Is This Man Responsible for Greece's Economic Survival?

ATHENS - Economists, financial pundits and general ‘know-it-alls’ have been left dumbfounded over the apparent financial turnaround of Greece. In what only can be described as a resounding reversal of misfortune, a soft-spoken bushman from the Kalahari has stepped in to bail out the cash-strapped country.

After learning that Greece had requested an initial 20-billion-euro payment for a bailout on Tuesday, Jonathon ‘Spider’ Murphy, a successful nomadic piano tuner transferred money from his personal savings account into the Bank of the Government of Athens. It will take two business days for the money to show up in the Athens account.

When BB&B asked how he accrued such wealth living off the land, he stated that the majority of his fortune was made in selling his line of personal fitness DVDs.  Murphy says that he is not looking for any press.

“I know what it means to have financial troubles. I like Greece. It has those ruins. Maybe with the money I can provide they can fix them things. I also really like souvlakis.”

Greek newspapers reacted with skepticism to the offer. One paper touted Murphy as the Bushman Billionaire, while others questioned his ability to actually come through with the money or dress sensibly.

Our Tuba Player Has Died. He is Irreplaceable and Must Be Replaced Immediately!

Bangus Records LTD is holding open auditions for a talented tuba session player for the Bangus County Discount Jazz Quartet. Dusty Latrine, the noted northern tuba player has died and the world mourns his loss. Please no questions about this. The investigation is still in its infancy. The successful candidate will own tuba and a reliable mini-van. Email photo of you and your tuba to thegreattubesearch@gmail.com. Serious parties need only reply. We don't want anything to do with oboe players, so you oboe players don't even bother.

Grand Bangus Opening Creates 39 Full Time Jobs

Oxideth Pharmaceutical Trials to Begin

Are you experiencing sudden death more than six times a week? If you answered ‘yes’ than you may be eligible to participate in an exciting new study. Bangus Pharmaceuticals – the people that brought you such innovative medications such as Syphilis B Gone, Trench Mouth No More, and a plethora of anti-vulgarity ointments, is pioneering a new drug to dramatically restore life to those afflicted with sudden death. Oxideth, derived primarily from the glands of yaks, may not be right for you. Phone for your free 30 day trial. Adverse reactions may include sudden death. If you experience sudden death while taking Oxideth speak to your doctor.

Have You Seen Mary?

Bangus County - Help us find Mary Roberts. Family reported her missing yesterday. She was last seen in a bikini and an automatic weapon (pictured rt). If you see Mary, the public is encouraged to approach with extreme caution. Do not try and capture her with a burlap bag or any type of homemade trap. She is not wanted by the authorities for any convenience store holdups, her family just wants her home safe and sound.

And a Queen is Crowned!

Bangus County— The inaugural Miss Google Eyes Pageant was held in plush Palomino Lounge in beautiful downtown Bangus. The brainchild of local optometrist Wayne Chills, the pageant brought out the local celebrities as well as the near sighted, farsighted, colour blind and the curious. Inside, 6 contestants competed in such events as Jenga, darts and drinking beer through a funnel. Outside a small group gathered to protest what they claimed to be the objectification of the visually impaired. Congrats to local driving instructor Sharise Boll.

Man Left Bitter and Charred After Being Torched by Angel

Bangus County — Justin Devau still has the scars to prove it. Horrible, nasty angry scars running down both arms, neck and throat. He’s in a terrible state. The room carries with it the strong scent of a burn remedy passed down to Justin from his great-grandmother. “I can’t believe it’s not butter,” Justin says with just a hint of irony. The house is cluttered with the dozens of goodwill bouquets bought by family, friends and a member of parliament.

“I never figured I’d be torched by an angel. I didn’t actually believe in angels before this. I knew that Josef Mengela was called the Angel of Death but other than that? Shit. I’m not even Catholic, so why an angle would even mess with me is kind of baffling. This angel had a mean streak a mile wide. I can tell you that she sure was no Della Rees.”

