Precious memories from a man-child and his deer:

When I was just a young man-child with little concept of the world around me I had a beautiful deer that I raised from a fawn. His name was Tommy Shanks and he loved me and I loved him. We grew up together in a colossal sweatshop on the far side of Trout Lake. We were orphans, see, and we were sold into a forced-labor camp to make leather slippers and maple syrup, but it wasn’t bad as The Fifth Estate would have you believe. At least not for me because I had my best friend, Tommy Shanks, as company. Me and Tommy spent twenty-one years on that labour farm churning out thousands of quality beaded slippers and later, designer handbags. To be honest, I’d be the one doing most of the intricate needle work because Tommy was a deer and struggled sewing with his clumsy hoofs. It was a cool morning in October the last time I saw Tommy Shanks, my friend and confidant. He told me he was tired of the exploitation and was going to make a break for it. He said he was going to try his hand (hoof) at acting. We embraced then he jumped the fence to greet his new life. I sure hope things worked out well for him. I loved that deer.”

Let's talk about Clockwork Orange for a minute - just between friends

I like oranges. I like orange juice, too. Bananas? No. They’re too urban for me. They have this attitude that I don’t care much for. I like oranges. There’s no oranges in this book which is fine with me. Just because someone likes oranges doesn’t mean the topic of oranges would make for an interesting book and it would sell poorly unless it was written by Stephen King or that guy who’s always writing about submarines and espionage.

I remember first reading A Clockwork Orange, first published in 1962 by Anthony Burgess, when I was a kid growing up on the tough streets of the crime-infested industrial town of Kenmore By The Danmore just east of Prince Williams Valley Gorge, BC. Now, I’ve long since lost the book so this whole thing is going down by memory. The protagonist, Alex is a wise-ass psychopathic teenage hooligan (are there any other kind?) He leads a mindless pack of no-goods going from one crime spree to the next, skipping school and everything! There’s some serious debauchery and violence. Alex and his lads beat on bums and commit some pretty
atrocious acts. The language of the book and the Kubric directed movie is Nadstat. Burgess invented it to make the characters seem more psychotic.

According to Burgess, Nadstat is constructed from “old Cockney school boy talk, English, Russian, and bits of Communist subliminal penetration.” Naturally, things get out of hand. Little Alex is sent away for murder. In prison, he is transformed into a model citizen through this controversial Ludivico treatment. He is forcibly restrained and then conditioned to become sick whenever entertaining thoughts or witnessing acts of violence. They make him watch a ‘viddy’ compilation of some ‘nastiness’. But can this state-sponsored psychological rehabilitation program actually work? Can morality and a sense of what is right and wrong be forced down your gullet or guttiwut? Is the ability to choose between good and evil, in fact a human right? Or is it a mere privilege? Oh, and what's up with Mel Gibson? He sound's like a dick.

Here’s how it begins: (this is from memory so I may be off and if I am and you take the effort to notice my mistakes and e-mail them in to Bngus Online,we’ll that’s spooky)

“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, Dim being really Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry...

As I have no idea what the hell I did with my copy,I can’t find out word for word how it ends, but suffice it to say, it’s not good. I think it has something to do with recidivism.

Augustana in Julyana

The Dancing Man from Buffalo, For the Love of the Korn God, and the Lost Keys to the Hippie Bus

