Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Antiterrorist Handbook, the Impeachment of U.S. Federal Judge Thomas Porteous, Vito Corleone and other smoky homemade autumn preserves
“Bene, Don Corleone. I need a man who has powerful friends. I need a million dollars in cash. I need, Don Corleone, all of those politicians that you carry around in your pocket, like so many nickels and dimes.” Virgil ‘The Turk’ Sollozzo
Hey. A few weeks ago I was in a crowded elevator. I could have taken the stairs, but I enjoy acting like a big shot. A big wig. A top dog. A top wig and a big dog to a lesser extent. It was somewhere between the first and second floor when someone farted. It was a classic, awkward moment. I was the only one that laughed.
Sheesh. Not sure why that is. All of this has little to do with the business at hand. Okay, so I’ve been away for a few weeks, yes? Yes. The highlight of my break? Well, I watched the original Sleepaway Camp, finished a manuscript, thought about taking my Schwinn for a quick spin around the block, uhm, and watched my son pick up some dog crap from the back yard. Uh, oh yeah, then there was that whole scene in the elevator. Okay, enough screwing around, now, back to work…
A long time ago when the earth was green I watched a movie with my father. I remember the movie being a little boring, and at the time feeling like the flick was twenty years long. Many of the scenes were darkly lit and were sodden with dialogue mostly involving a portly man who spoke softly out from a mouth full of cotton or marbles. Now, for a six-year-old kid, this movie sucked huge. I couldn’t tell the good guys from the bad. They all overdressed and drove classic cars through the boroughs of New York. One scene stuck with me however: an old man with crazy hair in satin pajamas in a big bed with marvellous satin sheets. In the scene, he wakes in horror to discover a severed horse head under the sheets at the foot of his bed. Now, hot damn, that’s some cool cinema. Al Pacino. Jimmy Caan. Marlon Brando. Every time I tried to get out, they kept pulling me back in. Crime, politics and religion all mixed into one hellbroth. Hellbroth is a great word. I first came across it going through some gonzo letters. Now I use it whenever I can. Hellbroth. Hellbroth.
Alright, I’m done with the Corleone saga for the time being. Since (hellbroth) Monday past I’ve been suckered into the latest in reality television shows. It has nothing to do with dancing, or women trying on wedding dresses that most can’t afford for that special day. This reality show, which is essentially a wicked mini-series is actually being broadcast on a CNN.com through live streaming video. The name of the show, which is not very imaginative I must admit, is called The Impeachment of Federal Judge G Thomas Porteous. The show is proudly sponsored by the US House of Representatives who greenlit the affair way back on March 11th. There are no commercial interruptions but a hell of a lot of breaks.
Impeachment sounds a little cool, kind of like being sentenced to become a delightful autumn preserve on a Georgia chain gang. I could certainly think of many things that at least sound worse than being impeached. Evisceration. Castration. Oral surgery. Having someone poke you in the eye with something sharp. Audited. Taking a fitness test. Having your feet cut off while you are sleeping or possibly waking up with a horse head in your bed. Drawn and quartered sounds a bit shitty as well. But to be impeached? Hell, at the very worst, impeachment sounds like when a person is ordered to give back their peaches. For me, I don’t care for peaches. They are pompous and messy and do absolutely nothing for me, so if I was ever impeached, I would be more than happy to give back my peaches. But, for Judge Porteous, from New Orleans, it sounds like he really likes peaches and is not crazy about giving them back to anyone. Now, why is the US House of Representatives demanding their peaches back from the Judge from down in the Big Easy? Well, it’s alleged that Judge Porteous abused his power. How? Check this out – and before you jump in a decide that he is a monster, the only thing to remember is that the reason he has to give back his peaches is that he got caught doing things with his peaches that are not permitted. There are many people in positions of political power, yes even here in Canada, the land of the free, from the whimsy of small-town politics right up to the hysterics of federal politics that do terrible things with their peaches, or the peaches we have bestowed upon them. But, let’s keep the spotlight on Porteous. Simply:
‘The allegations against Porteous were uncovered during the FBI's Operation Wrinkled Robe, an investigation of the relationship between state judges in Jefferson Parish, where Porteous served until he was appointed a federal judge in 1994, and bail bondsman Louis Marcotte. That 6 -year investigation put court-ordered wiretaps and video cameras in the parish courthouse and brought 14 convictions, including those of two state judges who were sent to federal prison. In addition to making false statements under oath and taking gifts from attorneys, the charges against Porteous include hiding assets from the bankruptcy estate, leaving gambling losses off the list of (hellbroth) debts and getting short-term credit from casinos after the bankruptcy judge ordered him to get approval of the court before taking on any debt. The probe also uncovered evidence that Porteous rejected a request to step down from a case without revealing that he had a history of financial relationships with at least one attorney involved and leaving lawyers gifts of financial disclosure statements from 1994 to 2000. Porteous stepped aside from all civil cases involving the federal government and all criminal cases in 2003, after a relative of Marcotte said the bondsman — sent to prison for racketeering — had paid for Porteous' car repairs and arranged another favor.’
