Bangus Blues Break of the Day

New Kiddie Album Has Parents Bitching

The track listing of famed Bangus County Kiddie Crooner - Happy Harry, has been leaked on the Internet.  It seems that Happy Harry is looking to stretch out a bit, and who the hell can blame him? Go Harry, go!

Track 1 - Quitting the dope quest
Track 2 - My Neighbour is related to Hitler
Track 3 - Pocket full of bullshit
Track 4 - Hey kids, it's Communism Curt kicking the daydreams and smack
Track 5-  Never too much XXX
Track 6 - Lady Gaga is a whore
Track 7 - Why does it have to hurt so much?
Track 8 - Tickle pickle and pumpernickel
Track 9 - Black October
Track 10 - My Beulah's belly aches something fierce
Track 11 - Down for the count
Track 12 - Police beat down hoe down
Track 13 - Freezing and alone
Track 14 - There is no God and all  the angles are horrible drunks
Track 15 - Dead unicorns
Track 16 (bonus track) Self abuse under the sun
Track 17 (bonus track) Crying over spilled milk and waiting for the cookies to crumble
Track 18 (bonus track) I will turn this damn car around right now if you kids don't shut up
Track 19 (bonus track) Obama mofo
Track 20 (bonus track) Go tell your shrink. I don't give a shit anymore Herschel!

From the desk of the Foreign Affairs Department - The World Out There by Chris Rees

Where:Europe
What: Debt

Europe is still deeply in debt, say monetary experts. Europe is so deeply in debt that it would take 1000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years for the average European to pay off this debt. Fortunately there are millions of people in Europe so the debt should be paid off in 25 years. Europe consists of France, Germany and other countries. Sarah Palin was seen swimming in a hotel pool in the Europe hotel in downtown Dallas Texas last Friday. Hugo Chavez also likes to swim.

Where: Africa
What: Mad in the face - Condemns Israel Strike
African countries today condemned Israel for some form of strike. Egypt, Uganda, Ethiopia and Libya expressed outrage. Other African countries expressed condemnation. Researchers at Bangus are unaware the reasons for the shock and outrage or what kind of strike it was. In other African news, a large animal was spotted by a zoologist. The species of animal is unknown to Bangus.

Where: North America
What: Sarah Palin is right! Drill baby Drill!

Scientists have determined that Sarah Palin is correct when she says Drill baby Drill. A huge amount of oil has been discovered in the Gulf of Mexico near Louisiana and that has oil companies excited about the possibility of finding more. The current oil is mixed with dead turtles so it cannot be used. However, oil company officials say that other oil may be available for refining. Ms Palin was wearing a shiny black Chanel two piece ensemble with her trademark hairdo and glasses.

Where:Asia
What: Asia remains the worlds largest continent


Asia is still larger than Africa, Europe or the Americas. It is several times larger than Australia or Antarctica. The reason for Asia’s largeness is directly related to the largeness of both Russia and China, says a geographer.

Where:South America
Who: Hugo Chavez
What: Still fat


Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela remains the fattest leader in South America. The reasons for his fatness have to do with tacos, enchiladas and burritos. One commentator said that Chavez is so fat that “when he broke his leg recently, salsa sauce came out” A spokesman for Chavez said the president wasn’t fat but merely four feet too short.

AL JAZEERA TO AIR 24-HOUR TV BINGO - Soft-spoken Usama Bin Laden to call the numbers from various super-secret remote locations.

BANGUS ONLINE—Al Jazeera, an Arabic television channel based in Qatar, a tiny oil-rich sheikdom on the Persian Gulf, hit the big time following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. The station broadcast video messages featuring Osam bin Laden and other superstars of Al Qaeda. It propelled the television channel from international obscurity to the forefront of the war on terror. But, according to Al Jazeera marketing director, Tony Sheppard, the station has much more to offer the world.

