BANGUS ONLINE - NORTH BAY, ON– “I went out last night to Galaxy and I had a blast,” claims North Bay native, Avery Wilks. January 2010 began poorly for Wilks with an apartment fire ignited by his electric blanket. This occurred New Year’s Day. He escaped unharmed but due to the extensive smoke and water damage to his Worthington Street apartment he lost his extensive collection of Elvis soundtracks on vinyl. After this, things continued to spiral downward.
January 6 Wilks falls down staircase, injuring his back and neck. Loses three teeth.
January 13 proves uneventful.
January 17 is a Monday. Wilks receives a registered letter stating that due to a clerical error, he now owes the Canadian Government back-taxes of $16,786.32 from three years ago when he sold six bushels of sweet
corn from the back of his truck.
January 20 Wilks finds a wallet on Wyld Street and is then promptly mugged by three men all wearing baseball caps and grey hooded sweatshirts. In an unfortunate twist of fate, the wallet belongs to one of the muggers who quickly accuses Wilks of being a thief. Loses more teeth.
January 24 Wilks applies for a job only to discover that he has an outstanding arrest warrant from high school when he allegedly shoplifted a large Butterball ham from a grocery store. He had forgotten all about that. This record would now prohibit him from working at No Frills where they shun all forms of wanton ham thievery.
January 28 Wilks is attacked by a Peurto Rican Screech Owl ( otus nudipes.) The razor talons slashed up his scalp.
January 31 Wilks, afraid to go anywhere or do anything lest he stumble into more misfortune stays close to home to reflect on the terrible month. At 11:30 that night before retiring to bed, confident that the month of February would be a better one, Wilks accidentally swallows a commemorative Remembrance Day quarter from Tim Hortons.
February 1 Wilks goes out with longtime friend and confidante, Lloyd Cheepnis. Both Wilks and Cheepnis have a fine time.
“We went out and took in Avatar and then went out for a few drinks and I was just waiting for something to go wrong but we had a terrific time and it looks like I may have turned the corner. January was a bad month, there’s no doubt.”
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