Saturday, August 7, 2010
From the Foreign Affairs Desk of Bangus Correspondent Chris Rees
Where: U.S.A.
What: Almighty God now available in stores
Kids can now get the ultimate in action figures! Almighty God now comes with AK 47 and Holy Shroud to defeat his mortal enemies - namely Satan and Lapsed Christians. The omnipotent being sells for $9.99 and is available in white and blue. Bangus asked customers at Walmart what they think of him and comments ranged from “I thought he’d be taller” to “Get him to do something about this heat”
Where: U.S.A. Cape Cod
Police arrested a man who they believe has a devious sexual fetish for amputees. The man had befriended actress Renee Zellweger and evidence suggests he had been planning to take her snorkeling in the shark-infested waters off Cape Cod, Mass.
Where: Africa
Robert Mugabe has become the latest spokesman for Viagra from Pfizer. The aging dictator realized the little blue pill’s alternative potential after his wife died last year. Since then he says, he has saved hundreds by taking only a 25% dose. “It stops me peeing in my slippers” he said.
Where:Ireland
Paul Hewson, better known as Bono Vox has been immortalized in a giant statue in downtown Dublin. The front man from the Irish rock group U2 is depicted in a 50’ statue saving orphans and poor people in Africa and around the world. “The best thing about it, is that it only cost me a couple thousand” said the singer.
Where: Hollywood
Lilo has been released from Jail and is now participating in rehab said LA county sheriff Craig Whitstone. The “Mean Girls” actress definitely has to get a grip on her drinking problems. She is scheduled to christen a yacht at LA Harbour and organizers are worried that she won’t let go of the bottle.
A Bangus true story of love and rubber boots as told by a sheep.
“… so anway, he comes over to our table real smooth like and he smells like, God, I don’t know how to describe the smell. He says to us, and I’m not making this up, he says, ladies, the Golden Goose is on the loose and never out of season. That was his line, I guess. It was so weird. I guess he actually thought he was something special. He was still wearing his rubber boots. We all laughed in his face. He told us all to go to hell then walked out of the bar and then …
Grandma's still got it at Mattawa's first geriatric Hooters Grand Opening
BANGUS ONLINE - MATTAWA, ON — In a town that is known for industry lay offs and skidooing on the side walks, Mattawa, Ontario, with a population of 2000 is now a buzz of seniors and the curious busing in from all over Canada and parts of the northern US states. Why? Is it for the beautiful scenery? No. It seems that locals and tourists alike are arriving in record numbers to dine at the worlds first Hooters for Seniors, the brainchild of local entrepreneur Karl Montagne, a retired mill worker.
“I was in a Hooters in Toronto and I got to thinking…” And with his life’s savings and a massive line of credit, Hooters For Seniors was born and people are lining up around the block to sample the ample. Every Wednesday it is all you can eat cream corn from four to six for $3.99
Bangus Books of the Day - two books, two icons
BOOK #1
Crime & Punishment
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Originally published during the winter of his discontent, 1866, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment dissects the complex relationship between man and the crime he commits. Translated from Russian, The Modern Library Edition includes a spectacularly entertaining pop-up feature where you can pretend to be the tortured protagonist, Rodya Raskolnikov as he hacks up an old peasant pawnbroker, Alyona Ivanovna and her step-daughter, Lizaveta. It seems that in St. Petersburg, Russia it was tough to make a real good go of things.
Raskolnikov is a brooding student with radical ideas relating to the nature of crime and asserts that the act of murder can be justified in certain circumstances. He hypothetically asks the question of whether or not it is acceptable to commit murder if that single act of violence betters the human condition. Is it justified to kill if the one doing the killing is particularly brilliant and a competent conversationalist? He writes a thesis on it then bottoms out and gets depressed. His melancholic mother, Pulcheria Alexandrovna is this shrilly dramatic creature who sobs constantly. Dounia Avdotya Romanovna, his sister, is willing to sell herself off to a wealthy ignoramus with a receding hairline and control issues. There’s a guy named Razumihin and some other cat named Porifry Petrovich who is a cop and armchair psychiatrist. I got a decent chunk into to before becoming hopelessly obsessed with the pop-up part of the book so consequently I never actually finished it. As all great Russian novels have happy ending, I'm sure things'll work out fine.(See 'Here is the end')
Here is the beginning: On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
Here is the end: But that is the beginning of a new story—the story of the gradual renewal of man, the story of his gradual regeneration, of his passing from one world into another, of his initiation into a new unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story but our present story is ended.
BOOK #2
C'mon Get Happy
David Cassidy
It doesn’t get any more compelling than this tale of love, lust, fame and hair. This thing reads like fiction with the whole fairy tale feel of the Life of David. Fun book full of funny, family-oriented crap:
• He played David Partidge on Partridge Family.