In September of 2005, Al Jazeera launched an English subtitled Home TV Bingo channel to be broadcasted worldwide called Al Jazeera Super-Max Home Bingo Spectacular. Every Tuesday is Texas Blackout night — a popular bingo variation. The first number called will be either odd or even. If the first number called is even then all the even numbers on all your cards are Wild (Jokers). Cover all the even numbers. If the first number called is odd, cover all the odd numbers. The game then proceeds to a blackout.

Al Jazeera, in a tight-lipped agreement with much sought after Usamah bin Muhammad bin Awad bin Ladin readily agreed to Usama’s only demand, that his voice be dubbed into English by Mike Tyson. The decision to offer hosting duties to Bin Laden was a natural one. Sheppard says “Bin Laden is the most wanted and recognizable man in the world. There’s a $50 million dollar reward for information leading to his capture. His notoriety will surely translate into a ratings bonanza.”

Bangus Book of the Day

Kingsley Amis (1922—1995) was an English novelist, poet and critic. Regarded as one of the comic masters of the twentieth century, his books include Lucky Jim, Take a Girl Like You and The Old Devils.

 Writing to one of Granta’s first assistant editors in 1979, Amis declined an invitation to appear in the magazine.

 Granta.com

ST. HYACINTH WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO GIANT INFLATABLE PANDA IN TORONTO METRO ZOO

BANGUS ONLINE - TORONTO —Zoo officials are calling the captive birth “very unusual.” A very pregnant Camille DeLeau arrived at the zoo with her husband as part of their highly anticipated trip to Toronto. The planned day at the Metro Zoo was to be a highlight for DeLeau who had never been. The DeLeau’s arrived promptly at 9:00, and after consulting their map carefully planned out their day. Her water broke on the Marco Polo Trail Camel Ride. Metro Conservation officers, trained in live panda births were unsure how to deal with Mrs DeLeau but nature took its course and after 83 hours of intense labour, Ling-Ling-Marshall-DeLeau was born naturally.

Zoo officials are ecstatic. Mrs DeLeau is overjoyed. Mr DeLeau is confused. Ling-Ling-Marshall-DeLeau is doing well after having to be tethered to keep from being blown away.

It's the weekend in Bangus County!

Life is short unless it's a Monday morning, then life seems to drag like a crippled seal. But in the shadow of the Laurentian Mountains we live hard and play hard then walk hard like Dewey taught us all. And when Friday rolls along, Bangus County comes to life - not like during the week when the whole population is heavily sedated and mildly annoyed. From balloon stomps and juggling to unsanctioned bingos and hoola hoops nothing is off limits within county limits (except line dancing - we do not tolerate line dancing so don't think about coming up from the big city to try and pull that bullshit here).

Mogfistianism for the Modern Age

“Born in Arizona, move to Babylonia. He gave his life for tourism.” – Uncle Wallace from the Church of Mog Fist

I’m in the early stages of a total makeover - reinventing myself into a new age man, like Geddy Lee. It’s all according to a newly penned dogma hitherto referred to as Mogfistianism. I will now be acutely sensitive to my immediate surroundings and my environment. I will also be sensitive to my own personal odour when hanging around cramped spaces - all starting today or maybe tomorrow, as it is kind of late and there’s a Stephen Hawking documentary starting on The Discovery Channel. Okay, so tomorrow I will wake up to become the kind of guy that will constantly be looking for the good in things. I used to get hung up while looking for the bad in things, but hot damn, today that’s like shooting fish in a barrel full of oil from the Gulf, which is fun at first but after a few hundred shots fired just gets a little ho-hum.

In addition to this psychic makeover I’m also developing a new religion. For anyone out there who knows me or has even casually checked out this column, you will be familiar with my daily quest not just for the meaning of life, but for the meaning of the mundane. Some people know what the meaning of life is, but refuse to tell me unless I either beg or pay or subscribe to Maclean’s Magazine– three things I refuse to do.

