I have only recently come to discover BANGUS ONLINE, and would just like to say that the columns are certainly shabbily written at best, and often quite offensive. You are squandering a great opportunity to reach out to the world and make a positive statement as I no longer think that the internet is a crazy fad like Prince. Now, I realize that humour is quite subjective so I did ask others to read your column as well and we have all essentially come to the same conclusion. It’s infantile, cynical and jaded. And what has happened to proper punctuation? Now, I know you will make fun of this input, but since you espouse freedom of speech, I am simply exercising mine. I will continue to read, not out of interest, but more out of a sense of dismay and profound disappointment. Now, there is some homemade turkey soup for you at home that you can pick up. You need to eat healthier. Your father bought a new second hand snow blower from the neighbour that won’t start. He’s quite upset, understandably so. You really should call more often.
Love Mom
Hey Kevin
Something’s come up. Can I crash at your place for the next few years? Just till things cool down. I can help your son with his slice and I can vacuum and shovel the driveway and whatever y’all need. I know you have a basement because I can see it from the street. I’m the one parked in your driveway. I have six chicks with me, but they’re light eaters and can sleep in the van. I’m down to about nine hundred bucks but it’s yours if you can help me out.
Your friend,
Tiger
Dear Kevin - I recently watched Stanley Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove and remembered a conversation we had a few years ago about this movie. I hadn’t seen it at the time but told you that if Peter Sellers was in it, I probably wouldn’t like it. Then you hit me in the neck three times and suckered me once in the kidney area. And then you stormed out of the wedding. For the life of me I can’t remember who was getting married. We were in Owen Sound I think. Anyway, I’m not sure if your remember this or not, but I Googled you and found you writing for Bay Today. Your columns are inane but in a mind-numbing way, so I have been reading them and printing them out for the people on the base. I felt obligated to contact you to take back what I said about Dr Stangelove - Peter Sellers is a genius in it.
Lt. Col. James ‘Coconut’ Jones
Hey jerk face - you were the only guy in this country to stick up for me when that CBC radio thing went viral. That whole interview was a setup. Damn that Jian Ghomeshi. I don’t trust anyone that wears fancy scarves. Anyway, much obliged. My agent, Mississippi Gary, found your contact info on the web. I read some of your stuff. Not my kind of thing. Mark Twain was a true Southern gentleman. You just write real bad. I’m sending you a copy of Bad Santa as a token of my appreciation.
Billy Bob Thorton
Dear Mizter Pekore - my husband is in hiding right now as he has been accused of being a terrorist. He said some things to the wrong people after drinking a jug of chokecherry wine before a funeral. He asked me to touch base with you to see if you know of any good civil liberty lawyers. My husband says that he thinks you’re trustworthy, but a little off kilter. Please reply to this email as soon as possible as my husband is in poor spirits.
Rosa Yanz
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