I put the orange down on the small stand, along with a juice box and the cards. I bought them at the small canteen on the first floor. There was a lot to choose from: muffins wrapped in Saran wrap, umbrellas, postcards, sweatshirts with the hospital logo, plush teddy bears, toothbrushes, combs, pillows, toys, rosaries, dried floral arrangements, bowie knives, dentures, condoms, slippers, magazines, pocket novels with women being manhandled by rugged looking pirates, Disney colouring books, peel’n’win lotto tickets, bingo stampers, coffee, key chains, Tylenol, magnets, nail clippers, non-prescription reading glasses, stickers, wooden carvings (animals, crosses etc…) hats and toques and Pepsi and Redbull. I spun the four-sided metal rack looking for that perfect card for Larry. Nothing. Just feel good, get well bullshit cards with rainbows, flowers, little puppy dogs, a cat hanging from a clothesline saying “hang in there”. One card had a picture of a guy who looked a little like Jesus Christ and a little like Ted Danson. None of these would do. They all sucked. Too touchy feely. I looked at some cards that were obviously priced to sell – cheap. They were in a cardboard box marked TEN FOR THE PRICE OF ONE: I thumbed through the large selection – dog-eared and jaundiced. I bought them all.
GO TO THE LIGHT – THEY HAVE KIDNEYS THERE
DOES YOUR IRON LUNG COME WITH A TELEVISION?
DO YOU SEE JESUS YET?
SORRY THAT YOUR FACE IS DESTROYED
IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HAMBURGER
SO YOU’VE LITERALLY TURNED THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN
SO MUCH PUSS, SO LITTLE TIME
SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP
GET WELL OR DIE TRYING
EWWW! IT’S DEFLATED
MENINGITIS SOUNDS LIKE MOUTHWASH
DID IT ALWAYS SOUND LIKE THAT?
YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD? WELL, I HAVE A KINK IN MY NECK
SO YOU’VE GOT LEPROSY, EH?
IT’S NOT YOUR EARLOBE THEY’RE REMOVING
WAY TO HEMORRHAGE
DID THAT JUST MOVE?
THREE STROKES AND YOU’RE OUT
DID YOUR HEART ATTACK YOU?
WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE OTHER ONE?
HOLY SHIT! YOU SMELL LIKE A CORPSE
WHAT THE HELL DID THEY DO TO YOU?
WALK IT OFF
YOU LOOK TERRIBLE
HELLO? OH YEAH, YOU’VE LOST YOUR HEARING
I’D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY
IT MUST SUCK NOT HAVING A TONGUE
HEY, YOU CAN PEE WITHOUT GETTING UP – LUCKY BUM
SO IT CAME BACK, EH?
YOU SEEM TO BE LEAKING
WAS THAT ALWAYS THERE?
OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
LET’S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ARTHRITIS
SO THE PIGS ATE YOUR KIDNEY?
GOT YOUR NOSE
GOT MUD?
THE BURN DOESN’T LOOK THAT BAD
HEY AT LEAST YOU HAVE ONE GOOD EYE
TERMINAL SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE GOING ON A TRIP
SEE YOU IN HEAVEN
IT MIGHT GROW BACK
IS THAT DRAFT COMING FROM THE HOLE IN YOUR THROAT?
SUCKS TO BE YOU
HOLY SHIT!!
PULL MY FINGER
THANK GOD YOU STILL HAVE TWO GOOD ARMS AND AN ASSHOLE
NEED A HAND? I BET YOU DO, SEEING AS HOW YOU LOST ONE
THUMBS UP FOR SYPHILIS
WHILE YOU’RE HERE, I AM SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE
ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THAT MORPHINE?
HEY, YOU WANT SOME OF MY WHITE BLOOD CELLS? I’M STUFFED
THIS CARD IS HILARIOUS! I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE IN STITCHES. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE
WHAT’S THAT SMELL?
IS THAT CONTAGIOUS?
BEANS, BEANS THEY’RE GOOD FOR YOUR STROKE, THE MORE YOU EAT, THE SOONER YOU CROAK, THE SOONER YOU CROAK, THE BETTER YOU FEEL, SO EAT BEANS AT EVERY MEAL
WALKING IS OVER RATED
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