Philosophically and theologically speaking I remain non-committal – still trying to piece together something manageable – something that works for me. So, I have focused my new ‘glass half full’ philosophy to Frankenstein a new quasi-religious – fully customizable faith to meet all my needs. But what kind of guy am I? What are my needs?

I’m a musician with musician needs: I was raised on shock rock and horror movies – from Gene Simmons spitting blood and breathing fire to an emaciated and heavily intoxicated Alice Cooper all of which lends neatly to the religious rituals of serpent handling in rural Pentecostal churches in the southern United States. Practitioners quote the Book of Mark and the Book of Luke, trance out and pass around snakes while accompanied by the jangle of an electric guitar and a tight sweaty rhythm section. Sometimes, when things get really crazy the pastor will drink strychnine and speak in tongues. Snakes, strychnine and seventies rock and roll really does it for me.

“Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you”. (Luke 10:19)

BANGUS, PLEASE RENOVATE MY PIMP AND WHEN YOU’RE DONE, CAN YOU SLAP HIM AROUND A BIT?

REGINA—“My pimp Reggie needs a major pimping,” complains Maureen Thompson of Regina, Saskatchewan. “He’s totally outdated and now he’s an embarrassment. I admit that he did look kind of hot in 1974 and he drove that Lincoln Continental but times have changed and it just doesn’t work for me any more.”

When Bangus Online heard of Maureen’s dilemma, newly hired resident budget fashionista and self-styled Valentino, Horst Maximilian Müeller flew direct to pimp Maureen’s pimp. The transformation was filmed by CITY TV for a Much Music pilot program entitled “Pimp My Pimp.”

“After a quick trip to Zellers and Budget Hair Cuts, Reggie is now my greatest victory,” beams Horst. “He is now ready to join the 21st century.”

Maureen says she couldn’t be happier with the transformation. “Reggie looks amazing. Thank you Angus. Thank you.

Bangus Book of the Day

 DHALGREN was initially published in 1974 by Bantam Books. The science fiction genre was flush with energy for a number of reasons, and Bantam hired Frederik Pohl (who even then was a grand master in the field) to find new and original science fiction novels and publish them under its imprint with the legend "A Frederik Pohl Book," or something like that. A great idea. A couple of these were published; then along came...DHALGREN by Samuel R. Delany.

Sam Delany at that point in time was one of the genre's young lions. He was racking up awards by the wheelbarrow full for brilliant novels like NOVA and THE EINSTEIN INTERSECTION and for short stories that bounced around in your brain long after you finished them, novels and stories that combined hard science with social problems that no one even dreamed of but somehow knew were coming. The word was that he was working on a massive new novel that would set the genre on its ear; then along came...DHALGREN.

Several months after DHALGREN was published I attended a science fiction convention that featured a panel discussion consisting of Pohl; Harlan Ellison, at the most prolific and creative high point of his career; and Joe Haldeman, who had published a couple of excellent books at that point and was highly regarded as an up-and-comer. One of the many nebbishes among those assembled asked the panel "What did you think of DHALGREN?" Ellison harped, "I hated it!", Haldeman shrugged and said, "I read it," and Pohl, looking down his nose at those assembled, answered, "I bought it." Whether or not he was sold a bill of goods is still a matter of contention today.

Do you recognize the pointing man?

If anyone out there recognizes the pointing man please call 1 888 6987 Ext 126. All calls confidential.

“A WHALE KILLED MY FAMILY!” A TRUE CANADIAN ANGUS ADVENTURE TALE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

Ever since I was a kid I’d wanted to shoot me a big fat smug whale. It was a big fat smug whale that killed my entire family so now it was pay back. This is the shit movies should be made about. Maybe there have been, I don’t know. I do not watch television and have not been to the picture show since a big fat smug whale killed my entire family.

It was a wedding that brought me to Percé but it was fate that brought me far out into the Gulf of St Lawrence on the Felix Martin - a big fat smug whale spotting ship with a skipper named Jacques.

