I’ve never been the victim of crime so I am not sure what to do or exactly just how to feel. I’m just lost. Last week I bought a hand crafted camel leather tool belt carved by an artist whose hand is demure. I don’t have any tools, but I figured what the hell, the guy (a Bedouin) was selling it for some type of charity so I bought one and used the belt for smokes, my Zippo, six remote controls, pens and some loose change. Lady Gaga came over and fawned over my belt. She asked for it. I said no. She asked again, this time in a subtly threatening, menacing tone. I said no again. She said “some day that belt would be mine” to which I replied: “No way, this is my camel tool belt. You got money; get your own tool belt Lady Gaga”.
This morning I went to put on my camel tool belt and it wasn’t at the foot of the bed where I placed it lovingly only a few hours earlier. Lady Gaga has stolen it, just as she said she would.
My Victim Impact Statement to Lady Gaga:
Thanks for stealing my camel tool belt. I hope it droops on you. You could have had any tool belt in the world, but nooooooo, you had to have mine. I hold no grudges however. I hope this belt fills that void in your life. We are no longer friends. I am sorry I ever taught you piano and lent you all my Queen CDs.
Kevin J Pecore, ESQ
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