Just Because...

Mom...Glen’s got the Rabies again!

BANGUS ONLINE —“Poor Glen first got the rabies in 1996,” says Glen’s mother, Glenda Peterson from Orillia. “We were camping in Algonquin Park and he was bitten in the face by a bat.”
Treated aggressively with a series of severe injections directly into the abdomen, young Glen was officially declared ‘rabies free’ from the Tijuana Institute of Rabies Clinic held at a local shopping mall.
“We were happy that he was so-called cured but we had our suspicions. I guess it’s like herpes for Glen. He has rabies flare-ups but we’ve just grown accustomed to them.”
Glen’s sister Nancy think’s it not rabies at all. “Glen pretends he’s got the rabies just so he can act like an asshole. He knows mom and dad will let him get away with it because they feel guilty about him really getting rabies when he was a kid. Glen’s got it made. I can’t get away with shit.”

K-TEL’S ‘MINI POPS’ TAKE ON DEATH METAL

BANGUS—Pre-pre-teen sensations, the Mini Pops, have signed on with K-Tel records for the group’s sixth CD tentatively titled Mini-Filth. Known for their disturbingly watered-down renditions of such past hits as the Go’s Go’s Kids of America and funk staple, Car Wash— the Mini Pops have boldly ventured in the death metal genre. Each song has been hand-picked by the Pops themselves.
Already banned in Wal-Mart, the new cd, scheduled to hit retailers by May 2011 is sure to be a hit amongst the tiny tot crowd. It was produced by deathmetal über-producer, Sven ‘The Ghoul’ Andersdotter. The kids were flown to Norway to work with Andersdotter who had just completed production work with Dead Boing on a full cd dance re-mix of their infamous 1996 debut - LET’S BE ALL DEAD TOGETHER AND OTHER SONGS FROM THE GRAVE.
Nick Jones is the teeny lad who does the lion’s share of singing. He’s been groomed as the Mini-Pop hellion. “Working with Sven was one of the greatest joys of my young life. He scared my parents but he’s not as ferocious as they say. I’ve been begging K-Tel to let us stretch our musical muscles a bit. At first they didn’t think death metal would sell but me and the other Mini Pops fronted all the studio time so they couldn’t refuse. This CD (Mini Filth) is more reflective of our generation and our outrage and our pre-pre-teen angst. Morty, the fat kid that sang Oobie Doobie on ‘Mini Pops Volume II’ is back and sober now. He loves to growl and pretend he’s murdering someone. Maureen – the goody-two-shoes wanted us to do a bunch of Harry Belafonte songs about banana boats but she was outvoted, thank God!”
Project selection is an openly democratic process for the Mini Pops.
“We all bring suggestions to the table and see what happens. Ultimately, it’s the executives at K-Tel Records who have the final say.” The coming year will be a frantic one as the Mini Pops embark on their first-ever stadium tour with dates scheduled in Brazil, Japan and naturally, Norway.

FED UP WITH LONG WAITS FOR CT SCANS?

Here at the newly opened Bangus Private Health Clinic & Smoke Shop, we provide quick access to fairly competent medical care at a price everyone can afford! We have a cot, a reconditioned CT scan / photocopier combo (brain scans and colour copies for a loonie) and one in-house Registered Canon Copier Engineer just waiting to take your vitals. We have modeled our private clinic for your convenience so why not enjoy a Pepsi from one of our three vending machines while you wait. Hey, do you like Elvis? We have world famous Elvis impersonator, Wayne Bonham, performing six shows daily. Why not let Angus clear up that unforgivable backlog of cardiac surgeries. You need good healhcare now, goddammit! Not in nine months!

Remember, July is knee replacement month. Book now and recieve a free endoscope (with coupon).

At the Bangus Health Clinic & Smoke Shop, we believe that your health is something worth jeopardizing for money. We have a brand new tool box overflowing with MRI things and plumbers tape. Why not laser prostate removal for the guys and Botox™ for the ladies? Did someone say “Cut-rate vasectomies”? Yeah, we can do that at 10% on-site financing. We can also “pimp your ride” or just stuff a turkey for $19.99. No appointment necessary. BYOB.

