Hopper has left with Kurtz

A penny for the Old Guy, from your pals at Bangus Online

Poo Poo Bandit Rattles Bangus Residents

BANGUS COUNTY - Three feces-squirting theives are being sought after a daring daytime poo heist of a gas bar on the county's east end. Armed with only plastic bottles full of sprayable ka-ka-poo-poo, the bandits managed to escape with nine dollars, some scratch'n'sniff tickets and some beef jerky. No shit. True story.

Gary Coleman RIP

PROVO, Utah – Gary Coleman, the child star of the smash 1970s TV sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes" whose later career was marred by medical and legal problems, has died after suffering an intercranial hemorrhage. He was 42. Everyone at Bangus is bummed. There was only one Gary Coleman and now there is one less, which is 'none' if our math is correct.

Terrorism, Crowley, Lords of the Corn and Children of the Flies

I’ve just finished tearing through an Aleister Crowley novel. I began a column about the “Evilest Man in the World”, who actually seems to be essentially a junkie with a voracious appetite for crazy sex, Satanic chicanery, and funny getups. He wore a bow tie. I doubt if the Prince of Darkness would command any one of his minions to wear a bow tie. Ozzy kind of dug Aleister, while Jimmy Page purchased “Boleskine House”, the Scottish estate Crowley tramped around in from 1899 to 1913, naked while drinking wine from a gold goblet. I think Jimmy sold the place after he was tipped off by a neighbour about mould in the walls or something. Satan worshiping is evidently okay, but living with mould is a different thing entirely. Shamwow Vince summers there now.

The Crowley piece has petered out due to distraction. I’m a little rattled. There’s been a helicopter following me for the last few days. No, it’s not just all in my head; there’s plenty of stuff that is all “in my head” but this helicopter ain’t one of them. I’m under surveillance. It’s not subtle. It doesn’t appear to be a case of someone simply spying on me from a stealthy distance; or someone trailing me in a late-model tan sedan, keeping a few car lengths behind to avoid detection; or someone keeping tabs on me with kick-ass binoculars. This is a big fat helicopter, and it’s been following me.

SPECIALTY STORE CLOSING DOORS AFTER DISMAL OPENING WEEK

BANGUS BUSINESS - COBALT—After less time than it took for God to create the earth, or so the story goes, young and ambitious local entrepreneur, Amy Singleton is out of business.

“I really thought it was going to take off,” she told Bangus of Just Fiona, her specialty shop operating out of one of the many commercial storefronts in the bustle of downtown Cobalt. From 9–5, Monday through to the mid-part of that Friday morning, Amy waited patiently for the customers to come, thusly ensuring that her dream of being a successful businesswoman would become a reality.

Amy sat on a office chair behind a battered second hand desk listening to her Fiona Apple cd that she had purchased last year for three dollars from a pawn shop in Toronto. “My sister was mugged so I went down to comfort her and while I was there I bought Fiona’s first compact disc and from the first time I played it, she really, truly changed my life. It was somewhat of an epiphany, which I know sounds dramatic but that’s the truth. She changed my life. With the confidence of Shadowboxer and Sleep to Dream her whole cd, for me, is one powerful message to women not only in Cobalt but the rest of the Tri-Towns as well. Maybe even Smoothrock Falls. She (Apple) has empowered me to go back to school and take a business course so I could open my own business. For me, it was all about taking control of my own life and charting my own destiny. I would now make all the decisions that would affect me.”

Amy told Angus that she suspected something was wrong by early Wednesday morning.“I suspected something was wrong by early Wednesday morning, but I guess I was in a state of denial. I was sitting in the store and listening to Fiona Apple. There had yet to be one single customer. Not even the mayor came out to cut the ribbon on Monday morning when I first opened. There was a cake and I was going to give away a door prize. But, I realize now that sitting and listening to a cd that you really enjoy is not as lucrative as one would assume. It takes more than a storefront and a cd player to make a business a business. I mean, not one person came other than this one man who did come in to see if I could do his income tax return for him. I think the storefront I rented was once an H&R Block a few years ago. I did tell him I could do it right away for eight hundred dollars. I know it was a cash-grab but I was desperate. I was even getting sick of that Fiona Apple cd.”