“Are you Ahab?” I asked as I stepped down from the dock into his metal trawler.
“Ahab?”
“Oui. Are you Ahab?”
“Moi?”
“Yes.”
“Non. Mon nom est Jacques. You know that already you damn English fool. Now, please, fait attention
avec ton gun. Depeche!”

I met Jacques a few days earlier in a bar. First impressions being what they are I knew this Frenchman was not just any heavy drinking Frenchman. He was my heavy drinking Frenchman. He just looked like the type of guy that would take me out to the open waters to shoot me a big fat smug whale. But I still initially broached the subject with caution - dancing around the idea - just to get a clear sense for the guy. After a
few pleasantries and one serious misunderstanding, a deal was struck and a few days later we were off barreling out past Le Roche Percé and Lil de Bonaventure.

The Felix Martin belched out purple clouds of exhaust. Empty liquor bottles clanked around my feet. I sat beside Jacques and slapped him on the back.

“Let’s go shoot us a big fat smug whale,” I said. We motored for about half an hour. No land in sight. Then a
great puff of water just off starboard.

“Over there, monsieur,” Jacques says pointing. “La balaine”.
“What?”
“Whale! Whale!”
“Quick Get up on it, Jacques you crazy French bastard.”

The drive back to Ontario with a whale’s head strapped to the roof of my VW got me some nasty glares but for me it’s all about closure. That big fat smug whale killed my entire family. Well, maybe not that particular whale, but if it wasn’t that one, he probably put the killer whale up to it. All big fat smug whales look the same to me.

Bangus Online's Big Beautifu Bag of Mail

I was at a party at my friend’s and we were playing trivia and a pal started to act like a jerk and was arguing about who played the evil Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. We kind of got fed up of him so I told him to “go piss up a rope”. He said that he made up this saying and I was copying him. Now, I’ve never heard him say this but I do admit to having heard it before. Where does this saying originate from? The only reason I’m writing into Bangus asking about this is that not many people make time for their readers. I’ve written to Outdoor Canada, CHIRP and a variety of other Canadian magazines asking for their help on this but no one has responded. Can you help a gal out?

Corrine Langley
Lively, ON

Ed. Hey Corrine - the colloquialism “go piss up a rope” dates back to the cradle of civilization—and can be traced to Moses but most famously - Mother Theresa of Calcutta

Hello Bangus Online. I’d like to just say that I stopped by the HQ in beautiful downtown Bangus County to see about getting a t shirt and I was absolutely stunned at the inner workings of Bangus. It was like a typhoon tore through the place but what was truly weird was that even though all the doors were open and there was some weird clarinet music blaring, there was no one in sight. There were a few unattended candles burning and the computers were on. I snooped around and just waited. Well, I ended up waiting for eleven hours and still no one. The candles burnt themselves out but the clarinet music just kept repeating so I just left the cheque tacked to the weird picture of  Superman. I hope you got it and you should think about locking up when you’re not around. I was kind of looking forward to seeing Mississippi Gary. He’s a real trooper to put up with all the crap. I enjoy the site.

Beulah Parks—Bangus County, ON
beulahparks@aol.net

Ed. Dear Beulah. I was in the bathroom and I sent Mississippi Gary home early to think long and hard about what he had done. Sorry we missed you and I can’t ind any cheque. Please send five more. Thanks.

SATAN JOINS IN ON CYCLING CRAZY

BANGUS—It seems this new fangled fitness craze that all the kids are buzzing about is not just for kids anymore. Now children, adults and the Prince of Darkness himself are enjoying the benefits of bicycling. Igor, the Bangus Medical Correspondent, states that a vigorous bike ride is a great cardiovascular workout and a good way to just enjoy the outdoors. Satan could not agree more.

“I have varicose veins and bicycling really helps with my circulation. And if my legs don’t hurt, then I’m generally in a pretty decent mood and that’s a good thing.”

