Where: USA
What : HIDEOUS MONSTER TERRORIZES HOLLYWOOD
A hideous monster has been sighted terrorizing the resident of Hollywood, California. The movie-making town has suffered repeated nightly attacks by a deranged monster known to hang innocent lingerie from chandeliers and smash champagne bottles several at a time. The creature is described as blond, spotty and not very talented. Lindsay Lohan’s publicist was unavailable for comment.
Where: CANADA
What: NEWFOUNDLAND ECONOMY GRINDS TO A HALT
Another victim of the “great recession” seems to be the economy of Newfoundland. Residents there are so hopeless of a recovery that many have even stopped collecting their unemployment premiums. “Why should I?” said St. John’s resident Percy Rogers. “The government should pay me to collect it.”
Where: ENGLAND
What: MASTER BURGLAR FINALLY CAUGHT
A master burglar who has been robbing residents nightly in London, England has finally been caught. The police say they had been trying in vain to catch the perp until they realized his secret: he was a midget! The 3’5” thief had not left footprints because his arse was so low it touched the ground. Police finally caught him by dusting for finger prints along the baseboards.
Where: AFRICA
What: ZIMBABWE LEADER PROMISES SOFTER APPROACH
Zimbabwe strongman Robert Mugabe has promised a “kinder, gentler” approach to government in future, he said. He told Bangus Online that starting in September 2010, suspected traitors and rebels will no longer be shot or tortured. There was no mention of an alternative punishment although it has been noted that DVD’s of all three seasons of “Veronica's Closet” had recently been flown to the capital city, Harare.
Where: KOREA
What: CIRCUS DOGS ON STRIKE
Dogs in the circus in Pyongyang, North Korea have ended their 2-day old strike. The dogs had been striking for higher pay and better working conditions. Circus leaders there had refused to budge. The dogs finally gave in after being told that if the strike continued they would be given alternative assignments in the restaurant business.
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