After investing all her savings into Just Fiona, Amy is now facing the sobering statistic that one-in-four new business fail within the first year. As to the number of business that fail within the first week, no statistics were available. “It really does look good on paper,” she still insists, skimming over the half page business plan that she partially completed with the help of an online government web page. But don’t count her out just yet. Says Amy: “Don’t count me out just yet. I just heard the new Best of the Eagles at my friend’s house last night and there was something inspirational in there that has given me a good idea for a business. I just need some start-up funds, an accordion and a hobo.

Bangus Bass Break of the Day

Bangus Foreign Affairs - The World Out There

Bangus Online welcomes our new Foreign Affairs Correspondent, Chris Reese who has graciously offered to work for blue Popsicles. We first met Mr Reese after calling the police reporting that there was a guy doing Tokyo Drifts on a bicycle out front of Bangus HQ. It took thirty cops and six volunteer firemen to take him down.



The World Out There

Where: Europe
What: Economic Crisis!
The European economy is collapsing. People are going on strike. Governments are defaulting on debts and people died on a bank bombing in Greece. Experts say that the economic collapse is due to financial problems. President Sarkozy of France banged his fist on a table and shouted at a meeting.

Where: Asia
What: Sea Serpents
A large sea serpent was found on a beach in Asia. It has red hair and is a long, fish-like kind of eel. Buddhists revere these as 'Nagas'. On a Buddhist website a Naga is shown floating around in space and twisting its head as it floats towards Buddha. The animals are edible and sometimes swim up rivers to eat weeds.

Bangus Book of the Day

Salvation on Sand Mountain - Snake Handling and Redemption in Southern Appalachia

What would it be like to intentionally handle a poisonous serpent? Why would a person do that and would it change them? Dennis Covington answers these questions and many more in recounting his personal journey into a world where snake handling, its ridicule, mortal danger, and ecstasy, is an accepted part of a religious practice—a fundamentalist way of self-transformation in the name of Jesus Christ. A freelance journalist, Covington's interest had been piqued when he read of a preacher arrested for the attempted murder of his wife by making her put her hands in a box filled with poisonous serpents. He headed off to Scottsborough, Alabama, to cover the trial, but soon found himself attending church services with snake-handling preachers and their parishioners.

The Gurdjieff Journal - Fourth Way Perspective

Mail Bag

Hey Bangus—while out poaching ostrich in my neighbour’s field, I managed to tree me three older ladies.They put up a real good chase that lasted about six hours and nine kilometers through dense bush and a huge swamp. I’d catch up to them but they’d hide in tall brush but I managed to tree all three. I just thought you’d like to see the picture. They were nice ladies. A little stringy and wild but with some tenderizer and lots of salt, you could hardly tell it from buffalo.

Your friend in Orangeville,
Darryl Bethune

Ed. Thanks Darryl. The sausages you sent were delicious.

Dear Bangus. Thank you for the tour of the Headquarters for our school trip. I liked it when Mississippi Gary threw up under his desk. He’s funny. I also liked it when Kalifornia Kathy took our class to the little
room with the microwave. Kalifornia Kathy was nice. I liked it when she called Obscure Bob a ‘poopy pants’ and he got mad and put his foot through the door. Where did the toilet seat go in your bathroom? Was Mississippi Gary really joking about shooting pandas? I like pandas. They are cute. Here is a picture of Obscure Bob after the stabbing by Mississippi Gary

Jessica Lando
Grade 3
St Ignatius Elementary School
Port Mistrust, ON

Ed. You kids have, uh, such wonderful imaginations.

Rosie O'Donnell To Replace Megan Fox In 'Transformers 3' - please don't shoot the messenger

No, Virgina, you are not being paranoid!

