatshop on the far side of Trout Lake. We were orphans, see, and we were sold into a forced-labor camp to make leather slippers and maple syrup, but it wasn’t bad as The Fifth Estate would have you believe. At least not for me because I had my best friend, Tommy Shanks, as company. Me and Tommy spent twenty-one years on that labour farm churning out thousands of quality beaded slippers and later, designer handbags. To be honest, I’d be the one doing most of the intricate needle work because Tommy was a deer and struggled sewing with his clumsy hoofs. It was a cool morning in October the last time I saw Tommy Shanks, my friend and confidant. He told me he was tired of the exploitation and was going to make a break for it. He said he was going to try his hand (hoof) at acting. We embraced then he jumped the fence to greet his new life. I sure hope things worked out well for him. I loved that deer.”

Let's talk about Clockwork Orange for a minute - just between friends

I like oranges. I like orange juice, too. Bananas? No. They’re too urban for me. They have this attitude that I don’t care much for. I like oranges. There’s no oranges in this book which is fine with me. Just because someone likes oranges doesn’t mean the topic of oranges would make for an interesting book and it would sell poorly unless it was written by Stephen King or that guy who’s always writing about submarines and espionage.

I remember first reading A Clockwork Orange, first published in 1962 by Anthony Burgess, when I was a kid growing up on the tough streets of the crime-infested industrial town of Kenmore By The Danmore just east of Prince Williams Valley Gorge, BC. Now, I’ve long since lost the book so this whole thing is going down by memory. The protagonist, Alex is a wise-ass psychopathic teenage hooligan (are there any other kind?) He leads a mindless pack of no-goods going from one crime spree to the next, skipping school and everything! There’s some serious debauchery and violence. Alex and his lads beat on bums and commit some pretty
atrocious acts. The language of the book and the Kubric directed movie is Nadstat. Burgess invented it to make the characters seem more psychotic.

According to Burgess, Nadstat is constructed from “old Cockney school boy talk, English, Russian, and bits of Communist subliminal penetration.” Naturally, things get out of hand. Little Alex is sent away for murder. In prison, he is transformed into a model citizen through this controversial Ludivico treatment. He is forcibly restrained and then conditioned to become sick whenever entertaining thoughts or witnessing acts of violence. They make him watch a ‘viddy’ compilation of some ‘nastiness’. But can this state-sponsored psychological rehabilitation program actually work? Can morality and a sense of what is right and wrong be forced down your gullet or guttiwut? Is the ability to choose between good and evil, in fact a human right? Or is it a mere privilege? Oh, and what's up with Mel Gibson? He sound's like a dick.

Here’s how it begins: (this is from memory so I may be off and if I am and you take the effort to notice my mistakes and e-mail them in to Bngus Online,we’ll that’s spooky)

“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, Dim being really Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry...

As I have no idea what the hell I did with my copy,I can’t find out word for word how it ends, but suffice it to say, it’s not good. I think it has something to do with recidivism.

Augustana in Julyana

The Dancing Man from Buffalo, For the Love of the Korn God, and the Lost Keys to the Hippie Bus

I recently met a guy from Buffalo. I didn't go out of my way to meet him nor was it a mysterious case of Providence. I just met him. Briefly - while at a Counting Crows concert - one of only two Canadian dates for their Traveling Circus and Medicine show. When you willingly join a temporary community of a few thousand people in a designated space you are bound by the laws of sociability to interact with someone in some form, yet interaction in general is not something I excel at - especially with strangers. I'm just hardwired that way and am now too set in my ways to try and modify this quirk. Small talk for me is excruciating. I can never come up with anything interesting to say. I just babble. I truly become seriously bent when it comes to talking to strangers - especially when it's strictly enforced. But, there it is, and here we are and there go you and I. So, I met this guy from Buffalo. Recently. So did my wife. He was sitting directly in front of us. He turned, introduced himself and just began talking. I think anyone who has ever gone to see a concert has met this same guy. He wears a concert shirt of the band he's seeing. He's hopelessly drunk and has an attractive girlfriend who looks like she's just trying to placate him by feigning her enthusiasm for his favourite band. Once the band hits the stage, he immediately stands and starts to dance. He 'whoops and hollers' in the section where people are perfectly happy to remain seated, unless prompted by the band to do otherwise. He tries to make small talk with everyone around him, who can't hear anything he's going on about, nor particularly care, but he keeps talking anyway. He phones someone on his cell and holds up the phone to subject the person on the other end to a heavily distorted mess of sonic drivel. I've seen this same guy at the following shows in no particular chronological order: Bob Dylan (times fifteen), Tom Petty, Grateful Dead, Joni Mitchell, Crosby Stills Nash, Neil Young (times three), Steve Earle (times three) , Pink Floyd (times three) , Rolling Stones (times three) , KISS (times four) , Iron Maiden (times two), David Bowie, Alice Cooper, Motorhead, Stompin' Tom, Robert Plant, Mark Knopfler, KoKo Taylor, Eric Clapton, Ronnie Wood, Bo Diddley, David Lee Roth, Spearhead, Blue Rodeo, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and even the Hot Club of Cow Town. It's the same guy being a dick and a total distraction. But, like Dr. Thompson once wrote - when you buy the ticket, you must take the ride.

Bangus Book of the Day

The World Out There - Bangus Foreign Affairs by noted Scorpio Thief Chris Rees

Where: USA

What : HIDEOUS MONSTER TERRORIZES HOLLYWOOD

A hideous monster has been sighted terrorizing the resident of Hollywood, California. The movie-making town has suffered repeated nightly attacks by a deranged monster known to hang innocent lingerie from chandeliers and smash champagne bottles several at a time. The creature is described as blond, spotty and not very talented. Lindsay Lohan’s publicist was unavailable for comment.

Where: CANADA

What: NEWFOUNDLAND ECONOMY GRINDS TO A HALT

Another victim of the “great recession” seems to be the economy of Newfoundland. Residents there are so hopeless of a recovery that many have even stopped collecting their unemployment premiums. “Why should I?” said St. John’s resident Percy Rogers. “The government should pay me to collect it.”

Where: ENGLAND

What: MASTER BURGLAR FINALLY CAUGHT

A master burglar who has been robbing residents nightly in London, England has finally been caught. The police say they had been trying in vain to catch the perp until they realized his secret: he was a midget! The 3’5” thief had not left footprints because his arse was so low it touched the ground. Police finally caught him by dusting for finger prints along the baseboards.

Where: AFRICA

What: ZIMBABWE LEADER PROMISES SOFTER APPROACH

Zimbabwe strongman Robert Mugabe has promised a “kinder, gentler” approach to government in future, he said. He told Bangus Online that starting in September 2010, suspected traitors and rebels will no longer be shot or tortured. There was no mention of an alternative punishment although it has been noted that DVD’s of all three seasons of “Veronica's Closet” had recently been flown to the capital city, Harare.

Where: KOREA

What: CIRCUS DOGS ON STRIKE

Dogs in the circus in Pyongyang, North Korea have ended their 2-day old strike. The dogs had been striking for higher pay and better working conditions. Circus leaders there had refused to budge. The dogs finally gave in after being told that if the strike continued they would be given alternative assignments in the restaurant business.