Source: http://www.tulanelink.com/tulanelink/porteousimpeach_08a.htm
Okay. It’s not even a criminal proceeding. It’s just a huge expense meant to shame and embarrass someone into admitting they spoiled their peaches. Bill Clinton, my favourite US President starred in his own Impeachment show in 1998. Clinton’s was more fun-filled, as what he did with his peaches was way more imaginative that what Porteous did with his. Porteous had his car detailed and his porch fixed. Clinton? Well, that’s a whole different scene.
Book Time? Yes. Book time!
A friend who goes by the name Jonny (hellbroth)Thrombosis told me to read a book. He’s from the UK. So I did. When a guy from the UK tells you to read a book, well, you read a book, lest you wake up with a severed horse head in the bed. The Antiterrorist Hand Book. It’s brilliant, funny and timely. It’s one of those books I wish I had read before it was written. Google it. Buy it. Don’t take it from me. Take it from Jonny Thrombosis.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Bangus has Lenny for one night only for Wendy's Confirmation
 |
| All is welcome. Please bring Wendy a gift. |
Tired of high ticket prices for shitty movies?
 |
| let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, and so forth and so on... |
Hey. I don't go out much for a million reasons. But Eli Roth drew me out. Piranha 3D. For me, two kids and wife, it cost over 50 bucks just for tickets. But I was in way too deep. I rationalized the obscene ticket prices with the argument that it simply costs more to produce movies using all that cutting edge bullshit. The movie was fine, but the 3D added nothing to it. All it did for me was give me a pulverizing headache. 3D is a bullshit money grab. Amen and holy shit.
Rees Goes Back in Time to August 17th 2010 - A much simpler time and so forth
Where: London, UK
Lady Gaga is currently suffering from a sexually transmitted disease that leads to her creative impulses leaking from her genitals during intercourse. Doctors in London, UK now fear that the disease has spread to British performer Elton John and he may be losing his creative forces through unprotected sex. Said one doctor “He really hasn’t done anything good since Benny and the Jets”
The tiny African nation of Kenya is making leaps and bounds in women’s equality according to a survey conducted last month. The rate of Women-owned business improved to 15% of businesses while the incidence of savage domestic assault declined to only 80% of households.
Where: Asia
Moviegoers in Tokyo Japan will soon be able to enjoy a 3D pornographic film when shooting is completed in a few days. Viewers will be issued special 3D goggles to view the action. Those opting to view the hardcore version will also be given a gasmask and raincoat.
Where: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Officials at the Rio de Janeiro samba parade say that they have asked police to charge a samba dancer with decency. The charges specifically state that the dancer’s private parts were covered with items larger that a post-it note and that the peacock feathers inserted into her behind were less that 7m long and 5cm thick.
THE BANGUS BOOKISH RERUN BOOK OF THE DAY
WILLIAM GOLDING
LORD OF THE FLIES (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH LORD OF THE RINGS DANCE FLIES)
I ate this huge turkey roll and had seven beer then went right to bed because I had to get up early for work. I had a bad sleep. I kept dreaming of terrible, terrible things. One was being stranded on an island without any cameras following me around or lawyers asking me to sign disclaimers and waivers. Do you see where I’m going with this? There’s a shitty television series on this whole deserted island and many writers have tried their hand at the ‘stranded’ vibe, but no one comes close to William Golding (namely because he died in 1993).
William, this one’s for you big fella! Here’s the deal with Lord of The Flies: A plane carrying young British preps crashes into a tropical island, presumably shot down as World War II wages on in throughout Europe. Kids are scattered everywhere. They come together to form alliances and enemies and everything goes to hell rather quickly. So, who do we have here: there’s Ralph - the smart, levelheaded natural leader and then there’s the clumsy Piggy. Then there’s this other kid, shit, I forget his name, anyway, he gets tired of listening to the level-headed Ralph and forms his own hedonistic militia and lets go with the wild times. Jack, yeah, I think that’s his name. He’s a bit of a nut. He bands his troops together and rips off on some weird rampage meanwhile everyone hears weird shit in the jungle. The young population of the island degenerates into an uncivilized lynch mob and blood is shed. It’s that age old story about what happens when people are stranded on a desert island without their ten favourite records. But, alas, they get rescued and there is some morale floating around. The Simpson’s did a version of this book with monkey butlers and Nelson playing the psycho.