How many times have you convinced yourself that you're 'just being paranoid'? If you ask yourself this more than fifty times a day chances are that you are not being paranoid, according to the findings of a Grade 6 class project. The study took three days to complete with an unsettling conclusion according to teacher Yolanda DeVilbiss from Bangus County Public School. "Our study shows that you are not paranoid and that we are all in real danger in some indefinable ways. The only way to stay safe is to stand at your window with a gun and just wait for something to happen, that way, while everyone is watching American Idol or Survivor, you will be ready."

Bangus County's ‘Days of Discovery’ festival promises family fun and public flogging

BANGUS COUNTY—This year’s Bangus County's popular Days of Discover festival promises, thrills, music and plenty of fun to last the four–day festival which has grown from a local celebration or arts and local history into something quite unrecognizable. It’s a much anticipated boost for the tiny picturesque village that is situated where the rambling Rexaconta River meets the humble Ottawa River.

“It’s a good thing for all the vendors that come from out of town and for all the local bands that want to play for free. I sold some bottled tap water last year which helped off-set the cost of fixing the toilet after a woman from Sarnia tried to flush six diapers” says one local businessman. “This year, no one is using my bathroom no matter how bad they have to go.”

 Some anticipated highlights of this year’s festival:
• Historical re-enactment of public floggings. For one Loonie, you can flog a man in a bear suit for three minutes.
• Horace the High Wire Horse will walk tight-rope from the Tri-Crosses, across the Ottawa River to Explorers Point. 9 shows daily for three days before he is drawn and quartered and sold off as souvenirs.
• Have your picture taken with the guy (Lonnie) who used to go to high school in Scarborough with Geddy Lee from Rush.
• Performances by music legends Saga, featuring Lonnie, the guy who used to go to high school in Scarborough with Geddy Lee from Rush

Congo Wallace the Magnificent Ape, The Kindle and My Moral Bankruptcy

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!” Colonel George Taylor - American Astronaut of the Icarus

“Blonde haired, good lookin' - tryin' to get me hooked. Want me to marry - settle down - get a home - write a book! Too much monkey business.” Chuck Berry

I’m making some decent headway on “Mog Fist - The Story Behind the Greatest Book Never Written, Ever”. It’s a real hellbroth of run on sentences, but it’s coming along through short bursts of writing binges. My only wish is that people will still be talking about this book long after I go gentle into that good night. I’m not going to do much raging against the dying of the light. I’m putting a lot of blood, sweat, tears and semicolons in this thing.

It’s been 150 years since Charles Darwin’s On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection was first published in London. I know this because CBC Radio told me. I have yet to read it, but I’ve heard good things about it. A few years ago, I did have an autographed copy of a first edition, but I sold it because the autograph turned out to be Charles Dickens. I was bummed. I’m not a huge Dickens fan. But Darwin’s a bit of a rock star. He wrote a book that people are still talking about, still fussing over, cursing, praising and in some instances, banning, openly mocking and holding up as a work of terrible fiction. Ah, people don’t write books like that anymore. Well, maybe they do, but can’t get a decent agent to get them a sweet spot on the Oprah sofa. Oprah is a monster - a terrible, terrible monster. She will not have me on her show and she will never give my book her terrible, terrible stamp of approval even if it turns out to be the Best Book Ever Written, Ever. But, that’s okay, because I’m thinking that Charles Darwin wouldn’t have been asked to appear on her show either. Had Oprah had Darwin on and not me? Well, I’d be pissed.

Bangus Book of the Day

This classic debut novel from William Golding follows a group of English schoolchildren stranded on a deserted island following the crash of their airplane. First published in 1954, Lord of the Flies has dazzled readers for decades. Readers are quickly drawn into the boys' increasingly brutal world as they become divided in a bitter power struggle that exposes the darkest elements of human nature. Masterfully written, this adventure novel imparts valuable lessons about how easily society can slide into barbarism.*

*amazon blurb

Bangus Mail Bag

Dear Bangus Online - Thank you all for your help in the recent cattle drive for VD. In total, we raised over six hundred dollars and collected over nine pounds of donated penicillin which will go a long way in helping stamp out VD globally by 2028.