But is it just another fad like rail travel and skipping ropes? As the sport’s official ambassador, Satan claims that bicycling is “here to stay" which is a great quote to end this fluff piece.

Bangus Book of the Day

Ashley MacIsaac - Fiddling with Disaster

Celtic-punk fiddler Ashley McIsaac, from Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, has put his own stamp on traditional Celtic music for almost two decades. Now, in his autobiography, Ashley recounts his climb from Creignish to New York and beyond, and pulls no punches in the story of his subsequent troubles with fame, drugs and the media.

The Globe and Mail

BANGUS EDITOR - "I LIKE BOOKS AND MOUNTAIN MUSIC"

“In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.” – Oscar Wylde – November 1894

Yeah, I’m a writer. I’m one of those people. I have this thing for words. I have this thing for books. It’s really quite shameless. Books. I read them. I write them. Sometimes I read them while I write them while I drive while spilling coffee, dodging potholes, shouting at clouds, smoking big fat Cuban cigars and laughing at my own jokes. Sure. I’m a big shot. I’ve been mangling the Queen’s English for a number of years – forcing words to bend to my will. But before we get too involved, let me just get some rudimentary stuff out in the open about the mechanics of this column and all subsequent columns, you know, just so there are no misunderstandings down the road. I frankly do not care much for the semi-colon. There. I’ve said it. In my experience, it’s a bit of a smug, sanctimonious big-city punctuation. And proper comma usage? Don’t get me going on that whole scene. Run-on sentences? Bring ‘em on, daddio! For me, writing is like free-form meandering jazz explorations. It’s a spontaneous exercise that can quickly become flat if I begin to contemplate paragraph breaks or faulty sentences. My writing is not high-art. With this being said, let us begin, shall we?

DOES YOUR POT ROAST ALWAYS TURN OUT PORNOGRAPHIC?

BANGUS ONLINE — In a recent national survey funded by the Canadian Meat Association of Conniston by The Tames, 45% of all Canadian households have experienced incidents of what professionals are terming ‘pornographic pot roasts’ — pork or beef roasts eerily resembling various parts of the human anatomy. But is it all just a lot of nonsense? Are the respondents all just sexy-meat obsessionists? Or is here something more to this? Bangus Meat Correspondent, Mississippi Gary, asked Rheal Ragu-DuMondellair, the happy butcher next door. They spoke briefly in Mr Ragu-DuMondellair’s tiny apartment in beautiful downtown Bangus County.

“The whole porno pot roast is just a, how you say, an urban legend. Oui? Bon. So, yes, I’ve been a butcher for forty years. Forty years. Tabernacle! That’s a, beaucoup du viande, eh, en masse du boeuf, or, eh, how you say, a shit lot of meat. Oui? Mais, any way you cut it I’ve never come across such a thing as a pornographic pot roast. I’m not even sure what the hell it is supposed to be? Bien sur, I’ve seen a meatloaf that looked like a girl I once loved a long, long time ago. The meatloaf, ah, she was real tender and how you say, juicy, just like my Jeannine from Deux Rivieres. Mais, that was a long time ago. She was, how you say, a real fox. Oui?”

It was unclear whether it was his precious Jeannine or the meatloaf that was the real fox. But the high national numbers are too difficult to dismiss outright so Mississippi Gary spoke with local meat folklorist Janet Goldman, a somewhat authority on all sorts of stuff who runs a successful bookstore. Jane says: “Yes,
there are certainly countless documented incidents of family gatherings ruined by pornographic pot roasts going as far back as 1976. With the advent of the Polaroid instant camera, a picture is worth a thousand words.”

Janet produced a bulking photo album, stuffed so full it only partially closed. Flipping through were picture after picture of pornographic pot roasts. “I told you,” Jane said.“This one looks like Angelina Joli or maybe Sara Palin”

HOORAY FOR CELIBACY Bangus Online is proud to present Agnatha Esthers - former Inco Queen of 1936.