Okay. Here’s how it starts: The boy with the fair hair lowered himself down the last few feet of rock and began to pick his way towards the lagoon.
Here’s how it ends: The officer, surrounded by these noises, was moved and a little embarrassed. He turned away to give them time to pull themselves together; and waited, allowing his eyes to rest on the trim cruiser in the distance.
LORD OF THE FLIES (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH LORD OF THE RINGS DANCE FLIES)
I ate this huge turkey roll and had seven beer then went right to bed because I had to get up early for work. I had a bad sleep. I kept dreaming of terrible, terrible things. One was being stranded on an island without any cameras following me around or lawyers asking me to sign disclaimers and waivers. Do you see where I’m going with this? There’s a shitty television series on this whole deserted island and many writers have tried their hand at the ‘stranded’ vibe, but no one comes close to William Golding (namely because he died in 1993).
William, this one’s for you big fella! Here’s the deal with Lord of The Flies: A plane carrying young British preps crashes into a tropical island, presumably shot down as World War II wages on in throughout Europe. Kids are scattered everywhere. They come together to form alliances and enemies and everything goes to hell rather quickly. So, who do we have here: there’s Ralph - the smart, levelheaded natural leader and then there’s the clumsy Piggy. Then there’s this other kid, shit, I forget his name, anyway, he gets tired of listening to the level-headed Ralph and forms his own hedonistic militia and lets go with the wild times. Jack, yeah, I think that’s his name. He’s a bit of a nut. He bands his troops together and rips off on some weird rampage meanwhile everyone hears weird shit in the jungle. The young population of the island degenerates into an uncivilized lynch mob and blood is shed. It’s that age old story about what happens when people are stranded on a desert island without their ten favourite records. But, alas, they get rescued and there is some morale floating around. The Simpson’s did a version of this book with monkey butlers and Nelson playing the psycho.
Okay. Here’s how it starts: The boy with the fair hair lowered himself down the last few feet of rock and began to pick his way towards the lagoon.
Here’s how it ends: The officer, surrounded by these noises, was moved and a little embarrassed. He turned away to give them time to pull themselves together; and waited, allowing his eyes to rest on the trim cruiser in the distance.
From the Foreign Affairs Desk of Chris Rees
Top 10 countries as determined by Bangus FA. I like these places but haven’t visited them.
Thailand – Some bars serve “Pina Colada’s”
Vietnam – Gary Glitter got arrested here for child molestation – good policework
Central African Republic – used to be an empire (cool)
Korea – has world’s sexiest girls
Uruguay – because it’s so close to sounding like “Paraguay”
Australia – deserts, kangaroos, crocs, it’s got everything
Leichtenstein – punches above it’s weight - see tax haven issue
Andorra – totally obscure country
Conga – it suffered a lot last 10 years so it got my sympathy vote
Iraq – with apologies to Bush haters
Top 10 world problems as determined by Bangus FA.
Israel Palestinian problem – They’ll blow up the world someday
Al Qaeda – bloody terrorists
Dearth of good TV emanating from USA – Friends was the death of TV
Haemorrhoids – believe me it’s a problem
Global warming – Just thought I’d put it in. Al Gore is a wanker
Feminism – we hope for hate mail from Germaine Greer.
Low Birth rates – some babies grow up and work for a living
Socialism – see babies, above. There’s just not enough tax revenue
Food riots – not enough bread getting to some countries
Corruption – Most world governments are corrupt. Even Obama a little bit.
Top 10 music acts in world history
Radiohead – best rock band ever
Rolling stones - all the drugs and sex anyways
Mitsou – sexy vote
4 minute – a Korean all-girl band with Jiyoon (ooh la la)
Beethoven – really dark and moody genius who was also deaf
Bach – “ahh Bach” thought the God Emperor of Dune
Vivaldi - see “Vivaldi Winter” on Youtube
Ramones – Punks on glue and pizza
Tang Dynasty – not a soft drink, it’s a top Chinese rock band per wikipedia
Filmi- most popular music in India as per wikipedia
Top 10 TV shows of all time according to impact on world culture
Monty Python – the funniest TV show ever
Top Gear – UK TV show about cars. Goes around the world and is lots of fun
World Cup Soccer – most watched except for Cricket I think
Sopranos – rated best by The Guardian. Worldwide phenomenom
Gilligan’s Island – castaways meet headhunters
Friends – popular in Asia but I don’t know why. Hate it personally
Simpsons – hugely famous worldwide. Personally I’m sick of it.