Student Swallows Computer Mouse on Drunken Dare

BANGUS—Danny Ray, A Bangus University freshman intentionally swallowed an iMac mouse, according to his roommate and three others who witnessed the incident. The residential supervisor Gavin Peters told Bangus: “It was late. I was sleeping. The dorm was quiet and everything was cool then Brian knocked on my door. Or should I say ‘pounded’. No, ‘pounded is way too harsh. It was just a knock. He had obviously been drinking. He said Danny swallowed a mouse. He was chuckling. I had trouble at first understanding what he was talking about. I thought he meant like a real ‘mouse’ because there’s always mice running all over the place because no one picks up their pizza boxes and garbage. But when I found out that this kid swallowed a computer mouse, I started to panic. I mean, something like that could do all sorts of damage and it was and still is my responsibility to make sure everyone on the 9th floor of the Al Waxman Residence are safe at all times, except when I go home for holidays, then the place can burn to the ground for all I care.”

The student refused all offers from his friends to pile him into the trunk of someone’s Honda Civic to take him to nearby Bangus Memorial Hospital.

“That dude’s got one big throat. Sure, I dared him, but holy shit, we’re always daring people to do crazy stuff. He just swallowed it down with some Moosehead and sat there like if nothing happened,” Brian claims. “I knew that this was definitely the coolest thing I ever saw, and man, I’ve seen a lot of cool things. He didn’t even burp. He just sat on his bed made from his milk crates and began cramming for a math midterm. Sure, he’s smiling now, but just wait till that thing comes out.”

Danny Ray from nearby Redville claims that the whole thing is “no big deal. It’s a gift, I guess.
I’ve swallowed calculators, small globes and a hockey puck.”

Bieber Farts Down Under

“Refreshingly, his flatulence was actually in perfect pitch,” claims host.

THUNDER DOWN UNDER!!

Canadian teen pop phenom Justin Bieber was in Australia yesterday appearing on the Ike & Tony Power Hour Variety Show where he performed a medley of his greatest hits and a soulful and edgy cover of Chuck Berry’s My Dingaling. It was while talking with hosts Ike & Tony back on the couch that Bieber farted. He would go on to fart eleven more times before the hosts, mortified, cut to commercial break.

Bieber’s representative states that her client did not fart. She denies her client ever farting or ever planning on farting until he meets that perfect girl.

Fairy Takes Flight from Wicked Updraft

BANGUS COUNTY -  A nine-year-old with the painted face of a dragon was seen flying over the  downtown core. She is currently resting at home after a harrowing incident over the weekend. Rebecca Saunders was wearing the thin plastic fairy wings she had received for a birthday present when a sudden updraft sent her airborne. She reached heights of about three thousand meters before returning to earth, landing hard on her left ankle. According to Statistics Canada, this is not the first time flimsy fairy wings have been attributed to injuries. In 1986 a nineteen-year-old Mattawa man was carried away only to land a few meters off the coast of the Florida panhandle where he was promptly arrested for illegally entering the United States.

Anything Goes at Local Daycare - Pot, Play Dough, Forgery and Dog Fights

BANGUS COUNTY – The High Times & Silly Rhymes Daycare was raided early this morning after parents approached the local constabulary with their concerns of preschoolers coming home exhibiting overt signs of cannabis intoxication. Officers, headed by the local PPTU (Preschool Pot Technical Unit) made six arrests and confiscated eight tons of high grade British Columbia Mile-High Hydro, with a street value of sixty million dollars (CD).

“I’ve busted up a lot of these dope rings, but this was the biggest one I’ve ever come across. All the kids were giggling and eating cookies. It was horrible,” Sgt. Peppers told Bangus Online. It is also alleged that the children were gambling online (mostly virtual dogfights) and selling forged passports to customers overseas. All tots are safe at home with parents now left scrambling to find alternate childcare arrangements.The daycare has been shut down pending a full investigation.

