Where: Europe
What: EMPEROR OF SWEDEN DIES IN CAR CRASH
Swedes are mourning the loss of emperor Bjorn in a car crash on the Swedish autobahn. The car careened off a cliff into the Sea of Sweden for unknown reasons. Police suspect a Swedish Erotica tape may have distracted the driver but are unsure as to the details.
Where: Asia
What: NEW CHINESE CALENDAR
Chinese Buddhists have produced a new lunar calendar in keeping with the changing times. The old calendar consisted of twelve animals – tiger, rabbit, dragon, ox, etc. The new calendar will feature animals from western society to reflect the new multicultural china. The new animals are: roadrunner, aardvark, hippopotamus, leprechaun, moose, bigfoot, german shepherds, unicorn, sloth, electric eel, the tooth fairy and Darth Vader
What: SURPRISING FACT ABOUT THE VUVUZELA
Soccer fans world wide are very familiar with the vuvuzela. Thousands of the large plastic horns blown together create a deafening buzz at world cup games in South Africa. However, Bangus readers may be surprised to learn the Vuvuzela is not blown through the mouth like a conventional horn but rather inserted into the backside.
Where: South America:
What: TRAGIC HISTORY OF PARAGUAN PRESIDENT’S WIVES
The president of Paraguay has had terrible luck in wives. Both his wives died tragically and he is now single. The first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms. The second wife died from a fractured skull. “She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms” was the bereaved president’s reply when asked how this came about.
Where: North America:
What: MEL GIBSON MISSING, FEARED DEAD
Police are interested in any information about the whereabouts of actor Mel Gibson. The Braveheart star was last seen celebrating the victory of his horse, “Yellow” at the Kentucky Derby. The thoroughbred came in 50 to 1 and Gibson won a fortune after putting $1,000,000 on the nose. The actor painted his entire house yellow, including carpets, curtains, furniture and wallpaper. Police fear the worse and have been looking everywhere as the actor may have consumed an entire crate of vodka and contracted yellow jaundice.
What: 5.0 EARTHQUAKE HIS ONTARIO, QUEBEC
A 5.0 earthquake has hit parts of Ontario and Quebec. The earthquake was not dangerous and there were no reports of injury. Thousands of journalists discussed the earthquake for several hours on live news stations throughout the region. Local people interviewed by reporters said the earthquake was not scary and that life had already gotten back to normal by the time the reporters had arrived. Below is a picture of an ordinary Ontario man whose life was not touched in any meaningful way by the quake.
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