Survivor – famous throughout the world, started in Sweden
Jade Phoenix – top Chinese show about a phoenix made of jade
MTV – the Indian version. Not the US version. It’s top in India
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Gone till September, I'll be gone till September. Don't you know that I'll be gone till September
While I am away, please enjoy this beautiful picture of a bear in it's natural habitat. While I am away, please don't crash my hip pad. While I am away, if you do crash into my hip pad, don't touch anything, and whatever you do, no parties and if you do break into my home take off your shoes and don't go into the tiny room under the stairs.
More Bangus Superficial Book Reviews
Don Quixote
Written by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra sometime in the early 17th Century, some real smart literary people claim that Don Quixote was the “first novel”. I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to mean. I thought Valley of the New York Dolls by Johannson was the first novel but again, none of this academic stuff is important to the task at hand, which is the provide a sketchy review of this thing. Right out of the gates the book is timeless and balls-out hysterical. There’s Don Quixote, the main guy, who is old and infatuated with the days-gone-by with the chivalry and knighthood silliness and damsels and all that other stuff from medieval times before it became a theme eatery for the gluttonous. Those day have long passed but not in his twisted old mind. Poor Don-Don. He’s convinced that he is a ‘knight errant’ and he is thusly obliged to seek out adventure and fully live out this delusion with comic results o’plenty. His shenanigans get him beaten and whipped, mangled and maimed. It’s classic bloodletting. He convinces Sancho Panza, his fat dopey neighbour to become his ‘squire’ and between them both they stumble ass-backwards from one trouncing to the next all in the name of his ‘damsel’ in distress— the ugly Dulcinea de Toboso.
Sancho is promised his own country by Don Quixote but instead gets flogged and tormented. Each chapter is pretty well self-contained so if you’re lazy and just wanna check out a certain adventure without committing to the whole book, just skim the chapter headings (An adventure on leaving the inn, The adventure with the corpse, The prophesying ape…)
So, eventually after a bunch of funny crap, the old man has a moment of clarity and snaps out of his dementia just in time to die and so forth and son on. The book is a bit bloated like Vince Neil or Liza Minelli, so I wouldn’t blame you for just ambling out and renting the movie with John Lithgow and Isabella Rossilini.
Okay, there’s this delicious line somewhere towards the end where Sancho Panza, the squire, is bummed at always getting the shit-end of the stick so in typical maudlin fashion he begins to bitch and moan, finishing up with this gem: “Fortune is a drunken, freakish dame…”
It’s a great one-off line and a humbling sentiment. I’m thinking of having tattooed on my back So, here’s how this thing begins:
In a certain village down in La Mancha, which I do not wish to name, there lived not long ago a gentleman one of those who have always a lance in the rack, an ancient shield, a lean horse, and a coursing grey hound.
Here’s how it ends: For my sole object has been to arouse men’s contempt for all fabulous and absurd stories of knight errantry, whose credit this tale of my genuine Don Quixote has already shaken, and which will, without a doubt, soon tumble to the ground. Farewell.
There’s a handful of editions with different translations. Stay away from the Yiddish edition - your tongue will swell.
Written by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra sometime in the early 17th Century, some real smart literary people claim that Don Quixote was the “first novel”. I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to mean. I thought Valley of the New York Dolls by Johannson was the first novel but again, none of this academic stuff is important to the task at hand, which is the provide a sketchy review of this thing. Right out of the gates the book is timeless and balls-out hysterical. There’s Don Quixote, the main guy, who is old and infatuated with the days-gone-by with the chivalry and knighthood silliness and damsels and all that other stuff from medieval times before it became a theme eatery for the gluttonous. Those day have long passed but not in his twisted old mind. Poor Don-Don. He’s convinced that he is a ‘knight errant’ and he is thusly obliged to seek out adventure and fully live out this delusion with comic results o’plenty. His shenanigans get him beaten and whipped, mangled and maimed. It’s classic bloodletting. He convinces Sancho Panza, his fat dopey neighbour to become his ‘squire’ and between them both they stumble ass-backwards from one trouncing to the next all in the name of his ‘damsel’ in distress— the ugly Dulcinea de Toboso.