Elmore Rushton
CEO The Near North VD B Gone Society

Ed. It was a great event. Mississippi Gary had a great time. He got boozed up and scored with a woman from Cobalt. Our motto here at Bangus has always been "if you are not part of the solution, you are just being a dick."

Dear Bangus Online

I read Bangus Online everyday, hoping some good will come from it. It never does. I'm glad I don't have to pay for this.

John K - Ft. Wilmong, ON

Bangus woman in labour races to hospital on riding lawnmower - almost makes it!

BANGUS ONLINE - Weighing 8lbs, baby Wally Filch is cooing and looking around with those shifty baby googly eyes as mom, Wendy, smiles proudly. Just hours earlier with the assistance of a few helpful neighbours and a quick-thinking plumber, Wendy gave birth to baby Wally.

"I knew it [the birth] was going to be any time, but living so close to the hospital I always figured that no matter where I was there would be plenty of time to get there when labour started. So, I was just knitting while watching that terrible oil leak on CNN when WHAM - and I knew it was time."

As Wendy's husband, who runs an unlicensed  backyard abattoir was away on business, it was up to Wendy to take matters into her own hands.

"At first I didn't panic. I had my bag ready for days, so I started looking for my keys and my flip flops. I couldn't find them anywhere. The keys I mean, not the flip flops. I thought of calling 911, but I'm only a few blocks away from the hospital so I figured it would be quicker to just make the drive on the John Deere. I mean that thing can really haul some serious ass when you open her up."

Wendy began the short drive to the hospital when the mower sputtered to a stop. That's when she started to panic.

"The contractions were really painful and I couldn't hardly get off the lawnmower. Then, like a miracle, there's all these people helping me and taking pictures with their phones. Wally was coming out fast. I knew it was happening now. That's when Reg - he's a plumber, took charge, and you know, caught the baby, gave him a quick wipe, handed Walley back to me to go home to get some gas for the mower, filled it up and followed me in his van as I finished the drive to the hospital, steering with one hand and holding beautiful baby Wally in the other. It was quite a day. I was home in less than twelve hours. When I did get home they were still trying to stop the oil on CNN."

BP to use human cork to stem oil leak

Bangus Online - In a shocking and desperate attempt to stem the flow of oil BP has decided to proceed with  a "top kill" to try to stop oil from gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. The procedure will last as long as two days, said BP and involves a really tall man ramming a really small man into the pipe, acting as a cork, allowing BP the time to flee and set up a new offshore drill site on the Dead Sea.

Mail Bag

Dear Bangus Online, I would like to thank you for posting the picture of my wife who I thought had been missing or done run off with my brother. It turns out she wasn’t missing at all. She was in the house all along. It’s just that for the past while I’ve been blind drunk. When I sobered up there she was, reading on the couch.Who says there are no happy endings? Now, if someone could just get all these spiders off of me. Thanks again.

Alphonse Washington, Collingwood

Ed. Glad we could help. Everyone at Bangus is terrified of both spiders and Lionel Richie.

Dear Bangus Online, I’ve written to Maclean’s, Canadian Living, Chatelaine, Hogs & Halibut and Rolling Stone but no one will publish my letters. Bangus Online is my last chance. Please. I only wanted to mention that I lost my virginity in Northern Manitoba. No one seems interested. Maybe it's just not newsworthy I thought about starting a blog to let people know, or maybe some type of Facebook group, but really this was the only thing I've been talking about for the past few weeks, so maybe you can spread the word for me?

Thomas Duels

Ed. Okay - everyone listen up - this is huge. Thomas Duels, a literal nobody from somewhere in Manitoba has evidently lost his virginity. It doesn't sound like he really wants it back, so if you find it somewhere in the oil fields, just throw it in the fridge for safekeeping, or chuck it in a pond or something. 