I recently met a guy from Buffalo. I didn't go out of my way to meet him nor was it a mysterious case of Providence. I just met him. Briefly - while at a Counting Crows concert - one of only two Canadian dates for their Traveling Circus and Medicine show. When you willingly join a temporary community of a few thousand people in a designated space you are bound by the laws of sociability to interact with someone in some form, yet interaction in general is not something I excel at - especially with strangers. I'm just hardwired that way and am now too set in my ways to try and modify this quirk. Small talk for me is excruciating. I can never come up with anything interesting to say. I just babble. I truly become seriously bent when it comes to talking to strangers - especially when it's strictly enforced. But, there it is, and here we are and there go you and I. So, I met this guy from Buffalo. Recently. So did my wife. He was sitting directly in front of us. He turned, introduced himself and just began talking. I think anyone who has ever gone to see a concert has met this same guy. He wears a concert shirt of the band he's seeing. He's hopelessly drunk and has an attractive girlfriend who looks like she's just trying to placate him by feigning her enthusiasm for his favourite band. Once the band hits the stage, he immediately stands and starts to dance. He 'whoops and hollers' in the section where people are perfectly happy to remain seated, unless prompted by the band to do otherwise. He tries to make small talk with everyone around him, who can't hear anything he's going on about, nor particularly care, but he keeps talking anyway. He phones someone on his cell and holds up the phone to subject the person on the other end to a heavily distorted mess of sonic drivel. I've seen this same guy at the following shows in no particular chronological order: Bob Dylan (times fifteen), Tom Petty, Grateful Dead, Joni Mitchell, Crosby Stills Nash, Neil Young (times three), Steve Earle (times three) , Pink Floyd (times three) , Rolling Stones (times three) , KISS (times four) , Iron Maiden (times two), David Bowie, Alice Cooper, Motorhead, Stompin' Tom, Robert Plant, Mark Knopfler, KoKo Taylor, Eric Clapton, Ronnie Wood, Bo Diddley, David Lee Roth, Spearhead, Blue Rodeo, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and even the Hot Club of Cow Town. It's the same guy being a dick and a total distraction. But, like Dr. Thompson once wrote - when you buy the ticket, you must take the ride.

Bangus Book of the Day

The World Out There - Bangus Foreign Affairs by noted Scorpio Thief Chris Rees

Where: USA

What : HIDEOUS MONSTER TERRORIZES HOLLYWOOD

A hideous monster has been sighted terrorizing the resident of Hollywood, California. The movie-making town has suffered repeated nightly attacks by a deranged monster known to hang innocent lingerie from chandeliers and smash champagne bottles several at a time. The creature is described as blond, spotty and not very talented. Lindsay Lohan’s publicist was unavailable for comment.

Where: CANADA

What: NEWFOUNDLAND ECONOMY GRINDS TO A HALT

Another victim of the “great recession” seems to be the economy of Newfoundland. Residents there are so hopeless of a recovery that many have even stopped collecting their unemployment premiums. “Why should I?” said St. John’s resident Percy Rogers. “The government should pay me to collect it.”

Where: ENGLAND

What: MASTER BURGLAR FINALLY CAUGHT

A master burglar who has been robbing residents nightly in London, England has finally been caught. The police say they had been trying in vain to catch the perp until they realized his secret: he was a midget! The 3’5” thief had not left footprints because his arse was so low it touched the ground. Police finally caught him by dusting for finger prints along the baseboards.

Where: AFRICA

What: ZIMBABWE LEADER PROMISES SOFTER APPROACH

Zimbabwe strongman Robert Mugabe has promised a “kinder, gentler” approach to government in future, he said. He told Bangus Online that starting in September 2010, suspected traitors and rebels will no longer be shot or tortured. There was no mention of an alternative punishment although it has been noted that DVD’s of all three seasons of “Veronica's Closet” had recently been flown to the capital city, Harare.

Where: KOREA

What: CIRCUS DOGS ON STRIKE

Dogs in the circus in Pyongyang, North Korea have ended their 2-day old strike. The dogs had been striking for higher pay and better working conditions. Circus leaders there had refused to budge. The dogs finally gave in after being told that if the strike continued they would be given alternative assignments in the restaurant business.

Woman scores fake lake and jet ski at post-G20 flea market

MYSTERIOUS WEATHER PATTERN HOVERS OVER TORONTO’S DOWNTOWN CORE PUZZLING SOME BUT NOT MANY - Meteorologists admit to being stumped and indifferent!

BANGUS / TORONTO, ON—What local meteorologist are terming the “weirdest looking supercell” ever witnessed, has parked itself over downtown Toronto and refuses to budge.

“It’s become a bit of a tourist thing now, which is a Godsend,” says famous Toronto resident, Prince. The cloud formed shortly after June 15th and has remained hunkered down as if attached to the CN Tower and Sky Dome like a colossal advertisement. People are confused. People are frightened.

“It’s a sign of the approaching apocalypse,” is one notion shared by a squeegee kid, while other’s see the large cloud cover as a divine sign. What people do agree on is the eerie resemblance to Canadian Folkette legend, Joni Mitchell. When contacted by Bangus, representatives declined to comment outright but did state that any resemblance between this supercell cloud formation blanketing Toronto and their client is purely coincidental.