XXX SPELLING BEE RAISES IRE OF PARENTS - “A VULGAR DISPLAY OF SPELLING!”

BANGUS COUNTY—Regional spelling bee organizers are being blasted for “poor judgment” and are now feeling the full wrath of a group of offended and infuriated parents. What began as a promising exhibition of spelling prowess degenerated into a lewd display of poor judgment and suggestive behaviour, according to witnesses at the first annual regional spelling bee Spell-Off.

Neatly dressed and wide-eyed children between the ages of 9 and 14 waited their turn at the single microphone erected center stage of the town’s single elementary school. Anxious parents and equally bored grandparents jammed the gymnasium. Heavily hyped in the local press and exclusively broadcast by an independent cable television crew, the spell-off was to be the official kick off of the Year of the Colon. After an opening speech by celebrated local playwright, Neil Klein, about the terrible state of spelling, the competition commenced. Such spelling bee staples as hyperventilation, funkalicious and dogmatic were dealt with early on but Darwin’s process of natural selection soon took its toll on the competitors.

It was later in the evening when the choice of words allegedly became suspect. Crapulence, tinkle, cumquat, staphylococci, spelunking, schmegma, execrable, pants and pumpernickel are a sample of the controversial words presented to the children by spelling bee officials, one of whom donned a multicoloured vest. (Note—these words are not in alphabetical order.)

“It was like some kind of (expletive) Red Foxx standup show,” protested Mr. William Mobel, of Mayer Crescent. His son, William Jr. was disqualified in the sixteenth round after misspelling prophylactic.

The parents group, Parents Against Words is demanding a full enquiry into who is ultimately responsible for the perceived debacle. The enquiry is expected to last well into 2012 with a projected cost to local taxpayers of roughly seven million dollars.

(Ed.—Holy shit!)

Bangus County Celebrates Some Type of Anniversary with Bubble Clown

Originally known as ‘Dunkle’, the rural community of Bangus County was first inhabited just a little south of the watershed and in a time zone known to few, and acknowledged by no one, but the Rexaconta Indians who used the Dunkle River as an important transportation corridor for many centuries. European settlement exploded after the discovery of the curing powers of battered seal, and owl oil. But the new voyageurs returned to Britain as quickly as they arrived, many choosing to make the swim across the Atlantic Ocean rather than wait for the three scheduled water taxis run by the Rexaconta. Disillusioned British Colonists and profiteers described the Northern Ontario environment has harsh, sparse, and “kind of like hell on earth,” partly due to the mosquitoes, and black bears eating every third colonist.

After British surveyor and opium addict, Sir Wallace Reeves IV reported back to British Royalty, it was decreed by King Charles I, that, in 1642, Bangus would become a northern penal colony for shifty British Disloyalist criminals. As Britain was teeming with shifty malcontents, they arrived weekly.

In 1843, The Reverend Jim Bangus, sentenced to the King Charles Dunkle Penal Colony and Casino, for dealing in blasphemy and corn liquor, had organized a bloody revolt against the authorities of the colony. After a nine day riot and general unrest, the Town of Dunkle, owned by Britain, washed their hands of the property electing to let the criminals free to do what they want.

Reverend Jim Bangus, self proclaimed prophet, declared the county be renamed Bangus and shot six goats in his own honour.

Today, Bangus has a few bakeries, a portable mill, and thanks to the Dunkle River, hosts the popular upriver canoe race that sees the population double over a weekend in July.

Famous Bangus Residents:

John Tesh
Nancy Spongen
Tiger Woods
Charles “Tex” Watson
Pope Bernadine
Craigslist founder Craig

Office practical joke “over the line” says boss

An office prank ended in paralysis after an employee at Urine Central rigged a door to open and drop a 78 pound anvil onto the receptionist. Although many found the prank amusing, the receptionist did not. Wayde Prong has been let go from his position of office clown and had been charged with six counts of aggravated assault.