Sancho is promised his own country by Don Quixote but instead gets flogged and tormented. Each chapter is pretty well self-contained so if you’re lazy and just wanna check out a certain adventure without committing to the whole book, just skim the chapter headings (An adventure on leaving the inn, The adventure with the corpse, The prophesying ape…)
So, eventually after a bunch of funny crap, the old man has a moment of clarity and snaps out of his dementia just in time to die and so forth and son on. The book is a bit bloated like Vince Neil or Liza Minelli, so I wouldn’t blame you for just ambling out and renting the movie with John Lithgow and Isabella Rossilini.
Okay, there’s this delicious line somewhere towards the end where Sancho Panza, the squire, is bummed at always getting the shit-end of the stick so in typical maudlin fashion he begins to bitch and moan, finishing up with this gem: “Fortune is a drunken, freakish dame…”
In a certain village down in La Mancha, which I do not wish to name, there lived not long ago a gentleman one of those who have always a lance in the rack, an ancient shield, a lean horse, and a coursing grey hound.
Here’s how it ends: For my sole object has been to arouse men’s contempt for all fabulous and absurd stories of knight errantry, whose credit this tale of my genuine Don Quixote has already shaken, and which will, without a doubt, soon tumble to the ground. Farewell.
There’s a handful of editions with different translations. Stay away from the Yiddish edition - your tongue will swell.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
From the Foreign Affairs Desk of Bangus Correspondent Chris Rees
Where: U.S.A.
What: Almighty God now available in stores
Kids can now get the ultimate in action figures! Almighty God now comes with AK 47 and Holy Shroud to defeat his mortal enemies - namely Satan and Lapsed Christians. The omnipotent being sells for $9.99 and is available in white and blue. Bangus asked customers at Walmart what they think of him and comments ranged from “I thought he’d be taller” to “Get him to do something about this heat”
Where: U.S.A. Cape Cod
Police arrested a man who they believe has a devious sexual fetish for amputees. The man had befriended actress Renee Zellweger and evidence suggests he had been planning to take her snorkeling in the shark-infested waters off Cape Cod, Mass.
Where: Africa
Robert Mugabe has become the latest spokesman for Viagra from Pfizer. The aging dictator realized the little blue pill’s alternative potential after his wife died last year. Since then he says, he has saved hundreds by taking only a 25% dose. “It stops me peeing in my slippers” he said.
Where:Ireland
Paul Hewson, better known as Bono Vox has been immortalized in a giant statue in downtown Dublin. The front man from the Irish rock group U2 is depicted in a 50’ statue saving orphans and poor people in Africa and around the world. “The best thing about it, is that it only cost me a couple thousand” said the singer.
Where: Hollywood
Lilo has been released from Jail and is now participating in rehab said LA county sheriff Craig Whitstone. The “Mean Girls” actress definitely has to get a grip on her drinking problems. She is scheduled to christen a yacht at LA Harbour and organizers are worried that she won’t let go of the bottle.
A Bangus true story of love and rubber boots as told by a sheep.
“… so anway, he comes over to our table real smooth like and he smells like, God, I don’t know how to describe the smell. He says to us, and I’m not making this up, he says, ladies, the Golden Goose is on the loose and never out of season. That was his line, I guess. It was so weird. I guess he actually thought he was something special. He was still wearing his rubber boots. We all laughed in his face. He told us all to go to hell then walked out of the bar and then …
Grandma's still got it at Mattawa's first geriatric Hooters Grand Opening
BANGUS ONLINE - MATTAWA, ON — In a town that is known for industry lay offs and skidooing on the side walks, Mattawa, Ontario, with a population of 2000 is now a buzz of seniors and the curious busing in from all over Canada and parts of the northern US states. Why? Is it for the beautiful scenery? No. It seems that locals and tourists alike are arriving in record numbers to dine at the worlds first Hooters for Seniors, the brainchild of local entrepreneur Karl Montagne, a retired mill worker.
“I was in a Hooters in Toronto and I got to thinking…” And with his life’s savings and a massive line of credit, Hooters For Seniors was born and people are lining up around the block to sample the ample. Every Wednesday it is all you can eat cream corn from four to six for $3.99
Bangus Books of the Day - two books, two icons
BOOK #1
Crime & Punishment
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Originally published during the winter of his discontent, 1866, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment dissects the complex relationship between man and the crime he commits. Translated from Russian, The Modern Library Edition includes a spectacularly entertaining pop-up feature where you can pretend to be the tortured protagonist, Rodya Raskolnikov as he hacks up an old peasant pawnbroker, Alyona Ivanovna and her step-daughter, Lizaveta. It seems that in St. Petersburg, Russia it was tough to make a real good go of things.