NORTH BAY HIRES 80’S METAL SINGER TO TACKLE NUISANCE BEARS

BANGUS ONLINE / NORTH BAY–In a seemingly desperate lastditch effort to deal with the high number of nuisance bears that has held the Nipissing area captive for the past three summers, Bangus Online has learned that North Bay Council has approved the hiring of Tom Keifer—lead singer of 80’s glam Metal Band “Cinderella”. Keifer, originally from Philadelphia PA, who has penned such notable metal anthems as ‘Push, Push, Push’ and ‘Nobody’s Fool’ is known for his loose morals, pasty complexion, love of flowing satin shirts and brash vocal stylings but the city is banking on the notion that through his masterful metal baladeering, Keifer, now living in a shelter in North Hollywood, will be able to lure all bears to an open field where they will be sedated, ridiculed for a short time, poked with large sticks then eventually crated up and relocated to Kirkland Lake or possibly Swisha, Quebec.

A sweaty looking spokesman for the city, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have been the one to have come up with the idea after viewing the children’s video ‘Pied Piper’ and then footage from the Moscow Music Peace Festival held August 12th 1989 where Cinderella performed a tight bluesy set sandwiched between Skid Row and Bon Jovi. “I was sitting in my mom’s basement watching some old videos and drinking quite heavily. I mean, I was really liquored-up. Then, after Pied Piper I found the Moscow Music Peace Festival tape under a stack of Whose The Boss? episodes. The mother, uh Mona, was hot. I never knew why Tony didn’t chase her instead of that prude. Mona was the wild one. Oh yeah, okay, so I remember taping the Peace Festival from MTV. Right away I noticed the awesome power Tom Keifer had over the audience and there was at least eight million people there and I figured, hey, maybe he can do something with our bear problem, you know? He had everyone eating from the palm of his hand. It was really something to see. The only other performer, I think, to have the same kind of power was Gino Vanelli or maybe Cory Hart. But this Keifer guy? Unbelievable.”

Keifer originally asked for 2.6 hundred dollars for a three month contract, plus travel and living expenses.
After eleventh-hour negotiations, his agent, Smelly Theo accepted on Mr. Keifer’s behalf but for the reduced negotiated fee of 1.3 hundred dollars plus a voucher for a spaghetti dinner at a local place of worship upon completion of contact.

During a phone call, Bangus asked Smelly Theo, whether Mr Keifer has had any experience with black
bears. He responded by humming a few bars of ‘Gypsy Road’. After further prodding, Mr. Theo did admit that his client has “little to no” experience dealing with bears and can barely bathe himself, but he is confident that this scheme is so crazy it “just might work.” Looking for confirmation, Bangus contacted fellow councilman Donald Kruthers, who wished to remain anonymous to confirm the rock & roll black bear deal.

“Yeah. It was either this Keifer fella or Leonard Cohen,” stated Kruthers. “It is my understanding that Mr.
Cohen wanted three hundred cartons of cigarettes and nine quartz of red wine. So, I guess North Bay is
lucky to have gotten Mr. Keifer at such a savings which of course we can pass on the the taxpayers in some
intangible and ambiguous way that could not hold up under any scrutiny."

Asked if he is familiar with the vocal stylings of Mr. Keifer, Kruthers stated: “I’m more of an BTO guy. TCB? C’mon, man. Now, that’s real rock! And don’t get me going on Davey Jones.”

Smelly Theo assured North Bay that they have made a sound decision in the hiring of his client. He admits to not knowing where North Bay is but states that he knew a treeplanter from Kelowna, BC and figured that it was probably not far from there. Keifer will be packaged up in the large cardboard box that he has been living in since 1997 and will be layered in bubble wrap that Smelly Theo collected from the alley in
Hollywood. He will be sent via Express Post.

“I’ll have him there by nine a.m. Wednesday, August 21st Guaranteed! Then he’ll sing his ass off and take care of them bears for good.”