• Became famous, real fast.
• Made guest apperances on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, and Merv Griffin.
•Popularized embroidered overalls, the shag cut and coral necklaces.
• Lots of groupies in green slacks.
•Established a legitimate singinging career selling over 20 million albums but got royally screwed on merchandise.
•He was at one time bigger than McCartney, Elton John but was way skinnier than Elvis.
It’s the age old story but still a thrill-a-minute rollercoaster like The Thorn Birds or The Winds of War.
Here is how this thing begins: Somewhere between the sublime and rediculous is a book called C’mon Get Happy…Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus. And as I, at the tender age of forty-three, have nearly completed this venture, I thought I mightgive you a little insight into my own take on it. I always believed that any celebrity autobiography carries just slightly more significance, in terms of literary contribution, than does goose poop on theeastern shore of Maryland...
Yes folks, he actually said ‘goose poop’ which means that even though Cassidy did fall ass over heels into the debauchery that is the music and television field, he’s keeping the tale pretty sanitized. Poor Dave doesn’t seem the realize that he no longer has to polay it safe for fear of offending hysterical twelve-year-old girls. They’ve all grown now and are probably on antidepressants.
Okay, so here’s how it ends: “So…” somebody asked me the other day with a hint of disapproval in his voice, “when are you going to give up this ‘David Cassidy teenager’ thing?” Huh? “I don’t know,” I told him, surprised by the question. And I grinned. “I’m having too much fun to give it up now.”
Crime & Punishment
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Originally published during the winter of his discontent, 1866, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment dissects the complex relationship between man and the crime he commits. Translated from Russian, The Modern Library Edition includes a spectacularly entertaining pop-up feature where you can pretend to be the tortured protagonist, Rodya Raskolnikov as he hacks up an old peasant pawnbroker, Alyona Ivanovna and her step-daughter, Lizaveta. It seems that in St. Petersburg, Russia it was tough to make a real good go of things.
Raskolnikov is a brooding student with radical ideas relating to the nature of crime and asserts that the act of murder can be justified in certain circumstances. He hypothetically asks the question of whether or not it is acceptable to commit murder if that single act of violence betters the human condition. Is it justified to kill if the one doing the killing is particularly brilliant and a competent conversationalist? He writes a thesis on it then bottoms out and gets depressed. His melancholic mother, Pulcheria Alexandrovna is this shrilly dramatic creature who sobs constantly. Dounia Avdotya Romanovna, his sister, is willing to sell herself off to a wealthy ignoramus with a receding hairline and control issues. There’s a guy named Razumihin and some other cat named Porifry Petrovich who is a cop and armchair psychiatrist. I got a decent chunk into to before becoming hopelessly obsessed with the pop-up part of the book so consequently I never actually finished it. As all great Russian novels have happy ending, I'm sure things'll work out fine.(See 'Here is the end')
Here is the beginning: On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
Here is the end: But that is the beginning of a new story—the story of the gradual renewal of man, the story of his gradual regeneration, of his passing from one world into another, of his initiation into a new unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story but our present story is ended.
BOOK #2
C'mon Get Happy
David Cassidy
• He played David Partidge on Partridge Family.
• Became famous, real fast.
• Made guest apperances on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, and Merv Griffin.
•Popularized embroidered overalls, the shag cut and coral necklaces.
• Lots of groupies in green slacks.
•Established a legitimate singinging career selling over 20 million albums but got royally screwed on merchandise.
•He was at one time bigger than McCartney, Elton John but was way skinnier than Elvis.
It’s the age old story but still a thrill-a-minute rollercoaster like The Thorn Birds or The Winds of War.
Here is how this thing begins: Somewhere between the sublime and rediculous is a book called C’mon Get Happy…Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus. And as I, at the tender age of forty-three, have nearly completed this venture, I thought I mightgive you a little insight into my own take on it. I always believed that any celebrity autobiography carries just slightly more significance, in terms of literary contribution, than does goose poop on theeastern shore of Maryland...
Yes folks, he actually said ‘goose poop’ which means that even though Cassidy did fall ass over heels into the debauchery that is the music and television field, he’s keeping the tale pretty sanitized. Poor Dave doesn’t seem the realize that he no longer has to polay it safe for fear of offending hysterical twelve-year-old girls. They’ve all grown now and are probably on antidepressants.
Okay, so here’s how it ends: “So…” somebody asked me the other day with a hint of disapproval in his voice, “when are you going to give up this ‘David Cassidy teenager’ thing?” Huh? “I don’t know,” I told him, surprised by the question. And I grinned. “I’m having too much fun to give it up now.”
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