Raskolnikov is a brooding student with radical ideas relating to the nature of crime and asserts that the act of murder can be justified in certain circumstances. He hypothetically asks the question of whether or not it is acceptable to commit murder if that single act of violence betters the human condition. Is it justified to kill if the one doing the killing is particularly brilliant and a competent conversationalist? He writes a thesis on it then bottoms out and gets depressed. His melancholic mother, Pulcheria Alexandrovna is this shrilly dramatic creature who sobs constantly. Dounia Avdotya Romanovna, his sister, is willing to sell herself off to a wealthy ignoramus with a receding hairline and control issues. There’s a guy named Razumihin and some other cat named Porifry Petrovich who is a cop and armchair psychiatrist. I got a decent chunk into to before becoming hopelessly obsessed with the pop-up part of the book so consequently I never actually finished it. As all great Russian novels have happy ending, I'm sure things'll work out fine.(See 'Here is the end')
Here is the beginning: On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
Here is the end: But that is the beginning of a new story—the story of the gradual renewal of man, the story of his gradual regeneration, of his passing from one world into another, of his initiation into a new unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story but our present story is ended.
BOOK #2
C'mon Get Happy
David Cassidy
It doesn’t get any more compelling than this tale of love, lust, fame and hair. This thing reads like fiction with the whole fairy tale feel of the Life of David. Fun book full of funny, family-oriented crap:
• He played David Partidge on Partridge Family.
• Became famous, real fast.
• Made guest apperances on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, and Merv Griffin.
•Popularized embroidered overalls, the shag cut and coral necklaces.
• Lots of groupies in green slacks.
•Established a legitimate singinging career selling over 20 million albums but got royally screwed on merchandise.
•He was at one time bigger than McCartney, Elton John but was way skinnier than Elvis.
It’s the age old story but still a thrill-a-minute rollercoaster like The Thorn Birds or The Winds of War.
Here is how this thing begins: Somewhere between the sublime and rediculous is a book called C’mon Get Happy…Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus. And as I, at the tender age of forty-three, have nearly completed this venture, I thought I mightgive you a little insight into my own take on it. I always believed that any celebrity autobiography carries just slightly more significance, in terms of literary contribution, than does goose poop on theeastern shore of Maryland...
Yes folks, he actually said ‘goose poop’ which means that even though Cassidy did fall ass over heels into the debauchery that is the music and television field, he’s keeping the tale pretty sanitized. Poor Dave doesn’t seem the realize that he no longer has to polay it safe for fear of offending hysterical twelve-year-old girls. They’ve all grown now and are probably on antidepressants.
Okay, so here’s how it ends: “So…” somebody asked me the other day with a hint of disapproval in his voice, “when are you going to give up this ‘David Cassidy teenager’ thing?” Huh? “I don’t know,” I told him, surprised by the question. And I grinned. “I’m having too much fun to give it up now.”
Crime & Punishment
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Originally published during the winter of his discontent, 1866, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment dissects the complex relationship between man and the crime he commits. Translated from Russian, The Modern Library Edition includes a spectacularly entertaining pop-up feature where you can pretend to be the tortured protagonist, Rodya Raskolnikov as he hacks up an old peasant pawnbroker, Alyona Ivanovna and her step-daughter, Lizaveta. It seems that in St. Petersburg, Russia it was tough to make a real good go of things.
Raskolnikov is a brooding student with radical ideas relating to the nature of crime and asserts that the act of murder can be justified in certain circumstances. He hypothetically asks the question of whether or not it is acceptable to commit murder if that single act of violence betters the human condition. Is it justified to kill if the one doing the killing is particularly brilliant and a competent conversationalist? He writes a thesis on it then bottoms out and gets depressed. His melancholic mother, Pulcheria Alexandrovna is this shrilly dramatic creature who sobs constantly. Dounia Avdotya Romanovna, his sister, is willing to sell herself off to a wealthy ignoramus with a receding hairline and control issues. There’s a guy named Razumihin and some other cat named Porifry Petrovich who is a cop and armchair psychiatrist. I got a decent chunk into to before becoming hopelessly obsessed with the pop-up part of the book so consequently I never actually finished it. As all great Russian novels have happy ending, I'm sure things'll work out fine.(See 'Here is the end')
Here is the beginning: On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.
Here is the end: But that is the beginning of a new story—the story of the gradual renewal of man, the story of his gradual regeneration, of his passing from one world into another, of his initiation into a new unknown life. That might be the subject of a new story but our present story is ended.