Man pummeled at within G20 security zone for wishing upon a star

BANGUS ONLINE - TORONTO - G20 protesters clashing with rows of riot police, a tense standoff and a city on edge. Call the nearly 3,000 people who marched, many angrily, on Toronto's streets on Friday an appetizer. On Friday, the G20 security fence, dubbed "Fortress Toronto" had been closed, yet compromised by Andy Davies who was pummeled publicly and duct taped upside down to the fence as a warning to others thinking of acting out. Davies, a full time corn shucker from Bonfield, Ontario was in the city to take advantage of all the fun to be had at Ontario Place. According to his wife, Ramona, Andy was so happy being in the big city that he felt compelled to wish upon a star for the good times never to end - all in between earth quakes, tornadoes and down pours

"Friday night Andy and I strolled downtown when Andy spotted the first star he saw that night, which may have been a planet, but we had no idea we were doing anything wrong. That's when all the police came and really went to town on him. He's still on the fence and they said that I can come by Monday and pick him up. Maybe they were just using Andy to testing the limits and tactics."

Ramona plans on returning to Ontario Place to try out the paddle boats and maybe do some shopping at the Eaton's Centre until Monday morning.

THE WORLD OUT THERE Late Breaking world news from the Bangus Foreign Affairs desk.

Where: Europe

What: EMPEROR OF SWEDEN DIES IN CAR CRASH

Swedes are mourning the loss of emperor Bjorn in a car crash on the Swedish autobahn. The car careened off a cliff into the Sea of Sweden for unknown reasons. Police suspect a Swedish Erotica tape may have distracted the driver but are unsure as to the details.

Where: Asia

What: NEW CHINESE CALENDAR

Chinese Buddhists have produced a new lunar calendar in keeping with the changing times. The old calendar consisted of twelve animals – tiger, rabbit, dragon, ox, etc. The new calendar will feature animals from western society to reflect the new multicultural china. The new animals are: roadrunner, aardvark, hippopotamus, leprechaun, moose, bigfoot, german shepherds, unicorn, sloth, electric eel, the tooth fairy and Darth Vader

Where: Africa
What: SURPRISING FACT ABOUT THE VUVUZELA

Soccer fans world wide are very familiar with the vuvuzela. Thousands of the large plastic horns blown together create a deafening buzz at world cup games in South Africa. However, Bangus readers may be surprised to learn the Vuvuzela is not blown through the mouth like a conventional horn but rather inserted into the backside.

Where: South America:

What: TRAGIC HISTORY OF PARAGUAN PRESIDENT’S WIVES

The president of Paraguay has had terrible luck in wives. Both his wives died tragically and he is now single. The first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms. The second wife died from a fractured skull. “She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms” was the bereaved president’s reply when asked how this came about.

Where: North America:
What: MEL GIBSON MISSING, FEARED DEAD

Police are interested in any information about the whereabouts of actor Mel Gibson. The Braveheart star was last seen celebrating the victory of his horse, “Yellow” at the Kentucky Derby. The thoroughbred came in 50 to 1 and Gibson won a fortune after putting $1,000,000 on the nose. The actor painted his entire house yellow, including carpets, curtains, furniture and wallpaper. Police fear the worse and have been looking everywhere as the actor may have consumed an entire crate of vodka and contracted yellow jaundice.

Where: Ontario, Canada
What: 5.0 EARTHQUAKE HIS ONTARIO, QUEBEC


A 5.0 earthquake has hit parts of Ontario and Quebec. The earthquake was not dangerous and there were no reports of injury. Thousands of journalists discussed the earthquake for several hours on live news stations throughout the region. Local people interviewed by reporters said the earthquake was not scary and that life had already gotten back to normal by the time the reporters had arrived. Below is a picture of an ordinary Ontario man whose life was not touched in any meaningful way by the quake.

Life is short so just dance dammit!

Bangus Book of the Day

Hunter Thompson goes to Hawaii with illustrator Ralph Steadman. Things go straight to hell.

CANADIAN ICON ANNE MURRAY TO BE DESIGNATED HISTORIC LANDMARK?

BANGUS — She’s as Canadian as blueberry muffins from Tim Hortons, Royal Canadian Air Farce, truck stop pancakes and bad television crime shows shot in Toronto. She’s as Canadian as Sunday night Christmas specials, coniferous trees and mile high snow banks. She’s performed for royalty in some of the most prestigious venues in the world as well as for some of the most powerful people in the world (Ben Hur and Former Prime Minister Joe Clark being two of the more notables). She holds the World record for the most televised Christmas specials and is hot in an asexual kind of down home East coast way, like Ashley McIsaac.

