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| HE'S BACK. IT WAS A FALSE ALARM. |
Where: Asia
What: N. Koreans Prepare Killer Joke
Rising tensions on the Korean Peninsula have led the North Korean government in Pyongyang to develop a killer joke. With secret assistance from comedian and communist sympathizer John Cleese, they have developed a joke so powerful it can kill an American at 500 metres distance. Recent intelligence reports say that U.S. spies “nearly shit themselves” before even hearing the punchline.
Where: Hollywood
Mel Gibson develops weight loss routine
Embattled actor-director Mel Gibson has tried to soften his image by developing a new weight loss routine. Leaked reports say the routine is as follows. “Get up around 6 am, punch the bag around for a while. Then she gets up and peels a grapefruit”
Where: Atlantic Ocean
What: Lonely Hearts in Newfoundland
A lonely young man in Newfoundland has approached the Bangus Foreign Affairs Desk for help in finding a girlfriend. Bangus was only too happy to oblige: “Wanted – scaly greasy, slimy girl with big bulging eyes, nice fins, strong gils and a good swimmer.”
Where:Venezuela
What: Chavez severs ties with God
Venezuela has formally severed ties with God. Hugo Chavez president of Venezuela cited God’s refusal to sanctify the socialist nation’s revolution through miracles and wonders. Particularly in dispute was the Supreme Being’s refusal to miraculously shrink the size of Chavez’ prodigious belly. Although God has no embassy in Caracas it has been suggested that Fidel Castro act on Venezuela’s behalf when he visits Heaven permanently in the upcoming months.
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