Repeal the 'Don't Ask Don't Tell'

Today Mississippi Gary, after being confronted over the blatant thievery of office paper shot back "oh yeah? Well, don't ask, don't tell." I explained that this DADT policy is a backward US Defense Policy set up by former US President Bill Clinton, and in no way could be used to justify office theft. He brought back all the paper apologizing for the misuse of the DADT policy but ratted out Bangus Receptionist Marjorie No Last Name for stealing a 80 Gig hard drive. I asked her about this but she only replied "Don't ask. Don't tell". Then she winked at me. My staff is out of hand.

Capes, Cloaks and the Importance of Being a Dandy

“Everything popular is wrong.”

Oscar Wilde – Born October 16, 1854, died December 13, 1901.
Place of birth Dublin, Ireland

Capes have seemingly gone out of fashion. Come to think of it, so have fancy walking sticks with ornate ivory handles. Opium, however, still seems to be quite fashionable in some circles. I mourn daily the fact that flamboyancy in this day and age will either get you pummeled in an alley behind a convenience store, or thrust into the spotlight where you are celebrated one day and in a bad reality show the next.

I like a good cape. I think a cape, and a cloak, if truth be known, are both damn fine fashion accessories. Capes are great. And practical to boot. Not those shiny capes that magically allow superheroes to take flight, but real capes. Those superhero capes are just silly. No, I mean a “quality cape” for those times when you just don’t need a full-length coat, but prancing around in a billowing chemise won’t do either. (Run-on sentence alert!) A few years back before that wicked flood of 2005, when New Orleans was known for killer jazz, jambalaya and overly-marketed voodoo trinkets adorned with pictures of Marie Laveaux, as opposed to mass human suffering, feral dogs, mold, and much-ballyhooed Brad Pitt sightings, I found myself perusing the racks in a boutique on the southern fringe of the French Quarter. It was just across from Jackson Square. Body Hangings. 835 Decatur Street, for anyone interested (www.bodyhangings.com); tell them Kevin sent you and you get your twentieth cape for the same price you paid for your nineteenth cape, up to a limit of sixty-four capes per customer, offer valid May through August 2002. Body Hangings dealt only in capes and cloaks; no voodoo paraphernalia. Outstanding. If you were to go into this place and ask the friendly staff for assistance in purchasing bloomers, or some type of skirt, or perhaps a form-fitting denim jacket, I am quite confident that they will politely but firmly ask you to leave their cape boutique, possibly suggesting a quick in-and-out to the local Wal-Mart. Now, that’s passion for fashion.

Sure, it would be great to wear a cape, but by doing so today, you open the door for ridicule. I have a cape but I’m afraid to wear it. I bought from a guy who lost his passion for capes. His nickname was Olympic Marty. He told me he had purchased the cape quite a long time ago. He referred to this time frame as his “cape phase.” I snapped it up for a few bucks. Heavy fabric with an epic silver button under the neck. It’s a classic Inverness cape/cloak combo with an attached overcape and a detachable hood. Sleeveless. Side Pockets included. The overcape is lined with paisley satin. It’s 100% wool or maybe velveteen? It hangs from my lumpy frame just right. I did actually wear it out. Once. People can be so cruel. I think my problem was that I had nothing to back up this whole flamboyance. I am hopelessly neurotic and quite paranoid for most of the time, but sadly I’m not eccentric, so I can’t prance around with my cape. Yet.

Oscar Wilde personified blissed-out flamboyance. “Art for art’s sake.” Unless your name is actually Art, short for Arthur, to which this adaptation of the French slogan of ''l'art pour l'art'' does not apply. Oscar was decadent. How do I know, you ask? Did I ever meet Oscar Wilde, you ask? Why are you such a pompous ass, you ask? Okay, let me answer these legitimate questions in order. How do I know he was decadent? Well, because he wore a cape. Did I ever meet Oscar Wilde? No. He died broke in 1897 after serving some pretty serious prison time for a number of rather severe social indiscretions, and showing dreadful moral character. A few years earlier, Oscar had been catapulted to literary superstardom with his novel, “The Picture of Dorian Gray” as well as a number of successful stage plays, such as “The Importance of Being Ernest”, while fully living the life of the debauched rogue artist. Then the tables turned on him and he ended up in the clink before slipping into exile in France while bumming spare change and living under the alias of Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo. So, no, I never met Oscar Wilde. Now, why am I such a pompous ass? No. I’m not clever enough to be pompous. Moronic boob? Possibly.

