Mail Bag

Dear Bangus Online, I would like to thank you for posting the picture of my wife who I thought had been missing or done run off with my brother. It turns out she wasn’t missing at all. She was in the house all along. It’s just that for the past while I’ve been blind drunk. When I sobered up there she was, reading on the couch.Who says there are no happy endings? Now, if someone could just get all these spiders off of me. Thanks again.

Alphonse Washington, Collingwood

Ed. Glad we could help. Everyone at Bangus is terrified of both spiders and Lionel Richie.

Dear Bangus Online, I’ve written to Maclean’s, Canadian Living, Chatelaine, Hogs & Halibut and Rolling Stone but no one will publish my letters. Bangus Online is my last chance. Please. I only wanted to mention that I lost my virginity in Northern Manitoba. No one seems interested. Maybe it's just not newsworthy I thought about starting a blog to let people know, or maybe some type of Facebook group, but really this was the only thing I've been talking about for the past few weeks, so maybe you can spread the word for me?

Thomas Duels

Ed. Okay - everyone listen up - this is huge. Thomas Duels, a literal nobody from somewhere in Manitoba has evidently lost his virginity. It doesn't sound like he really wants it back, so if you find it somewhere in the oil fields, just throw it in the fridge for safekeeping, or chuck it in a pond or something.