BOOK #2
C'mon Get Happy
David Cassidy
• He played David Partidge on Partridge Family.
• Became famous, real fast.
• Made guest apperances on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, and Merv Griffin.
•Popularized embroidered overalls, the shag cut and coral necklaces.
• Lots of groupies in green slacks.
•Established a legitimate singinging career selling over 20 million albums but got royally screwed on merchandise.
•He was at one time bigger than McCartney, Elton John but was way skinnier than Elvis.
It’s the age old story but still a thrill-a-minute rollercoaster like The Thorn Birds or The Winds of War.
Here is how this thing begins: Somewhere between the sublime and rediculous is a book called C’mon Get Happy…Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus. And as I, at the tender age of forty-three, have nearly completed this venture, I thought I mightgive you a little insight into my own take on it. I always believed that any celebrity autobiography carries just slightly more significance, in terms of literary contribution, than does goose poop on theeastern shore of Maryland...
Yes folks, he actually said ‘goose poop’ which means that even though Cassidy did fall ass over heels into the debauchery that is the music and television field, he’s keeping the tale pretty sanitized. Poor Dave doesn’t seem the realize that he no longer has to polay it safe for fear of offending hysterical twelve-year-old girls. They’ve all grown now and are probably on antidepressants.
Okay, so here’s how it ends: “So…” somebody asked me the other day with a hint of disapproval in his voice, “when are you going to give up this ‘David Cassidy teenager’ thing?” Huh? “I don’t know,” I told him, surprised by the question. And I grinned. “I’m having too much fun to give it up now.”
Saturday, July 31, 2010
ASK IGOR (DON'T BRING UP THE HUMP)
HE'S BAAAACCCKKKKKK! YAY! Bangus Foreign Affairs Desk - Major headlines from around the world of Bangus.
 |
| HE'S BACK. IT WAS A FALSE ALARM. |
Where: Asia
What: N. Koreans Prepare Killer Joke
Rising tensions on the Korean Peninsula have led the North Korean government in Pyongyang to develop a killer joke. With secret assistance from comedian and communist sympathizer John Cleese, they have developed a joke so powerful it can kill an American at 500 metres distance. Recent intelligence reports say that U.S. spies “nearly shit themselves” before even hearing the punchline.
Where: Hollywood
Mel Gibson develops weight loss routine
Embattled actor-director Mel Gibson has tried to soften his image by developing a new weight loss routine. Leaked reports say the routine is as follows. “Get up around 6 am, punch the bag around for a while. Then she gets up and peels a grapefruit”
Where: Atlantic Ocean
What: Lonely Hearts in Newfoundland
A lonely young man in Newfoundland has approached the Bangus Foreign Affairs Desk for help in finding a girlfriend. Bangus was only too happy to oblige: “Wanted – scaly greasy, slimy girl with big bulging eyes, nice fins, strong gils and a good swimmer.”
Where:Venezuela
What: Chavez severs ties with God
Venezuela has formally severed ties with God. Hugo Chavez president of Venezuela cited God’s refusal to sanctify the socialist nation’s revolution through miracles and wonders. Particularly in dispute was the Supreme Being’s refusal to miraculously shrink the size of Chavez’ prodigious belly. Although God has no embassy in Caracas it has been suggested that Fidel Castro act on Venezuela’s behalf when he visits Heaven permanently in the upcoming months.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
BANGUS JUNK MAIL
Dear Mr Pecore:
I have only recently come to discover BANGUS ONLINE, and would just like to say that the columns are certainly shabbily written at best, and often quite offensive. You are squandering a great opportunity to reach out to the world and make a positive statement as I no longer think that the internet is a crazy fad like Prince. Now, I realize that humour is quite subjective so I did ask others to read your column as well and we have all essentially come to the same conclusion. It’s infantile, cynical and jaded. And what has happened to proper punctuation? Now, I know you will make fun of this input, but since you espouse freedom of speech, I am simply exercising mine. I will continue to read, not out of interest, but more out of a sense of dismay and profound disappointment. Now, there is some homemade turkey soup for you at home that you can pick up. You need to eat healthier. Your father bought a new second hand snow blower from the neighbour that won’t start. He’s quite upset, understandably so. You really should call more often.
Love Mom
Hey Kevin
Something’s come up. Can I crash at your place for the next few years? Just till things cool down. I can help your son with his slice and I can vacuum and shovel the driveway and whatever y’all need. I know you have a basement because I can see it from the street. I’m the one parked in your driveway. I have six chicks with me, but they’re light eaters and can sleep in the van. I’m down to about nine hundred bucks but it’s yours if you can help me out.