Bangus Book of the Day

Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda is a book by Lieutenant-General Roméo Dallaire of the Canadian Forces, with help from Major Brent Beardsley. It was first published by Random House Canada in September 2003.

The book chronicles the fateful months of Dallaire's tour as Force Commander of the United Nations Assistance Mission for Rwanda (UNAMIR) in 1993-1994, during which he witnessed the 1994 Rwandan Genocide.

This book won the 2003 Shaughnessy Cohen Award for Political Writing, and 2004 Governor General's Award for nonfiction.

Source: Glenda Wikipedia

The Great Book of Meat, the Mahatma Gandhi, Rasputin, and Some Smelly Hippies

Bunny Lebowski: “Uli doesn’t care about anything. He’s a nihilist.”

The Dude: “Ah, that must be quite exhausting.”

“Hey man, can you dig it? It’s time to split this scene for something more happening with my old lady who is a real gas and the coolest, grooviest bird I’ve ever brought to my pad which is a bit of a drag with her crazy threads which are, like, so far out when she hangs loose and get’s real hip. Can you dig it? Far out!” - Sir Dennis Egan-DuBroville, Esq. III - The First Mayor of Cassells & MacIntyre

Hey, by complete accident I came across the official website for the Office of the Prime Minister of Canada - Stephen Harper (long story). Anyway, I was greeted with a truly epic picture of Mr. Harper who looks like a cross between Grigori Rasputin and some type of man-Barbie. Prime Minister Harper kept trying to hypnotize me with his piercing eyes that seemingly burned into my skull. Now, Conservatives, don’t take offense - don’t get all rattled as I am firmly apolitical. This is just an observation from a moron. My apathy is truly legendary, I can assure you. I carry deep within an equal disdain for all things political. I’m just saying that this picture really is kind of freaky. Okay, so off we go...

Random daytime javelin attack keeps city on their toes

Bangus County - Xiang Willow, 36 was struck in the foot by an errant javelin Saturday while shopping for fresh vegetables and cocoa. The javelin tosser remains at large. This is the nineteenth incident involving errant javelins leading both the community and the authorities to suspect that these incidents may be connected.

"These incidents may be connected," says Detective Sgt Arms of the Bangus Constabulary. "I can see fifteen or sixteen of these, but nineteen? This is a serial tosser I'm afraid.

The Squabbling Koreas

BANGUS FOREIGN DESK - North Korea and South Korea are playing dirty. South Korea accuses North Korea of sinking their sub, while North Korea accuses South Korea of intentionally hitting baseballs across the DMZ into their yard. North Korea is demanding the immediate return of their baseballs and the Frisbee that Kim Jong Il  - the de facto leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, confiscated after a northerly wind carried it from a Seoul Frisbee Frisbee tournament, to the roof of Il's gazebo.

Bangus Beatles Bass Break

Bangus Book of the Day

"The Rum Diary is an early novel by American writer Hunter S. Thompson that was written in the early 1960s but was not published until 1998."*

* Wynona Wikipedia

Heat wave leaves Bangus residents crabby

Bangus County, ON - As temperatures soared over the holiday long weekend, so did tempers. Bangus County Police were called to a number of heat-related disturbances. On the 200 block of Elixa Crescent a man was charged with attacking his neighbour with his garden hose after some rather severe taunting. On the 600 block of Angtson, three people were charged with the reckless discharge of firearms after the trio blew gaping holes into a locked ice machine in the lobby of a local video rental business. Six people from Niger Township were charged with trespassing after crashing a pool party. All six - strangers to the occupants - canon balled into the above ground pool lowering the water level dramatically. One of the six intruders was naked at the time and after yelling 'bare back ass crack' landed on one of the invited guests breaking his collar bone. Local weatherman Gilles DeBrow was also attacked by a man with fork and a large salami. DeBrow told Bangus Online that the man, a retired wrestler from Brockton, hit him in the face with the salami, jabbed at him with a fork while cursing him out for the oppressive  heat, which DeBrow states will stay with us over the next three days before a low pressure front from the north will bring flurries by the end of the week

Mail Bag

Dear Bangus Online - I’m a professional hand model but since losing both hands while playing through the mini-putt windmill, the jobs have dried up. My agent, Jonathon Brush, says there’s just no work for a handless hand model with no hands. Do you have any positions open? My typing isn’t what it once was but I have a real positive outlook on things.