THE PAINFUL TRUTH ABOUT CLINICAL BOVINE DEPRESSION

BY TONY WELSH  -  BANGUS ONLINE

Colloquially termed by psycho-social veterinarians as ‘SAD’ cow disease, Clinical Bovine Depression is slowly emerging from the dark shadows of the back pastures and rock piles of farms across Canada and the US. Recent studies indicate that Clinical Bovine Depression (CBD) accounts for the skyrocketing number of cows leaving the security of the farm for a life on the cold and unforgiving streets of major urban centers. On a freezing night in Edmonton, Sheila St. Claire bundles up and pulls her toque down tight. From a makeshift table erected in front of a long-since-closed adult cinema, St. Claire, a certified bovine outreach worker dishes out generous portions of steaming, pre-chewed cud-gruel to a distressed looking heifer. Sheila waves at a cow she hasn’t seen in days. “They’re leaving behind a life of despair, confusion and sadness. They’re running from themselves. But they carry their burdens with them and now what’s happening is that the major downtown centers are being overrun with cows afflicted with CBD. This is why it’s so hard to for anyone to get into the shelters on any given night—they’re full of SAD cows. Plus you can’t get many of them in a single shelter. Another complicating factor is that aside from Mary and Joseph of Nazareth, there aren’t many people who want to share their space with any kind of animal, let alone maladjusted, clinically depressed cattle. They’re just too unpredictable and make for poor conversationalists.”

The World Out There from the Tangled Mind of Bangus' Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent

WHERE: GRANDE RONDE OREGONGrande Ronde Oregon

WHAT: DEATH AND $2.99 PRIME RIB

A 67 year old man died of a heart attack while playing slots at the Spirit Mountain casino. While his body lay right there on the floor of the casino the other customers continued to play the slot machines. 65 year old gambler Tina May said: “I couldn’t come to help him as I was feeling lucky that night.” Spirit Mountain Casino is open 24/7 and offers free sandwiches as well as coffee to visitors. Come join the fun at Oregon’s best Casino!

WHERE: GLENDALE CALIFORNIA

WHAT: MICHAEL JACKSON COMEBACK

Undertakers at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California say they believe Michael Jackson will be making a comeback this year. Judging by the late superstars’ burial about one year ago, experts believe the singer has about three feet to go.

WHERE: BEIJING, CHINA

WHAT: BULL IN CHINA SHOP SPARKS UPROAR

A bull in Fong’s china shop located in Beijing, China sparked an uproar when he suggested that Mao Zedong was a stupid arse. Customers at the shop were shocked and a spirited argument ensued resulting in a tranquilizer dart from police to bring the argumentative bull down. This is the second time Fong’s shop has seen an altercation. Yesterday over 50,000 in damages were racked up by a Greek wedding party.

WHERE: AFGHANISTAN

WHAT: TO GET NEW SEWER SYSTEM

War-torn Afghanistan is expected to get a new sewer system sometime in the next 12 months. The existing system, stretching from downtown Kabul to downtown Kabul is in bad need of repair and local residents had been complaining about the stench.

WHO:WAYNE ROONEY

WHAT: VOTED UGLIEST FOOTBALLER

England soccer star Wayne Rooney was voted the ugliest soccer player of the South Africa world cup. The trophy will go alongside his 2006 trophy for worst drunk and his 2007 award for smelliest armpits. Rooney has yet to clinch the award for wife-beating but says he will get in better shape for the 2010-2011 season.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH! WIDER! STOP RESISTING!

“Do you have crack cocaine in your mouth, sir?”

“Uh, no.”

“Please open your mouth.”

“Okay.”

“Wider.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I can't really open up any wider.”

“Stick your tongue out.”

“Ahhh.”

“Wider.”

“What?”

“I said stop resisting!”

“Huh?”

“Open up your mouth!”

“I am!”

“Wider!! Quit resisting.”

“I'm not.”

“I will ask you one more time: Do you have crack cocaine in your mouth?”

“No.”

“Open your mouth?”

“Okay.”

“Open wider!”

“I can't unless you want me to dislocate my jaw.”

“Stop resisting. Open your mouth.”

“Ahhhhh.”

“Okay, that's fine. Have a nice day sir and please replace that license plate bulb as soon as you can.”

“TOILETS HAVE BROUGHT US NOTHING BUT GRIEF! NORTH BAY IS SLAVE TO THE THRONE.” — RALPH PALMER

BY BRIAN DECKER
Bangus Online Magazine
NORTH BAY— Ralph Emerson Palmer is on a mission. He would like to see all indoor plumbing banned through a municipal bylaw proposal that he presented to council last Wednesday. Scrawled out on a roll of two-ply toilet paper, Mr. Palmer claimed that the “sacred scroll” was a collection of six names that would like to see indoor plumbing banned. Palmer told council that he has ‘irrefutable’ proof that the rampant use of “fancy toilets” has contributed directly to the perceived regression of society into a pack of ‘uncivilized philistines.’ He has demanded that council take quick and deliberate steps.