Your friend,
Tiger
Dear Kevin - I recently watched Stanley Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove and remembered a conversation we had a few years ago about this movie. I hadn’t seen it at the time but told you that if Peter Sellers was in it, I probably wouldn’t like it. Then you hit me in the neck three times and suckered me once in the kidney area. And then you stormed out of the wedding. For the life of me I can’t remember who was getting married. We were in Owen Sound I think. Anyway, I’m not sure if your remember this or not, but I Googled you and found you writing for Bay Today. Your columns are inane but in a mind-numbing way, so I have been reading them and printing them out for the people on the base. I felt obligated to contact you to take back what I said about Dr Stangelove - Peter Sellers is a genius in it.
Lt. Col. James ‘Coconut’ Jones
Hey jerk face - you were the only guy in this country to stick up for me when that CBC radio thing went viral. That whole interview was a setup. Damn that Jian Ghomeshi. I don’t trust anyone that wears fancy scarves. Anyway, much obliged. My agent, Mississippi Gary, found your contact info on the web. I read some of your stuff. Not my kind of thing. Mark Twain was a true Southern gentleman. You just write real bad. I’m sending you a copy of Bad Santa as a token of my appreciation.
Billy Bob Thorton
Dear Mizter Pekore - my husband is in hiding right now as he has been accused of being a terrorist. He said some things to the wrong people after drinking a jug of chokecherry wine before a funeral. He asked me to touch base with you to see if you know of any good civil liberty lawyers. My husband says that he thinks you’re trustworthy, but a little off kilter. Please reply to this email as soon as possible as my husband is in poor spirits.
Rosa Yanz
I have only recently come to discover BANGUS ONLINE, and would just like to say that the columns are certainly shabbily written at best, and often quite offensive. You are squandering a great opportunity to reach out to the world and make a positive statement as I no longer think that the internet is a crazy fad like Prince. Now, I realize that humour is quite subjective so I did ask others to read your column as well and we have all essentially come to the same conclusion. It’s infantile, cynical and jaded. And what has happened to proper punctuation? Now, I know you will make fun of this input, but since you espouse freedom of speech, I am simply exercising mine. I will continue to read, not out of interest, but more out of a sense of dismay and profound disappointment. Now, there is some homemade turkey soup for you at home that you can pick up. You need to eat healthier. Your father bought a new second hand snow blower from the neighbour that won’t start. He’s quite upset, understandably so. You really should call more often.
Love Mom
Hey Kevin
Something’s come up. Can I crash at your place for the next few years? Just till things cool down. I can help your son with his slice and I can vacuum and shovel the driveway and whatever y’all need. I know you have a basement because I can see it from the street. I’m the one parked in your driveway. I have six chicks with me, but they’re light eaters and can sleep in the van. I’m down to about nine hundred bucks but it’s yours if you can help me out.
Your friend,
Tiger
Dear Kevin - I recently watched Stanley Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove and remembered a conversation we had a few years ago about this movie. I hadn’t seen it at the time but told you that if Peter Sellers was in it, I probably wouldn’t like it. Then you hit me in the neck three times and suckered me once in the kidney area. And then you stormed out of the wedding. For the life of me I can’t remember who was getting married. We were in Owen Sound I think. Anyway, I’m not sure if your remember this or not, but I Googled you and found you writing for Bay Today. Your columns are inane but in a mind-numbing way, so I have been reading them and printing them out for the people on the base. I felt obligated to contact you to take back what I said about Dr Stangelove - Peter Sellers is a genius in it.
Lt. Col. James ‘Coconut’ Jones
Hey jerk face - you were the only guy in this country to stick up for me when that CBC radio thing went viral. That whole interview was a setup. Damn that Jian Ghomeshi. I don’t trust anyone that wears fancy scarves. Anyway, much obliged. My agent, Mississippi Gary, found your contact info on the web. I read some of your stuff. Not my kind of thing. Mark Twain was a true Southern gentleman. You just write real bad. I’m sending you a copy of Bad Santa as a token of my appreciation.
Billy Bob Thorton
Dear Mizter Pekore - my husband is in hiding right now as he has been accused of being a terrorist. He said some things to the wrong people after drinking a jug of chokecherry wine before a funeral. He asked me to touch base with you to see if you know of any good civil liberty lawyers. My husband says that he thinks you’re trustworthy, but a little off kilter. Please reply to this email as soon as possible as my husband is in poor spirits.
Rosa Yanz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
