MAN TAKES LEAP OF FAITH AND CRUSHES STERNUM AND RIPS BELLY - “I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT,” SAYS CO-WORKER

BANGUS ONLINE — A Toronto man is in hospital after taking an impulsive, yet spectacular leap of faith after becoming involved in an verbal altercation with his shift-manager. Marshal Dincan, of Keele Street, spoke often of changing vocations from his current one of entry-level pallet repairman at a north-end paint factory to that of a professional puppeteer and ventriloquist. Dincan was hired in the spring of 2001 at Reynolds Paints in Vaughn Township, GTA. According to work performance records obtained by Bangus Online, Dincan had twice been accused of stealing office supplies and selling them for an increased street value, which had been a mitigating factor in the recent workplace mishap.

Shift Manager Pat Hearn of Oakville, confronted Dincan about missing safety glasses and Zippo lighters. It is alleged that Dincan then became enraged and began shouting out that he could no longer stand such a “mundane working environment.” He announced to anyone within earshot that he was “quitting” effective immediately to pursue his dream.

A co-worker, who has requested anonymity, has come forward claiming that he tried to tried to talk Dincan out of making such a rash decision. “I told him not to do it. But, he did it anyway. I didn’t really care either way. He was a bit of a jerk face.”

As Dincan was cleaning out his locker, a fork lift sped out of control due to brake failure, careening with Dincan throwing him nine meters onto a case of oil based paints, crushing his sternum. The operator of the fork lift, who was the only employee trained in CPR and First Aid, opted not to assist his fallen coworker due to Dincan’s abrasive personality and disagreeable demeanor.

“I never liked the guy. He was always talking about is big plans and ideas. He was an idiot. After I hit him with the fork lift I got Gail, from the cafeteria to call an ambulance then I set to work cleaning up all the spilled
paint. It took me all afternoon.”

Factory spokesmen have refused to comment on the incident, pending an internal workplace safety investigation, but Marianne Hugely from Human Resources did tell Bangus that there is a entry level position available at Reynolds Paints for a pallet repair technician. Successful applicants will have secondary diploma and a desire to use an air-hammer.