After being escorted out of the building by security, Mr. Palmer spoke briefly with Bangus, reading from his parchment. “Since the advent of the indoor toilet we’ve become a crazed race of capitalistic profiteers and war mongers. The outhouse was once a place of meeting and community. We met and exchanged philosophies and ideas. We shared copies of The Farmers Almanac and Readers Digest. Now? Indoor toilets seem to be everywhere and people don’t seem to be communicating as much.”

During a subsequent interview, Mr. Palmer spat out a two hour rant of incoherent philosophizing at his tiny apartment on First Avenue. The residence was cramped but well kept. A bird chirped from a small brass cage hanging by the single window. Over coffee, Palmer pined over the simpler times when he was a boy living out in Papineau Township helping run the family farm and reading Sartre in the outhouse.“Today it’s all this Internet and cashless society bunk and people being beat up with sticks. We must scourge North Bay of the root of all this evil—the indoor toilet.”

As an alternative he suggested a communal pit where shuttles would be provided free of charge by the city. We broke bread together. I had the meat loaf and some strong coffee then it happened, as it usually does with me and meat loaf. He smiled as I rubbed my stomach. He pointed towards the bathroom down the hall. The toilet’s lid was firmly wrapped shut with thick layers of heavy gauge duct tape. I could hear him laughing from the kitchen.

“You too have become a slave to indoor plumbing. The outhouse is in the back yard. The outhouse
was once a place of meeting and community.”

Behind a tin machine a crippled looking wooden structure canted precariously like the Tower of Pisa but smaller and with only a well-behaved cluster of tourists from Billings. Carved into the door was a tiny crescent moon. Inside on a string, a jaundiced, heavily thumbed copy of the Farmers Almanac from 1947 hung from the wall. Nebraska had a wet summer. Later, back in the kitchen, Mr. Palmer was optimistic about what has become somewhat as a divine mission. “This is now my divine mission. I have faith in North Bay and council and I think when they realize the dangers in the insidious proliferation of indoor plumbing in our city, they will be forced to act.”

Hey Renaldo, who tooted? Pass me my saxamaphone! I want to play a song for Canada

"Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you. You've got to learn your instrument. Then, you practice, practice, practice. And then, when you finally get up there on the bandstand, forget all that and just wail." - Charlie Parker


Okay. It's Canada's birthday. Happy birthday, big guy! The birth of a Nation and so forth. Politicians love to toast this birthday. It makes for predictable sound bytes on the news and easy photo-ops. Easily produced pieces of Canadiana pap. Hot dogs, poutine and free pony rides, and if you are fortunate enough to be employed, Canada's birthday means a day off with pay for many workers. Now, as a country with a history that only dates back less than 200 years, you could say that we are celebrating the birth of a country that is still in its infancy. If Canada were a homo-erectus, the country would still be wearing diapers and drooling and making very little sense, in linguistic terms anyway. Babbling and such. Not very tolerant of others and somewhat unreasonable. But lets not forget that the Natives were here long before Canada would call itself a proper country. Chippewa. Algonquin. The Hurons. The Plains Indians (and more, I just forget the rest). As far as Europeans however, it was the lovable Vikings who came here first. The French and the Brits did manage to make their way across the Atlantic. It was a Wednesday, shortly after lunch. If the Natives had known they were coming, I'm sure they would have baked a cake. As it turns out, everyone who did come brought guns, axes and the odd virus, ready to take some serious surveying measurements. The rest, as they say is Canadian history. Happy birthday Canada. I was going to bake you a cake but got caught up with FIFA World Cup.

PS - CANFACT #1: A little know fact about Canada is that it was originally referred to as 'Cet Endroit est l'Enfer sur la Terre' or roughly translated: 'That Place is Hell on Earth' by the French who ended up organizing a contest to help name this newly trampled land. Some names that didn't win: Glendale, Ontario Place, Timmy's, Sierra de Trixie and GSTPSTHSTVille.

