A sweaty looking spokesman for the city, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have been the one to have come up with the idea after viewing the children’s video ‘Pied Piper’ and then footage from the Moscow Music Peace Festival held August 12th 1989 where Cinderella performed a tight bluesy set sandwiched between Skid Row and Bon Jovi. “I was sitting in my mom’s basement watching some old videos and drinking quite heavily. I mean, I was really liquored-up. Then, after Pied Piper I found the Moscow Music Peace Festival tape under a stack of Whose The Boss? episodes. The mother, uh Mona, was hot. I never knew why Tony didn’t chase her instead of that prude. Mona was the wild one. Oh yeah, okay, so I remember taping the Peace Festival from MTV. Right away I noticed the awesome power Tom Keifer had over the audience and there was at least eight million people there and I figured, hey, maybe he can do something with our bear problem, you know? He had everyone eating from the palm of his hand. It was really something to see. The only other performer, I think, to have the same kind of power was Gino Vanelli or maybe Cory Hart. But this Keifer guy? Unbelievable.”
Keifer originally asked for 2.6 hundred dollars for a three month contract, plus travel and living expenses.
After eleventh-hour negotiations, his agent, Smelly Theo accepted on Mr. Keifer’s behalf but for the reduced negotiated fee of 1.3 hundred dollars plus a voucher for a spaghetti dinner at a local place of worship upon completion of contact.
During a phone call, Bangus asked Smelly Theo, whether Mr Keifer has had any experience with black
bears. He responded by humming a few bars of ‘Gypsy Road’. After further prodding, Mr. Theo did admit that his client has “little to no” experience dealing with bears and can barely bathe himself, but he is confident that this scheme is so crazy it “just might work.” Looking for confirmation, Bangus contacted fellow councilman Donald Kruthers, who wished to remain anonymous to confirm the rock & roll black bear deal.
“Yeah. It was either this Keifer fella or Leonard Cohen,” stated Kruthers. “It is my understanding that Mr.
Cohen wanted three hundred cartons of cigarettes and nine quartz of red wine. So, I guess North Bay is
lucky to have gotten Mr. Keifer at such a savings which of course we can pass on the the taxpayers in some
intangible and ambiguous way that could not hold up under any scrutiny."
Asked if he is familiar with the vocal stylings of Mr. Keifer, Kruthers stated: “I’m more of an BTO guy. TCB? C’mon, man. Now, that’s real rock! And don’t get me going on Davey Jones.”
Smelly Theo assured North Bay that they have made a sound decision in the hiring of his client. He admits to not knowing where North Bay is but states that he knew a treeplanter from Kelowna, BC and figured that it was probably not far from there. Keifer will be packaged up in the large cardboard box that he has been living in since 1997 and will be layered in bubble wrap that Smelly Theo collected from the alley in
Hollywood. He will be sent via Express Post.
“I’ll have him there by nine a.m. Wednesday, August 21st Guaranteed! Then he’ll sing his ass off and take care of them bears for good.”
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