(Ed. You had us sold until you mentioned that you had a positive outlook on life. That turned us off. Sorry).

Ole! Owie! Time out!

Bangus resident patches own heart with bicycle tube

Bangus County - To look at Willy Ames you would be forgiven for mistaking him for a man twenty years younger. In actuality, Ames, a backyard mechanic and  long time Rotarian will be soon celebrating his 87th birthday - a day that will take on a poignancy reserved only for those who suffer a near death experience.

Last Monday, as the world tuned in to the season finale of Lost, Willy was struck in the heart after leaning on his pneumatic nail gun. "I knew something wasn't right. The nail, a real big son of a bitch, was sticking out of my chest. Now, I've changed enough tires to know that if I pull the nail out it will be trouble so I got all my tools together to make sure everything was within arms reach, eh. I had my rubber patch and my glue and bone saw and everything, then I pulled out the nail and patched the hole in my heart then drove to the hospital to make sure I did it right."

Doctors attending to Mr Ames were baffled as to just how he was able to remain conscious, open his own chest cavity, extract the nail, stem the bleeding long enough to apply the rubber patch, close up his own chest cavity, tidy up his workshop, take a quick shower, change his clothes, have a small supper consisting of a bacon and tomato sandwich with some cranberry juice before driving himself to the hospital after dropping off some rented DVDs. Medical professionals attribute the miraculous outcome on the tenacity of the backyard mechanic, and his can-do attitude.

His prognosis is good, claims his physician, and further states that "there is no reason why Mr Ames cannot live to be 120 years old thanks to his backyard patch work."

Bangus Fact-Checker Mississippi Gary - the Duke of Prunes - implicated in sting against Duchess of York

BANGUS ONLINE - Britain's Duchess of York, caught on camera apparently offering to sell access to her ex-husband, UK trade envoy Prince Andrew, said Sunday she was sorry for her "serious lapse in judgment." blaming her situation primarily on her soured relationship with Bangus Online Fact-Checker Mississippi Gary.

"He's a right bastard, he is. He calls himself the Duke of Prunes he does which is a bit daff. He bloody schemed this whole thing," she attests. "I knew it was dumb, but I was vulnerable and we both needed cigarettes. I was blinded by love. Love turned me into a Royal chump. This could have actually worked if Mississippi Gary didn't started blabbing to all his friends at the pub that he could pimp out Prince Andrew through me. I knew it was a bad idea. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. That dumb bastard! It's all just turned to rubbish. And do you know who will pay? The children I save everyday. That is the real tragedy here. Do you have a cigarette? This will probably be on You Tube, right? Do you think it will go viral? Who will pay me?"


According to footage on the News of the World newspaper's website, Sarah Ferguson appears to ask for $40,000 in cash and 500,000 pounds ($718,500) by wire transfer, claiming she could introduce the undercover reporter to the prince.

Bono's back is out of whack - we need to get him back on track - the world needs him now more than ever!

A star-studded celebrity concert is set to take place to raise global awareness of the terrible state of U2 singer Bono's crooked back. Among the guests scheduled to perform- Sting, Sir Bob Geldof, Elton John, Axl Rose, The Pope, Larry King, The Duchess of York, Krusty the Clown, and funny man Mister Gary Shandling.

Bangus wishes Bono a speedy recovery as we have a stack of tickets we are counting on scalping the day of the Montreal show.

Dog pulls a furry, bald-faced mystery creature from a stream near a remote Ontario community

May God help us all.