Okay, let's begin, shall we. Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky. Back in high school during the early eighties, while a gangly teen with poker straight hair and truly volcanic zits I reluctantly learned how to play the saxophone, or as Homer Simpson refers to it - the "saxamaphone". I would have rather learned how to blow that sweet, sweet tuba just because it looks like it could be used to crush someone, but like every high school music class, the tuba was reserved for the smallest kid for whatever reason. I chose the saxamaphone because I had to choose something. The electric guitar was taken, so was the Fender Precision bass, and the holy grail of high school instruments, the drums. Even the triangle was taken. Literally. Someone took it, bent the hell out of it before throwing it off the bridge into the Mattawa River. This was the year before I would walk the hallowed halls of F.J. McElligott in beautiful downtown Mattawa - or 'the places where the rivers meet'. Canada was a few years younger then.

I hated that damned sax. I hated blowing into it. I hated the colour. I hated the taste of a soggy reed, and the hideous, murderous squawks I spat out of it. I hated the contorted faces and painful grimaces I was forced to make. It's hard to look cool when your face is the hue of a baboon's mocking shiny red ass. I hated the way I had to sit to accommodate the thing - up straight in a red plastic chair with the thing dangling between my legs. You can't slouch playing the saxamaphone. It was just a dismal relationship. Now, this was of course, before I discovered beatnik fifties jazz, and how extraordinary the sax can be in the mouth of a seasoned heroin addict. But at the tender age of fourteen? No. I could not relate to the thing. Jimi Hendrix didn't play sax which worked out well for Jimi as it would have been hard to set a sax on fire like he did at Monterey. The sax was brass of course, and man, brass for me, was not cool in the eighties. David Bowie - the Alladin Sane himself, played sax but he never looked cool tooting it in his high-waisted pastel suits. The Lizard King, Jim Morrison was about sex, not sax. Jimmy Page never played sax, nor did Johnny Cash. Bob Dylan blew harp, singing long convoluted songs about Isis and ghosts of electricity howling through the bones of some woman's face. I could go on and on. But that's enough about the saxamaphone, so let's move on to horns in general as the horn is a hot topic these days.

Up until last week, I always thought the word 'vuvuzela' was some type of venereal disease (i.e, "Stay away from Mississippi Gary, he's back from Malaysia with a bad case of the hoo-doo voo-doo vuvuzela"). But no. It's not a disease, although many do see the vuvuzela as a scourge. The vuvuzela has been causing a bit of a controversy at this year's FIFA World Cup. This is the only sport I commit any time to due to the violent undercurrents of the sport. Where else can a coach simply 'disappear' after a losing match, or a blown call by a referee resulting in his exile? Now that's a true sport. The first televised game I watched was between Germany and I don't remember. Football riots are outstanding. Televised hooliganism has drawn a lot of attention to the simple act of kicking a ball around a massive field.

So, after shoving the two schnauzers off the couch, propping up my feet, and getting comfortably slouched deep into my ass-groove, I settled into what I had hoped to be a nice, relaxing, low-scoring match. But listening in all I could hear was this atonal buzz. What the hell? I checked the audio settings on the stereo but couldn't isolate the buzz. I tried another CBC affiliate. Still there. Shit. ESPN. Still there. It sounded like a billion unseen bees just waiting off-camera to swarm in on the massive crowd of spectators. The bees never did come. Too bad. That would have made for great television as well.

THE WORLD OUT THERE - From the Foreign Affairs Mobile Outhouse

WHERE: NORTH AMERICA

WHAT: LARGE PROTEST IN TORONTO

World leaders met in Toronto for the G20 conference amid large protests and a huge police presence. Over 900 people were arrested by police after smashing windows and setting fire to police cars. A huge contingent of anarchist swarmed around the city wreaking havoc. More peaceful protesters displayed their outrage by carrying signs and chanting slogans. Most of the complaints related to Angel Merkel’s appearance in the G20 bikini contest.

WHERE: AFRICA

WHAT: WORLD CUP: "IT’S OFFICIAL TOP TEAMS SUCK!"

FIFA, the international soccer authority released a statement today on the quality of the top teams in the match. The statement reads: “The following teams suck: England, Brazil, Argentina and France.” Canada doesn’t suck as it failed to make the tournament.

 

WHERE: U.K.

WHAT: PUPPY DIES IN TRAGIC MISUNDERSTANDING.

A puppy was killed in the UK after a tragic misunderstanding. A young boy had asked his father what happens when his puppy dies. His father is reported to have replied that the puppy would be buried in a box in the garden and the boy and his friends could then all come by and have some ice cream and sing songs to remember the dog. The police said the puppy died approximately 30 minutes later.