It’s a quintessential late autumn evening in the small town of Nova Scotia. It was sunny in the morning, raining in the afternoon and began snowing and blowing hard in the evening. Canada’s most famous song bird Anne Murray sips lemon tea with her cat curled up on her lap, purring and licking at her own private areas like only cats can do, as well as a select variety of dogs and cockatiels. The fireplace is cracking and popping. On the wall of the recreation room, numerous gold platter discs are framed and mounted in perfect chronological order. They are polished.

“I’ve been blessed to have such a prolific career. I truly am,” Anne tells Bangus Online as she pets the
kitty. The kitty gags up a decent sized fur ball. “But I am saddened.”

What has saddened Anne Murray? Epilepsy? Back taxes? Curvature of the spine? No. None of the above. It seems that her hometown of Nova Scotia has surreptitiously greenlighted a plan to tear down Anne Murray herself to make room for a fancy mobile coffee shop and Anne Murray theme restaurant where the public could gorge on onion rings and unlimited soda pop refills. On Wednesdays, the museum would host Anne Murray lookalike contests. When Anne heard of this, she less than thrilled.

“CTV offered me a spot on a bad reality show where me, Rita MacNeil, Ashley McIsaac and Gordon Lightfoot live in a house. I had my agent turn them down flat. I’m still relevant. I play over 250 shows a year. People, especially in Canada, have this ridiculous tendency to forget about you and your accomplishments,
and the longer you’re able to maintain a career, the more you’re chided. I think it’s terrible. The press is the worst, but when I heard about being torn down I contacted my lawyer. I was outraged to be treated so badly. I notified the head of my American fan club, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who lobbied to have me declared as a National Landmark. Arnold used his mighty power as a Hollywood icon and political powerhouse. Now, the sad thing about this all is that fact that it took an American to have the passion to ensure that I was treated with respect from the country that had been so good to me in the past.”

A Deadly Deathly Death by Jenga™ - Man shot nine times in the face! Police are treating it as an accident!

Bangus Township, ON—Bruce McKinlay Jr. is in Bangus General Hospital where he remains in critical condition after being shot nine times in the face with a 22. calibre rifle. McKinlay, a local agitator, is no stranger to the local constabulary and sources within the Bangus Mountain Cops Detachment confirmed to Bangus Online that McKinlay Jr. has a lengthy record having been arrested in the past for distilling corn liquor, eating fire without the proper permits and shaking down school kids for their lunch money. Last Saturday, police were called when neighbours heard shots fired from the mountains where McKinlay had organized an illicit high-stakes of Jenga™ “the blockbuster of all stacking games. A spokesman from the detachment states that they are treating the unfortunate incident as an accident and called a preemptive end to the press conference.

The Bangus Letters

Hey Bangus. Is it really the end of the world as we know it or is that bald guy from REM just a wacko? Either way, me and my friends had an apocalypse-themed party but the more people drank the more giggly they got so the party didn’t seem very bleak. Anyway, I threw up and went on a vandalism spree in, uh, well, maybe I’ll just skip that part. So, Bangus Online makes me proud to be Canadian and weird and from a small town.
Lucy Lightsup Confederation Township, ON

ED - Yes!

Dear Bangus - what’s with the typos? Me and my buddies sit around when most other people are living constructive lives and we count the typos. Whenever someone finds one, that person has to take a shot of rye. We’ve already lost one guy due to a blown liver. So, who the hell checks for typos? Eh? Ahhhrrrgghcagk. Excuse me, something weird just went down my windpipe. Are you guys still into voodoo?
Lots of love, Curtis H Swisha,PQ

ED - Mississississipppi Gary is the typoo guy. 

Hi Bangus. I bought a “Guns don’t kill people, dolphins kill people” sticker from Bangus, for my car. The animal hospital I was working for told me I had to remove it. They said it was in “poor taste” so I gave them the finger, and drove off. Thank you Bangus. I am now unemployed in the nation’s capital.
Erica (last name withheld)Ottawa, ON