BY TONY WELSH - BANGUS ONLINE
Colloquially termed by psycho-social veterinarians as ‘SAD’ cow disease, Clinical Bovine Depression is slowly emerging from the dark shadows of the back pastures and rock piles of farms across Canada and the US. Recent studies indicate that Clinical Bovine Depression (CBD) accounts for the skyrocketing number of cows leaving the security of the farm for a life on the cold and unforgiving streets of major urban centers. On a freezing night in Edmonton, Sheila St. Claire bundles up and pulls her toque down tight. From a makeshift table erected in front of a long-since-closed adult cinema, St. Claire, a certified bovine outreach worker dishes out generous portions of steaming, pre-chewed cud-gruel to a distressed looking heifer. Sheila waves at a cow she hasn’t seen in days. “They’re leaving behind a life of despair, confusion and sadness. They’re running from themselves. But they carry their burdens with them and now what’s happening is that the major downtown centers are being overrun with cows afflicted with CBD. This is why it’s so hard to for anyone to get into the shelters on any given night—they’re full of SAD cows. Plus you can’t get many of them in a single shelter. Another complicating factor is that aside from Mary and Joseph of Nazareth, there aren’t many people who want to share their space with any kind of animal, let alone maladjusted, clinically depressed cattle. They’re just too unpredictable and make for poor conversationalists.”
Says one cow who spoke to Angus on the condition of anonymity: “There is the shame of not knowing what’s wrong with you.” The stigma of mental illness still hangs low and heavy. “When I’m at home, I know I have much to be grateful for. My farmer treats me decent and allows me to crap wherever I want without judgment or retribution, but there’s something missing. I have no job satisfaction and most of the time I just feel alone. Nothing seems to make me happy. Casual sex is just a distraction— a fleeting kind of thing. I’m always looking for something a little more substantial and meaningful but when it comes time for commitment I get scared and flee. Then I get more depressed and end up going from one meaningless diversion to another. It seems like happiness is this elusive concept with no roots in reality whatsoever. Back home in Papineau Township, there were days when I couldn’t even get out of the barn. It just all seemed so futile and hopeless. It’s a daily struggle. I’ve thought of becoming a minimalist, a Catholic, Hindu, a Scientologist, anything that would give meaning to my life. Instead I just find myself smoking too much weed, drinking early in the morning and not eating healthy.”
A study by the Canadian Association of Unemployable Part-Time Veterinarians (CAUPTV), indicates that nearly twenty thousand cattle have been treated unsuccessfully with a wide array of bovine antidepressants.
The results have varied from intense psychotic episodes to dismal milk production. There have been a small number of cases where cattle have turned to violence against their own farmers, kicking out and becoming unreasonable.
According to CAUPTV, there is compelling scientific evidence to suggest that CBD can be passed down from cow to calf. One case documents a Jersey teaching her impressionable calf that life is nothing like a box of chocolates but more a “big pile of cow shit”.
Experts say CBD is difficult to diagnose until the illness has manifested itself to such an extreme that it is usually just easier to sell off the bummed-out cow or butcher it. But is this really the answer? “Yes!” says one farmer. “I have little patience with a cow that’s not happy. Hell, I have to work my ass off for next to nothing just to pay the interest on my bank loans. I'm about to lose everything. I’m goddamned stressed and depressed and no one seems to give it a second thought so when it comes to a cow who can’t see the sun for the trees? No. I have little sympathy. I’m always just one step away from losing the farm and I don’t even own the combine harvester that I’ve had for nine years. If anyone should be crying the blues, it should be me.”
But what about the meat? Is it safe for consumers? What is being done to determine the long term effects of these bovine pharmaceuticals on cows, specifically to the cattle industry in Canada? Nothing, says the CAUPTV. “We’re all quite busy trying to find full time work either at Sears or Toronto Metro Zoo.”
The Canadian Food, Air Rifle and Drug Association insist that CBD beef is safe to eat, but one suspicious insider is not sure, claiming that everyone from the CFDA are vegetarians. In the meantime, depressed, homeless cattle are congregating in Toronto, Vancouver, Bangus County, North Bay and Calgary, living on donations of spare change and free cud. A celebrity decathlon hosted by Alan Thicke and former Entertainment Tonight co-host, John Tesh, will be held in Massey to help raise awareness and fund-raise for CBD, July 14th starting at 8 pm. Live music provided by Tales From Lily Jazz Quartet and thirteen ex-members of Lighthouse. Hamburgers for $2. Blade steak sandwiches $3. Pulled beef on a bun $2.25
SYMPTOMS OF CBD:
• A terminally sad, anxious or “empty” mood.
• Sleeping too little or sleeping too much or sleeping somewhere between too little and too much and at times just a smidgen over not enough or “it’s a fitful sleep.”
• Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed but now, not so much like high-board diving or prank phone calls to pigs.
• Restlessness or irritability, giddiness or euphoria.
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment ( headaches, chronic pain, esophageal
reflux, constipation and / or other digestive disorders.)
• Fatigue or loss of energy.
• Overwhelming feelings of guilt, hopelessness and poor self-image.
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