WHERE: JAPAN

WHAT: MAN CONTRACTS HERPES FROM ARTIFICIAL LOVE DOLL

A Japanese man contracted herpes from Japan Love Doll Inc. The company apologized and said the doll had been made too realistic and future models would be adjusted.

I'm busy for the time being. Enjoy some funk

Just Because...

Mom...Glen’s got the Rabies again!

BANGUS ONLINE —“Poor Glen first got the rabies in 1996,” says Glen’s mother, Glenda Peterson from Orillia. “We were camping in Algonquin Park and he was bitten in the face by a bat.”
Treated aggressively with a series of severe injections directly into the abdomen, young Glen was officially declared ‘rabies free’ from the Tijuana Institute of Rabies Clinic held at a local shopping mall.
“We were happy that he was so-called cured but we had our suspicions. I guess it’s like herpes for Glen. He has rabies flare-ups but we’ve just grown accustomed to them.”
Glen’s sister Nancy think’s it not rabies at all. “Glen pretends he’s got the rabies just so he can act like an asshole. He knows mom and dad will let him get away with it because they feel guilty about him really getting rabies when he was a kid. Glen’s got it made. I can’t get away with shit.”

K-TEL’S ‘MINI POPS’ TAKE ON DEATH METAL

BANGUS—Pre-pre-teen sensations, the Mini Pops, have signed on with K-Tel records for the group’s sixth CD tentatively titled Mini-Filth. Known for their disturbingly watered-down renditions of such past hits as the Go’s Go’s Kids of America and funk staple, Car Wash— the Mini Pops have boldly ventured in the death metal genre. Each song has been hand-picked by the Pops themselves.
Already banned in Wal-Mart, the new cd, scheduled to hit retailers by May 2011 is sure to be a hit amongst the tiny tot crowd. It was produced by deathmetal über-producer, Sven ‘The Ghoul’ Andersdotter. The kids were flown to Norway to work with Andersdotter who had just completed production work with Dead Boing on a full cd dance re-mix of their infamous 1996 debut - LET’S BE ALL DEAD TOGETHER AND OTHER SONGS FROM THE GRAVE.
Nick Jones is the teeny lad who does the lion’s share of singing. He’s been groomed as the Mini-Pop hellion. “Working with Sven was one of the greatest joys of my young life. He scared my parents but he’s not as ferocious as they say. I’ve been begging K-Tel to let us stretch our musical muscles a bit. At first they didn’t think death metal would sell but me and the other Mini Pops fronted all the studio time so they couldn’t refuse. This CD (Mini Filth) is more reflective of our generation and our outrage and our pre-pre-teen angst. Morty, the fat kid that sang Oobie Doobie on ‘Mini Pops Volume II’ is back and sober now. He loves to growl and pretend he’s murdering someone. Maureen – the goody-two-shoes wanted us to do a bunch of Harry Belafonte songs about banana boats but she was outvoted, thank God!”
Project selection is an openly democratic process for the Mini Pops.
“We all bring suggestions to the table and see what happens. Ultimately, it’s the executives at K-Tel Records who have the final say.” The coming year will be a frantic one as the Mini Pops embark on their first-ever stadium tour with dates scheduled in Brazil, Japan and naturally, Norway.

FED UP WITH LONG WAITS FOR CT SCANS?

Here at the newly opened Bangus Private Health Clinic & Smoke Shop, we provide quick access to fairly competent medical care at a price everyone can afford! We have a cot, a reconditioned CT scan / photocopier combo (brain scans and colour copies for a loonie) and one in-house Registered Canon Copier Engineer just waiting to take your vitals. We have modeled our private clinic for your convenience so why not enjoy a Pepsi from one of our three vending machines while you wait. Hey, do you like Elvis? We have world famous Elvis impersonator, Wayne Bonham, performing six shows daily. Why not let Angus clear up that unforgivable backlog of cardiac surgeries. You need good healhcare now, goddammit! Not in nine months!

Remember, July is knee replacement month. Book now and recieve a free endoscope (with coupon).

At the Bangus Health Clinic & Smoke Shop, we believe that your health is something worth jeopardizing for money. We have a brand new tool box overflowing with MRI things and plumbers tape. Why not laser prostate removal for the guys and Botox™ for the ladies? Did someone say “Cut-rate vasectomies”? Yeah, we can do that at 10% on-site financing. We can also “pimp your ride” or just stuff a turkey for $19.99. No appointment necessary. BYOB.