BANGUS COUNTY—Circle June 15th on your calendar. No calendar? What are ya? A pagan? Ooops. Sorry. Well, that’s still no excuse. Go find someone with a normal calendar and circle the 15th with a big red marker. Don’t even tell them who you are or why you’ve just barged in on them to deface their calendar. Why all the hub-bub? Well, only because on June 15th, noted Canadian celibacy advocate and handgun enthusiast, Ms Agnatha Esthers, will be performing her one-woman play at Bangus Headquarters in beautiful sunny downtown Bangus County. The stop is part of her Hooray for Celibacy (Sex is for Sickos) World Tour. Esthers, hailing from Sudbury, Ontario, spent her formative years underground preaching the virtues of celibacy and selling green apples to surly coal miners. She has written 43 books to date all on why celibacy is the way to go.

Celibacy has been good to Agnatha Estheres. Her books and plays have earned her an express lane to a Swiss Bank in Cobalt. But with the “gimme-gimme eighties” and promiscuity of the “anything goes” nineties, celibacy has been considered a bit of a joke, especially among people who were having sex up to seven times a day. Now, with the sudden “hipness of virginity” spearheaded by Hewie Lewis, Esthere’s back in the limelight with her universal dream. Her books have been out selling Dr Phil, Eric Brown and Moses combined and her earning leverage is now quite formidable according to her booking agent - Blind Robi McTell who has booked her “From New Orleans through to Jerusalem.” Her Q ratio is through the roof, says McTell who winks as he speaks which seems an odd habit for a blind man.

Estheres (we don’t know really how old she is) now calls a reddish adobe style ranchero building in Las Vegas
her home (“The dry air helps in my preservation”). She will hit the makeshift main stage stage at Bangus HQ
at 298 Main Street at 8:00 am promptly. After which, sandwiches will be served with some refreshing soda.
Tickets are going fast. Call to pre-register. All those in attendance may choose to remain for a open forum starting at 10 pm or leave and have sex somewhere much to Agnatha Esther’s chagrin.

“Welcome to Canada. So do you gots anything to declare?”

"Some ganja. No, wait. Never mind. Nothing. Well, maybe some rum, but definitely no ganja. Well, maybe just a little. Oh, and some fruit."
"My lack of identity."
“Just my profound apologies for everything.”
“Does my trout count?”
“A chainsaw.”
“My Best of Journey CD”
"Just years and years of regret and a profound sense of melancholy."
“My brother’s kidney and a few packs of smokes in a bowling bag for carry-on.”
“Three swollen testicles. It’s a long story. Please don’t ask for the details.”
“I bought this cute little Brazilian baby in an open market. The lady said it would be no problem and if there was all I’d have to say is that Lady Divia said it was cool.”
“Yeah, diarrhea and a ticket for public mischief.”
“Two goats and a bag filled with ox tails.”
"My undying love of unicorns. Oh, and I have a prosthetic eye."
“Just some forged travel documents and this really sharp pointy stick. I think you’ll see all my paperwork is in order.”
“A snowplow for my fourwheeler and a bride for my brother. They were both on sale.”
“Tuberculosis.”
“High quality and potent bull semen. I’m starting a breeding business. Hang on, it’s here in my pocket. Oh
shit, the zip lock ripped.”
“ A detailed map of a Wal Mart in Pembroke.”
"Three pairs of new slacks."
"Some weird voodoo stuff  that this lady gave me for my bad back."

Dear Bangus

I’m writing about that woman who gave her husband a Dutch Oven. Well, she seems to find it funny and even your publication down-played the seriousness of this so-called ‘prank’. According to the New Swisha Journal of Medicine, there are three hundred fatalities yearly in the United States and six thousand deaths a year in Canada.Please, let’s take a mature and serious look at these frightening numbers. These are fatalities easily avoided by simple respecting out rights to breathing clean air.Thank you for printing this letter and if you do read this and decide not to print this, well, sir, you can go to hell.
Truly, Kathy Snow
Timmins, ON