“He just snapped” claims father
REDBRIDGE, NS—34-year-old Derrik Beck of 88 Sunnydown Blvd, Redbridge was officially charged with aggravated assault and grievous intentions after allegedly picking up his elderly mother and body-slamming her down onto a chesterfield. Beck, according to police reports, had been viewing televised wrestling and became angered over what he perceived to be an injustice done to his idol, Cowbell Karl the Cannibal. Beck became irate at the poor officiating of the match between Cowbell and six midgets. Police were informed by his father, Mr. Jerry-Lee Beck that his son had been watching taped episodes for sixteen consecutive hours.
“The boy sure loves his wrestling. But he’ always been somewhat of an excitable boy. He got up yelling at the TV then went to the fridge to get some Jolt” says Mr. Beck, a disabled kite flyer originally from Rimouski. Beck said his son, Derrik, had consumed 24 cans of the heavily caffeinated soda during the marathon viewing and was now out of his favourite weekend beverage.
“I think that fueled the fire. When he found out that there was no more pop he just snapped. He walked back into the living room where his mother was vacuuming all the chips from the couch and without saying anything or giving the poor old girl any kind of warning, he just picked her up and did one of those damned wrestling moves.”
Mr. Beck claims his son then tore off his shirt and stared chasing the dog around the apartment. “I think he wanted to do one of them fancy wrestling moves on Checkers but the dog was too fast for him. So, while he was doing this I locked myself in the bathroom and called 666. Thank the Lord that he was too busy trying to wrestle the dog or who knows what he would have done to me. I’m not a young buck anymore so the boy probably could have done a lot of damage.”
Mrs. Agnieszka Beck, still convalescing from a serious back sprain explained further just what had happened on that terrible Sunday, which she now refers to as Black Sunday.
“It was all so terrible. I was cooking turkey gravy when Derrik became enraged. I remember that much. Then I was knocked out and Derrik was chasing the dog. That’s when I woke up again and just knew that the gravy was going to bubble over and supper would be ruined. Oh it was terrible. The police broke down the door and came in and shot my poor baby boy in the belly with one of those stun guns and he went down hard. I think it was just a matter of too much pop, too much wrestling, not enough good sleep and not having a steady girlfriend. I don’t think he meant to body slam me. He’s a good boy. He never hurt nobody, except me. And his gym teacher from middle school, but that was a long time ago.”
Beck is out on bail and has returned home to await a court date scheduled for three years from now. He has signed a peace bond which prohibits him from body slamming any immediate family members.
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