Central Urine to Close - 43 People Laid Off and Pissed Off

Central Urine has announced record losses for their 4th quarter blaming the recent economic downturn, and tighter border security for the dip in sales for their human urine. The company who had recently announced plans to build a new factory for their urine admits that there will be layoffs.

“Unfortunately, like many industries here in the North, we’ve had to make some difficult decisions,” says CEO, Robert Huntley.

Central Urine, looking to diversify and redefine their role in the global marketplace, plan on a quick shut down, before reopening under the new business name “The Feces Factory Incorporated.” According to economists, there is plenty of money to be made in shit.

Text-Addicted Teen Loses Twelve Fingers in Twitter Binge

A Bangus teen’s need for speed and questionable grammatical shortcuts has landed him in hospital recovering from an injury sustained after nineteen hours of obsessive Twittering. Shayne “Twitter” Craiges from the lower block of Main Street South suffered severe nerve damage to his right hand and third degree burns on his lower spine when he spontaneously combusted in a Tim Hortons coffee shop. According to witnesses, the victim had been texting furiously then laughing aloud as he read his Twitter posts.

Witness Danny Trotts, who wished to remain anonymous reported: “The kid was sitting there and his fingers were just tapping like crazy. I smelled smoke and the next thing I know, he’s screaming and his hand was on fire. He got up, started running around in a panic, slipped and fell back onto a bag of swords that this one guy had beside his chair. I think that’s how he hurt his spine.”

A spokesman for the Northern Maim Unit has told Bangus that Craiges did lose twelve of his fingers and is being treated for the spinal injury.

Hot Goth Celebrates Sweet 16th Birthday with Spongebob, Wicked Tantrum, and Zoloft

Devine Hath of Bangus County quietly celebrated her sweet 16th birthday with her parents and a few select friends from her drama class. Her mother however, complained of Devine’s sour mood throughout the party. “It took quite a while before Devine would even come out of her room for her cake. She was making ferocious roaring sounds and swearing in Latin. I don't know where she learned that. I know I didn't teach her. She’s just so sullen, even with all the Spongebob plates. I think it’s all the Twilight shit. We had to end the party early after she threw her Kentucky Fried Chicken at her nine-year-old brother James, who jokingly sprinkled her with a bottle of vinegar, claiming it was Holy Water.

Devine states that when she graduates from school, she would like to become a nihilist or possibly a dental hygienist.

Church of Bangus Now Offering Instant Online Redemption and Free Hammers

Hello there. Yes you! Have you been bad? No? You're lying. We know you have been bad. Maybe even worse? Do you strut around with a neck brace for no reason. Not sure if this is a sin? Are you feeling a little guilty? Ever shot a whale in the face and wish you could just start fresh? Turn the page and that whole deal? Well, it’s okay. At The Bangus Unitarianism Church for Misfits, newly paroled Pastor Jeb is back under the frock and is pumped to provide instant absolution to anyone. Confessing has never been easier. Just follow these easy steps:

1. Shout out your confession, like the rank, terrible deviant sinner you. If you got more than six hundred you may have to log out then log back in a few times.

2. After you have bared your soul, lay your sinful hands over our professionally photographed PASTOR JEB to have your penance telepathically sent to you (must have DSL). Pastor Jeb hears all and keeps meticulous notes.

3. Get on with your live.

Best sins will receive a public whipping and a free hammer from Marvellous Wayne’s Sexy Hammer Hut.

Last month's winner: Harold Danes from Fort Pierre.

"It has been twenty six years since my last confession and twenty nine years since my last visit to the dentist. I’ve been collecting my neighbour's mail for him because he’s an invalid. I’ve been throwing out his Hydro bills to see how long it would take for his lights to go out. It got cold one night and he froze. I feel like I'm partly responsible, but since laying hands on your picture, I know that I'm cool with the Big Man."